Not sure how to start

[Ananym]

Not sure if this is in the right place. Apologies if not. Not really sure of what i am doing or how to go about it. Not sure really sums up a lot for me right now.

I am currently dealing with my wife who I have been separated from for 4 years. about 7 months ago I broke my back and have been recovering. My wife has been a support for me through this and I want to make it known she has been a great help. We originally split up because she would fly off the handle if I every did something she didnt agree or just voiced a different opinion.  These  were pretty severe verbal attacks with a lot of screaming and accusing me of thinking she was stupid, insulting her, not following our faith ect. It got to the stage that I had pretty bad anxiety and was doing whatever I could to not upset her. Pretty hard to explain it properly and to be honest even as I am typing it I feel pretty stupid and petty.

Anyway the big problem is we have sort of fallen into the pattern of restarting which I dont know how I feel about and this time there are a whole heap of rules. She knows I am a romantic person but has stated she doesnt care for that stuff. We live in 2 different town and she has stated that she would prefer to talk once or twice a week, she feels anymore than that feels like an obligation and it is too much. She understands I may have physical needs and will address those but has made it clear that she doesnt and this is something done for me. She prefers her own space and would rather when I visit that I sleep in another room. She is very worked focussed as she owns her own business and doesnt want anything to affect that.

I have had people around state she is a narcissist and that I am trauma bonding. To be honest I have no idea anymore. I checked out some online resources and am more confused. I am not chasing someone to make a diagnosis or give me a magic bullet with the very limited info I have provided. I am just looking for some direction for someone I can talk to to help me work it out.

Sorry if this sound stupid or a waste of time and feel free to disregard. I have never really done chats or forums before and I dont really feel like a rocket scientist after re reading this post

[wellwellwellnez]

Very much the right place @Ananym . There's a few a other threads that are going through comparable scenarios.

I don't understand you whole scenario but I understand the temptation on the trauma bonding theory. Thing about about being a romantic type is romance is everywhere. Even in "less-romantic" scenarios. But that kind of romance doesn't necessarily make a lot of happiness. Frankly, that kind of romance is a bit "European" (you know, operas and stuff).

Probably a lot comes down to faith stuff as well. Shared growth/goals/values. That sort of thing.

[Krishna]

Hi @Ananym Reading your post I am curious as to what your relationship with your wife was during the 4 year separation? How was your life and mental health during this time. Hoping you’re healing well as an injury of that sort would be quite debilitating. 

[Ananym]

Thanks for your insights Well. Much appreciated. You are right a lot comes down to faith and the shared growth/goals/values. I guess that is one of the issues. I do want to share and I guess I feel that our current situation is structured to prohibit that. Something I should reflect further on I think.

[Ananym]

Hi @Krishna 
Before we split my wife and I had started a medical clinic. When we split she kept the house and business. We had 50 50 custody of our 6 year old son and our 14 year old daughter came with me with one weekend every 3 weeks with her mother. We lived in a small regional town and the first 6 months were pretty horrible. My wifes patients would either verbally abuse me in the street or walk up an talk to my kids and pretend I didnt exist. So I felt I had to leave and moved 2 and a half hours away. After that things went well. I started my own business and made some good friends (i lost all our friends in the split). Outside of our house my wife never loses her temper and is very well regarded so I understand that people assumed I was all of the problem. Things were going really well for me until my back gave out. As far as my relationship with my wife was concerned we met half way between out towns once a week for drop offs and that was about it. There were issues we had during our marriage primarily around controlling the kids. She came from a very religious home and felt strongly about shielding the kids from anything deemed inappropriate. I come from the approach of teaching them how to deal with things inappropriate as I dont believe hiding it from them teaches how to handle things when they do eventually run into it. I only mention this because funnily enough these things that caused such aggressive responses when we were together were dropped immediately. These were about the only conversations we had for 4 years.

[Krishna]

@Ananym your happiness and well-being is of upmost importance for healing and essential when raising kids. They need that stability. Simply listen to your intuition, I’ve found it tends to lead you in the right direction. Hoping all flows smoothly for all concerned 🙏