I have been very stressed with the situations in my life and I feel I have no place in this world.
All I’m trying to do is get help so I can get better and contribute to society again, not as a teacher and director and volunteer leader in the past, but as a disability advocate to help others through my lived experience of disability.
I got onto the NDIS for my psychiatric disability (schizoaffective disorder), but I also have severe anxiety, BPD, C-PTSD and sensory processing disorder (perhaps autism). In 2021 I spent 9 months in hospital/rehab and was diagnosed with FND (Functional Neurological Disorder). I have 20-31 seizures a day, can’t walk or balance and have many other symptoms. The NDIS now recognises FND as my primary disability and I have 24 hour care with support workers which I’m so grateful for. I feel like a burden on the government especially as I’m now on the disability pension too. I feel like a burden on society. Everyone tells me I’m “complex” so I feel too challenging and difficult and like a burden on everyone.
Next week after a 2 year battle I am going through the tribunal to try and get the allied health care and bathroom modifications through the NDIS to hopefully make me better and safer. I’m so stressed and overwhelmed and feel like a guilty burden asking for help. I can’t access community health because I’m on the NDIS but I don’t receive NDIS support either. Every time something happens with the NDIS I go into crisis and the CATT team get involved.
Last week the crisis reached boiling point and I told my case manager I had planned my suicide. She notified my support worker agency and they decided I was too high risk and took me to hospital withdrawing all my care. My case manager didn’t want me in hospital though and I absolutely hate being in hospital. I’d been there the day before by ambulance too because I couldn’t breathe. I was left unsupported overnight in hospital having seizures paralysed. The psychiatrist said my support workers said I had threatened to harm them. This isn’t true. I hear voices from the controller telling me to harm myself and my support workers when I am in my dissociative derealisation and depersonalisation sensory overload panic attacks but I’d never hurt anyone especially after child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence. My case manager wrote a management plan and made my support worker agency take me home. I now have the CATT team for 5 days.
I’m traumatised from my experience. I’m too unwell to be cared for at home and to have my care refused was so distressing. I still don’t know if this agency are going to continue working with me in the future or I need to find a new agency. The unknown future is tearing me apart. Because of my physical disability I can’t go onto a psychiatric ward and because of my psychiatric disability I can’t go onto a medical ward.
Therefore where do I fit in the world? I’m too complex and a burden on everyone so I see no point in trying to live anymore. I don’t have family support and only have 1 friend to live for. What is the point? It’s too hard.
