Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Violet]

Hi, I've just found this forum. My partner has experienced episodic melancholic depression for most of his life. We have been together for a few years now and he is currently going through a major episode. I am struggling to cope with supporting him, and feel like I am constantly shepherding my children... We have a baby together so walking away is not an option- I love him dearly, and want to offer the care and support he needs but I also need to protect all of my children... He isn't coping with them being 'children'... (Ie loud, sibling fights, singing out of key, not wanting to do chores etc)... I am exhausted trying to be what everyone needs, and to be honest also from keeping up the 'everything is fine' front for outsiders looking in. (Yes, I know.... )
He isn't on medication as he says that the only times he has ever felt suicidal is whilst medicated. He has quite atypical physiological responses to run of the mill medications so he doesn't wish to play around with meds. He is very intelligent, (iq of 160+) so scoffs at many a psychologist he has seen as he often finds he has read and has a better understanding of the literature that they have read and may be basing his treatment on....
Lately he is 'losing words'... Or can't finish sentences because he can't find the words he needs, he seems to have a hair trigger to losing his temper and will yell - very loudly to the point of scaring me and the kids... He locks himself away in the bedroom, is not eating (already incredibly underweight), and mindlessly plays a game on his iPad all day, severe social anxiety, feeling of worthlessness.... So I'm trying to give him space and the time he says he needs, support the children through their emotions around him not wanting to do anything with them and constantly yelling at them, run a family, run my business from home, deal with a narcissistic ex husband (and not let him get wind of anything that's going on here), help my 4 children enjoy their school holidays all on little sleep (breastfeeding baby all night long) all while maintaining my sanity and trying to be my usual upbeat positive self!

[JoseJones]

@Violet,

Welcome to the forum and I hope that we are able to provide you a supportive environment where you can share your stories, and benefit from reading the stories of others as well. I want to thank you for sharing that post with us and letting us understand a little bit about your life.  Firstly, I just want to acknowledge what an incredibly courageous, resillient and resourceful woman you must be to deal with that day to day, being buffeted in so many directions according to the needs of the people you look after and staying strong through it.  It's remarkable what you've been through, with the extreme challenges thrown up by your partner's melancholic depression, along with the pressures of raising children and keeping a household together.  Hats off to you!  

It sounds like you're really giving your all to be what you need to be for the other people in your life.  Are you able to make some space to put yourself first now and then?    I'm sure it must be hard to find the time! I'm so sorry to hear about what your partner is going through.  It sounds like the depression has hit particularly hard at the moment.  Has he been through this sort of thing before?  Are there some clues from the past that might give you a bit of a guide as to how to deal with it?  On top of everything you have to do, it must really fray your nerves somewhat to live with someone who's on a hair trigger like that, with the fear that the next temper explosion might be a moment away!  

What sort of supports do you have around you?  Are there people you can vocalise this stuff with?

[JoseJones]

@Violet, you might be interested to read some other threads created by people in the same situation as you.

There is a thread here started by @zipper which you can find here for wives looking after husbands.

There is another discussion initiated by @clarity about her husband - with some great input by @tryintokeepsane.

Both those recommendations were originally posted by the moderator NikNik who was replying to this thread started by @Shaz51, whom may be able to offer some input here?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Violet

Just checking to see how you're doing? 

I hope that the holiday season is going ok, and that you are managing to find some time for yourself. 

CherryBomb

[ivana]

Hi Violet,

How old is your husband (if you dont mind the question)?

Have he ever had even basic tests done such as thyroid function tests and an brain MRI (as other things apart from Depression can cause these symptoms too)?

Does he have any other health issues that you are aware of?

