OK physically but mentally not in a good way

[Bjd2020]

My nightmare started on the morning of Friday 26th June. I woke up with sudden hearing loss through my right ear and slight nausea. I knew instinctively that it was SSNHL so I presented to the ED at Wyong Hospital. After I was told to wait in another area, I spoke to someone behind a window that I needed steroids to save my hearing and that it was urgent. The lady was nice and said that everything would be fine.

The doctor who then saw me pretty much refused to do any basic tests besides looking at my ears with a scope. She would not even listen to me. But the funny thing is she must have known what SSNHL was because she said it was rare and that is true! Of course, there was "nothing wrong" with my ears except I was almost f@#$ing deaf in my right ear. The amount of distress I was experiencing might have been mistaken for physical pain. She refused the steroids I desperately needed, of course I knew she would, she said the steroids had side effects (no shit sherlock), as though that was somehow worse than permanent hearing loss, and instead gave me useless ear drops and told me to see a GP in 5 days - I needed to start steroids immediately within 24 hours, 72 hours at most or I was going to lose my hearing in that ear forever.

I've been through a lot in my life and I decided that I was going to end my own life on the 28th because I was not going to accept this life sentence that this stupid arrogant doctor had handed me. But for some reason I had a last minute change of mind.

I got lucky and my hearing started recovering on the 29th and within a week it was back to normal. This does happen with SSNHL in a certain percentage of cases but sometimes it doesn't. You are supposed to start taking medication immediately. My hearing is so precious to me, music is the only thing that keeps me sane, and I am sure that is the case with almost everyone else too.

After the initial crisis was over I decided against suicide, but I am still pretty much not recovered from that experience. I still have bad nightmares and feel awful. For some reason I am unable to cry which makes it so much worse because I cannot release the pent up anguish.

I just cannot understand why this doctor thought that putting her patient through a suicidal crisis was somehow not as bad as just giving her patient the medication he desperately needed to save his hearing. It is as if the temporary side effects of prednisone are worse than permanent hearing loss - which is complete nonsense. 

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - but the sad part is that this problem could well have ended up being a permanent problem. And I can say without reservation that had my hearing not returned I probably wouldn't be here to write this.

Physically I am OK but mentally I am in a very, very dark place and I don't know what to do. All this despite seeing a psychologist and making appointments with a psychiatrist. My medications for depression and anxiety were working very well up until this traumatic experience. They are still working but no where near as well as they were.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Bjd2020, lovely to see you on the forums. I'm really sorry to hear you've been through this scary experience, and it has impacted your mental health recovery. It sounds like it was very painful to consider losing your hearing and the joy music brings you. In any case we're glad to hear you decided not to suicide and are really actively reaching out for support. 

I hope you find lots of connection and support on the forums. Please ask us moderators or members any questions while you get used to things. The guidelines can also be useful for understanding how it all works 🌻

[Bjd2020]

I am so glad you reached out to me. The scary part was that although my hearing is all good and back to normal, there is always the terrifying thought that it may not have come back and I would not have accepted such a life sentence handed to me especially by an arrogant doctor who refused to show me any compassion and empathy and provide the medication I needed. I know I would have almost certainly taken my own life. If it helps you to understand, my mother suicided when I was only 12. And thinking about these things really breaks my heart every time I think about it and to be honest I think about it more often than I want to - and this is due to intrusive thoughts. I wish they would stop.

I hope that doctor eventually reads this. Maybe one day.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Bjd2020, 

I'm really sorry to hear your mother suicided, and when you were so young. I can only imagine how painful that is. It sounds like the experience at the hospital was really impactful and you are still angry. I'm glad you're reaching out while you heal from this experience. 

Compassion, empathy, and connection are so important for all of us. I don't know what type of music you enjoy, but here is one of our more fun, social, music threads - what song gets your motor running!!!! 

[Appleblossom]

@Bjd2020 

Your post resonate strongly for me. 

I hope you eventually find respite from intrusions around suicidal ideation and behaviour.  I also had suicide in my immediate family, and it is extremely confronting and difficult and unpredictable to manage. I am glad you were able to work through the issues and post about it here. 

Even recognising triggers to intrusions can only happen if all other things in life are going along "swimmingly" ... so that rational thinking and general thoughts and feelings can be reflected on in calm.  We dont always have that luxury.

Have you been in touch with any support after suicide services?  There is not a lot around yet.  There is often a different shape to the grief depending upon the type of family relationship, eg parents, spouses, children, etc.

I also know someone with ear issues and MH issues.  He knows his personal medical stuff too, with a long surgical history on his ear and has a (BSc from ANU) but still has trouble with docs knowing better and different and not listening.

At a music camp once, socialising with a lot of policy types from Canberra, they were talking about the importance that doctors recognise how their own individual subjectivity influences clinical judgment.  I think it will be a while before those insights trickle down.  In the mean time we have to be our own best advocate.  I hope you find support here.  There are great contacts and talks to be had.  Be patient and let things develop over time.  Glad you are still here.  Losing your mother that way is BIG.  Go gently with yourself.

[Tay]

Are you able to disclose to your psychologist ?

[Bjd2020]

Yes, I have disclosed this to my psychologist. I also disclosed this to two prominent ENTs. They both completely understood what I went through.

[NatureLover]

Oh gosh, @Bjd2020 , I am so glad that your hearing recovered! And that you didn't take your own life!

I am really sorry to hear about your negative and damaging experience with the hospital doctor. 😞

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@Bjd2020 wrote:

Physically I am OK but mentally I am in a very, very dark place and I don't know what to do. All this despite seeing a psychologist and making appointments with a psychiatrist. My medications for depression and anxiety were working very well up until this traumatic experience. They are still working but no where near as well as they were.

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I'm sorry to hear that you're still in such a dark place. I think it's good you have an appointment lined up with a psychiatrist, as they can review your medication. 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a member's name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification that you've replied to them, and won't miss your message.

Many best wishes, @Bjd2020 ...