Haven't posted on here for awhille, though I suppose thats a relatively good thing. I haven't had much to post about, or I didn't feel the need to post.
Its been a whirlwind year and it's hard enough just trying to get everything straight in my head now.
Things pile up and I can't tell if thats a natural occuring thing or if it's because I haven't bothered to deal with anything.
It started at the beginning of the school year with the realisation that the people in my head weren't all that normal. Slowly I tried to fix myself, which is how I stumbled across this forum and what led me to the school counsellor. That lasted all of two weeks when the counsellor moved to another school, leaving me completely helpless once again.
I faded back into that dark place again where I neither wanted to be alive nor dead. Classwork seemed irrelevant as did my own wellbeing. I got a job simply because I was made to which lead to more stress on top of sleep deprivation and enough anxious feelings to take out a mule.
I spent my weekends in the dark listening to sad music and making myself feel worse. I stopped eating, as I said before I simply did not give a shit.
It was around this time that I found a band which, as cliche as it sounds, saved my life. The more I listened to their music and interacted with the fans. the more I felt as though I had somewhere I fit or belonged.
For atleast a month I lived in a euphoric world where I could somehow make the craziness in my head work together. The usual voices went away and they were replaced with those of the band, who seemed to be constantly cheering me on, which was a nice world to live in. I reconnected with an old friend and things seemed right for awhile. I got so comfortable with things working out that I came to want more, or less moreover. I was sick of the voices, even if they were positive at the time. I embarked on a mission to get rid of them all together.
This led me to making some rather poor decisions. I got the snapchats of a bunch of random guys from a friend and went overboard with what i was willing to do for them. I didn't, and still don't, know a single one of these guys really but that didn't stop me from oversexualising myself to make them like me. What's worse is that i justified my action because its what all my friends were, and are still, doing at the time and it was what was making the voices go away. I thought it was what was helping me, a sort of crazy self therapy, but i soon came to think that the people in my head had just run away from me.
I spent atleast a month in an inbetween state of not having voices but being more paranoid then ever, and thoroughly believeing that i was simply in a state of waiting for the voices to come back and my thoughts to go back to the normal i had come to feel safe in since i was 5 years old.
That normal felt like it was never going to come and i slowly fell apart with the cloud that had settled over my brain, all the while completely disregarding the consequences of the decisions i was making. I didn't pay enough attention to anything to actually care and what i did pay attention to i got attached to enough that the eventual, inevitable, outcomes made me feel worthless. i fell into a feeling of numbness. at life and at the world. i wanted to be in a come just to escape my own thoughts, and while this feeling was not unfamiliar to me it was not something that happened enough for me to know how to manage it. all the while the voices have come back. not the happy, cheering me on kind moreso the intense, judge my every move kind. in the form of my classmates this time. they leer at my window and watch my every move with absolute scrutiny. to top it all off my friends, the two i have anyway, look at me as if im the worst possible thing they can imagine being near. they judge the path they set me on and i can feel them pushing me away but ive given up on caring. i watch them text each other about how they dont want to be near me anymore and i can hardly be surprised because every friend ive ever had has been the exact same kind of person. the kind that seeks power over others and takes that power by undermining and manipulating my every weakness. but i dont even blame them. sure its a shitty thing to do but im the one allowing them to treat me likes this. im the one that refuses to walk away when i know how this is going to end. and i do know exactly how it ends because ive been here before. with the exact same kind of people.
so thats the point im at. where i don't want to be awake to deal with the hole i've dug myself into, and i don't want to die for fear that the hole isn't quite as deep as i believe. i listen to the band and while the songs still mean something to me, its not quite enough to fix everything. i think through how to stop my own self destruction but somehow don't have the willpower to actually stop it. i hear my thoughts but its as if im not on the same path as what im thinking. like i just cant sync up with my own brainwaves.
at this point it dosent even matter if no one reads all this cause there dosent seem to be anything anyone can do to put me back in my own head and back on the path i was going before all this