[Violet]

Hello and Thankyou all for your lovely support and kind words... It's all to easy to feel alone on this journey! To answer some of the questions, my partner is 40. He saw a gp during the week and received a referral for a psychiatrist with a 6 visit mental health plan... He also has blood test requests so just has to get himself to a pathologist.... Probably tomorrow morning.
He was hospitalised approx 20 years ago in a psych ward... Has tried medication but has abnormal reactions to them so doesn't take anything. He has Aspergers and (possibly) marfans... He weighs 65 kg and is 6foot 4, so quite underweight for his height...
We spoke with our maternal and child health nurse yesterday about his depression and she was very concerned with ensuring that I am supported through this too.
My mum lives very close to me and is usually very handy to have on board (looking after my children when needed etc), however her mother is very old and unwell at the moment so she is needed there more than here right now.
I did have a cuppa and a cry with a friend earlier this week though and that was a relief to have a shoulder to cry on and receive a hug...
I feel that I need to go to a gp and get my own mental health plan to seek a psychologist to support me through this, but just finding the time to do this at the moment is difficult and I don't want to leave all the kids with my partner....normally he is wonderful with them but his stress levels are so high that I don't trust his trigger reactions at the moment. 😞
I took some advice from here and bought him a pair of noise cancelling headphones - which he loves! We did make a deal that I get to 'have a turn' occasionally too lol

So that's where I am at right now... Some moments are fine and then he gets the shakes and needs to retreat... I still don't know what the answer is in regard to how we get through this as a family... In his single days he used to take off and go bush or just hole down and 'hibernate'... He has been getting out and helping a local farmer and doing some firefighting so that's given him a physical outlet... He is so exhausted after only a few hours... So I pick up the slack, 'default mummy mode' kicks know and I just keep on keeping on....

[sammysparrow]

Hi Violet.

Your partner sounds just like my husband. We have been together for 25 years, married for 17. he has had periods of very low moods over th apst 10 years where he would completely shut me out, and be nasty to me, but be kind to everyone else. When we fight he says the most terrible things, way beyond my comprehension. They are cruel and I cannot fathom how anyone could think of such things. For the past 3 months he has been in a very low mood, almost depressive state I would say. He had shut himself away in one of our lounge rooms playing video games not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, being grumpy. I kept saying that he needed help, that he needed to speak to someone, but he would just get angry at me. His temper goes from 0-100 in ten seconds flat! 3 weeks ago he and I had an argument and he threatened to go to a solicitor and absolve our assets (out of the blue) and then walked out for the night without telling me where he went. I snapped. 

I have a daughter at home who was horrendously bullied 2 years ago. It ended up in court. My daughter suffers depression  and anxiety as a result. 

My husband walking out and then coming home had a significant affect on her, and he was very angry when he returned home, I was furious. It was my breaking point, and I asked him to leave. 

My problem is now, I am dealing with a husband who is now recognising that he has mental health issues after moths of being in denial. I am feeling guilty that I have pushed him away out of the house. He has hurt me not only recently but for many years with his harsh words. I am so hurt. I also have a 16 year old son starting VCE. Every time my husband comes to the house it ends in fighting. My children are both suffering. I feel like no one is a winner in this situation as we are all hurting. I don't know how I can move past the hurt. It is awful to say, but I don't feel the love I used to for my husband at the moment due to the hurt, and that makes it hurt even more. 

I supported my daughter through some very dark times with her depression and anxiety and now he is angry that I am not doing the same for him.

It is so hard to put on a smiling face when everything is crumbing around you.

I did not know forums like this existed. It just popped up on my FB feed...I am so glad it did, because I need all the help I can get. 

[ivana]

Hi @Violet,

Hope you are doing ok.

How did the blood tests go?

You mentioned your husband gets fatigued easily,does he get any other physical symptoms?

[Violet]

All blood tests came back fine... As was expected. He has seen a psych, and began a new medication - a meletonin based antidepressant... (Not on the pbs so quite a cost)... He has also been in contact with the centre running trial transcranial magnetic stimulation clinics, although I am not sure if that is a feasible option yet as its in Melbourne and its s 2.5 hour drive (the clinics are every day for about a month)...
Has anyone here had any experience with either of these?

[Shaz51]

Hello @Violet, @ivana, @sammysparrow, @CherryBomb, @JoseJones

seeing how everyone is today

it has been a while my friends

hope everything is ok