Not a Good Week

[JosRapp]

Don't know if this should be a new post or if should continue it on an older one, so, sorry if I am clogging up the forum with my useless stuff.

It hasn't been a good week. Have been struggling to go to work all week. Sleep is out the window .. I'll either sleep for about an hour or 90 minutes, then be awake for the rest of the night, or I just can't seem to get to sleep until about 1 or 2 hours before I have to get up. I just can't shut the thoughts down. On Tuesday after work I went to the gym, and did about double what I usually do there, to try and make myself exhausted enough to sleep. But it didn't help. 

On Wednesday evening I went to a new art class. But it didn't go well. It wasn't what I was hoping for, and finding anyone to connect with and at least be friends with there seems extremely unlikely, for a number of reasons. It is like everywhere I go really, the same thing over and over and over again. I got home from that and, yeah I admit I cried because I am just so frustrated with it all, with never finding anywhere, or anyone. 

So didn't sleep on Wednesday night. At all. All the thoughts and feelings just wouldn't settle down. Barely got through work on Thursday. Last night was much the same, except didn't even go to bed. Sometimes I sleep on the sofa, or on the floor, when even looking at the empty bed feels too much, and that was what it was like last night. Except without the sleeping part. So this morning set off for work, as usual, but didn't get very far and had to pull over. Just sat there and cried. To be honest, the cars going past made it worse. Kind of felt like I just wanted someone to pull over and ask what was wrong. Just wanted someone to show some concern. But of course nobody did. I came home, couldn't go to work. Nobody called to ask why I wasn't there. 

It is the endless loneliness. The lack of connection, and touch deprivation is very, very bad right now. It just doesn't feel like it will ever end. Have been trying dating apps again, but they seem to make things worse, because there is never any replies or messages or anything. It just hurts. I don't know how else to describe it. The year is ending and everything is still the same. The same as it has been for decades. 

Sorry for not being positive and all of that. It's probably not that important, I just don't have anywhere to say and show how I feel. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  I just wanted to let you know I hear you. That your stuff is not useless. That what you think and feel matters. That your absence from work all matters.

Sending somebof these. 💜💜💜

[JosRapp]

@Maggie, well, my absence from work didn't matter. I went back to work on Monday, and so far, nobody has said a thing. That's not unusual though. I don't think they notice when I am there, unless something goes wrong. 

Things are the same though. Try and find things to do, groups and places to go where I might find somewhere to fit in, people to meet and, hopefully, connect with. But it feels like I am just sorting through the same things, the same places I have already been to and tried. I have forgotten the last time I actually sat down and talked with someone face to face. I just don't find people like that. Sometimes, when I even just go to the shops, I see how people interact with other, and I wonder why it has always been so different for me. So difficult. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  I relate to most of what you have written. Though I do have a social worker, that’s possibly my only face to face irl conversations. 

You might find many here on the forums who relate for various reasons. You really aren’t alone in what you feel. Yes difficult.

I’m sorry it’s like this for you, me and many, and I don’t have answers, just understanding.

I don’t know if connecting more here would be helpful. There are social threads, eg Good Morning, but like all relationships, they take time to develop. 

Sending kind thoughts your way. 💕💕💕💕

[JosRapp]

Sorry it has taken a while to reply @Maggie, but thanks for your response. 

Yeah, I can't remember the last conversation I really had with someone irl who wasn't a doctor or therapist. Even online conversations are very, very rare and limited. 

Last Friday I called Lifeline while at work. It wasn't helpful. I just don't think they understood loneliness. They kept telling me that I must have friends and family who care, that nobody can be truely alone. Well, I am. That makes it worse, when you are having those thoughts and there is nobody else to reach out and talk to. 

Getting out and trying to do things and go places on the weekend just felt like it made it worse. Have to go everywhere, and do everything, alone. 

So this week hasn't started any better than the last one finished. Right now, the thoughts are still there, but more like they are lurking in the shadows. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  That ‘aloness’ I can relate to. I can be in a crowd and feel alone. Even taking part in conversations, and feel/be alone. It’s hard to be heard, even when you join in. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, we all have our own take on things/life.

I do think MI helps us feel more of a misfit than most, just my opinion there.

I’m sorry this week hasn’t started well for you, but I’m listening, if it’s at all helpful. Take care where you can.

[JosRapp]

Hi @Maggie 

Yeah, it is like that. I think that is why I really find it hard to find somewhere even online where I feel I can talk. Even on the social forum here, I look, but it just feels like I am intruding on someone elses conversation. And in other places I have tried, it is like .. I don't know .. that I just get ignored. That I don't have a voice, and how I feel gets kind of belittled. It is even worse IRL. 

Things still aren't good. The thoughts are still there. It is like a little worm that wriggles and burrows in to my thoughts, and it is difficult to shake it out. Or at least make it be silent for a while. 

Hope your day has been OK.

[JosRapp]

It was another bad week. I think I have gone through yet another week without really saying anything to anyone. Largely ignored at work. Even just the simple small talk when I buy something has felt very, very pointless. Not that I have much tolerance for small talk at the best of times. Sometimes, when I overhear a conversation, it is not like I am trying to listen to what people are talking about, it is more that .. I don't know .. I guess I kind of get lost in what it must be like to actually have someone to talk with. Like I have said before, even online there is nowhere where I really feel I can talk, or fit in, or feel accepted. 

During the week it was my mothers birthday. I don't get on with my family. Never have. Even as a kid they showed little to no interest in me. Still, I got her a card and some flowers, and went over to see her after work. But yeah. Just sat there in silence, being ignored until they asked when I was leaving. No thank you for the flowers, and she didn't even open the card. I don't know what I ever did wrong, apart from being born that is. 

Still try to do things. Apart from Wednesday, went to the gym or for a walk after work. Alone of course. There really isn't anywhere to go where it feels like I might meet people. I'm not a bar or pub person .. at least not alone, and I don't drink. There is no groups on a weekend, and most others seem to be aimed at families. I'm not really in to music, so going to listen to some band has little interest for me. None of the many, many, many dating apps I have tried have been of any use. Not even any conversation on any of them. Not even using Facebook has helped. 

I'm just stuck, and feel like I am constantly running in to the same brick walls. The touch deprivation is bad, of course, which just makes the loneliness even worse, because all anyone might suggest is to go pay for a massage ... which has no emotional quantity to it, no connection.

It is getting to the end of another year, and I feel more and more alone, and invisible, than ever. 

[JosRapp]

It feels like the isolation is getting worse. 

Yes, I do go out and do things. Go to work. Go to gym. Go to bowling league. Go walking. I have done volunteering in the past, and done courses at university, TAFE, and at community college. 

I just don't meet people though. Don't make friends. Don't make connections. Don't have any chance for a relationship. It has always been like this, and seems to be getting worse. Even online it just feels like I don't fit in anywhere. Don't "click" with anyone. Most of the time it just feels like I am intruding on conversations, and, even if I'm not, it just seems like I am invisible. i always thought the internet was supposed to bring people closer together, make it easier to connect, that there was somewhere for everyone .... 

But not for me, I guess. 

Therapy has never helped. Neither has medication. I feel like I just need help to find somewhere to belong. Help in actually meeting people. But there is nobody to ask. I think that is adding to the isolation and increasing frustration, knowing I need some help in these things, yet, having asked in the past, now knowing that there is nobody to ask ... and nobody who will. 

It adds to the thoughts, the feelings, of being really, truely, alone. 

And it is scary.

[Tinsel]

Oh my gosh @JosRapp 

Can so relate to this feeling!

So much so that I have declared Joshua Madison's song 'Invisible Man' one of my songs 😂

Feeling alone is the reason I came to this site. And truly there are people here that understand, and maybe a few more just reading and too afraid to post (like I used to in many years past before I became desperate enough to reach out here)

Stay with us, at least here people can relate..

💓