Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bradam]

good afternoon,

i am hoping there might be some carers out there that can help me to understand my partners depression and PTSD. We have only been together for a few months but meet long ago when we were at school - 20 years ago. When our relationship started he was very upfront and told me that he suffers from depression  and PTSD, he was physically attacked and stabbed in quite a horrific attack about 8 years ago. He has told me that as part of the PTSD he closes himself away from the world. At the moment for the last week he will not let me near him, we don't live together but won't answer the door if I go there, won't answer the phone. I have received text messages from him saying he isn't well. When I last seen him he was in a strange mood and very cold and distant.  I have asked him by text message if we are okay and he says that we are. So I don't know if this a breakup and should deal with it that way or if this behaviour is typical of depression and PTSD when someone isn't feeling okay. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks in advance

[NikNik]

Hi @Bradam

Welcome to the Forums 🙂

Coincidently, @Former-Member started a discussion here about dealing with people with PTSD. I shared some information about 'trauma informed care' which you can check out in my response in their thread.

There's no 'typical' way for someone to deal with their depression and PTSD.

It's great that your partner has been upfront with you and he seems to know what impact his PTSD has on him - that shows great insight. I'm hoping that it means that he is currently getting help for it.

Something we discuss a lot on the Forums is about communication. It sounds like your partner is very open, which is great, so hopefully having a conversation about his depression and PTSD will be productive. We often talk about starting a conversation with our loved ones about 'how can I be helpful when you're feeling this way?'

It's best to have this conversation when they aren't in the middle of it all.

The aim is to come to an agreement on what will happen if they become unwell - and you can refer to this when/if the time comes. This isn't a one sided agreement either - as carers, we want our loved ones to be safe.

Some carers have disclosed their agreements, all of which look different. It might be that you and your partner agree that you will give him 2 days of space (if he finds that helpful) but after that, he is to give you an update on how he's going and then if he's still not improve you have an agreed plan of action - which might be going to hospital, seeing his GP etc - whatever he's recognised as helpful in the past.

We have found these types of 'agreements' helps the loved one stay safe and is helpful for the carer to have peace of mind or at least feel prepared if our loved one is unwell.

You're definately not alone in your experience. Many people here are in relationships with people who have depression and/or PTSD. @Used2Be has a husband wiht PTSD, she discusses her experiences here, which I hope you find helpful.

Does anyone else have advice for Bradam?

[supernova]

Hi @Bradam,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks so much for your post. It sounds like your partner is going through a bit of a difficult time at the moment. Although it might all seem a bit confusing, closing yourself away from the world or withdrawing is a very common symptom of depression. When someone is depressed they experience very low mood and energy, and as a result, they quite often feel very unmotivated to engage in activities or relationships in the way they usually do. Also, experiences of trauma can also leave people feeling very unsafe and scared, which might lead someone to behave in the way your partner is e.g., not answering the door or telephone. Trauma can also alter our fundamental beliefs about the world and the people in it, leading us potentially feel scared and anxious in response to what might be quite benign and non-threatening situations or cues. Often cues of the trauma can be quite triggering, perhaps the time of year, or certain places or people. Has anything happened recently that might have triggered this change in his behaviour? I’m also wondering, does your partner currently have any support in place for his mental health, perhaps from a psychologist? PTSD and depression are both treatable conditions and there is help available if he needs it.

I’m really glad that you have been able to reach out on the Forums. There is a really supportive great community of like-minded people here. @kristin and @Brodie have also had expeirences of living with someone with PTSD and might be able to offer some helpful suggestions. I hope you can find the support you need for both yourself and your partner.

Look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

supernova

[SmilingAgain]

Hi,

I am feeling really lost at the moment and I read your post from early last month.  I've been dating a man for just 3 months.  It was love at first sight - we are both in our 40's and had our fair share of ups and downs and we were so grateful to have met each other.

He had some serious traumatic episodes happen to him during his life that meant he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as depression.  He was abused by a priest at boarding school, worked as a mortician and funeral director where his work began to get to him - his wife slept with his best friend and he raised his 2 kids for many years on his own - he did have family around.

He had a bad episode when looking after some badly burned bodies in a bush fire when he worked with a coroner and so had a break from his funeral directing.  He started working as a contractor moving whitegoods and had a contract with a furniture place - one day when moving a double fridge with the bosses son, the boy slipped and dropped his end of the fridge causing my man to over extend and he broke his back very badly.  Screws and a spinal stimulator eventually had to hold him together - he was lucky to be able to walk again and he had 5 years off work.  He got a degree in another profession and started new work.  He is warm, loving, upbeat, strong and likes to look at the positives.  I've had trials too but he really inspired me when I met him.

He has had some longer term relationships but found it hard to meet the right person.  He met me and told me almost immediately that he loved me - I strangely felt the same way.  Anyway we've had an amazing few months and spent lots of time together.  I didn't know he took anti-depressants but he does.

Recently 20Jan - he had to have the spinal stimulator in his back replaced as the unit had stopped working.  We don't live together either, but he had me down as his next of kin and I supported him through his hospital stay and opened my home that I share with my 12 year old daughter to him and his dog as he recovered after surgery.

After the surgery i noticed a change in his behaviour and 5 days after he got out of the hospital he got up one day, gathered most of his things and kind of left quite abruptly.   I knew that he had to go home and sort out his things and life but for some reason I felt it seemed sudden.

He was slower to get back to me when we texted each other and I thought I'd done something to hurt him, he assured me I hadn't that I was perfect and his feelings hadn't changed but he told me his mind was all over the place and this is when I found out he takes anti-depressants.  He was good about it and made a GP appointment.  He is new to the City recently relocating from interstate so his GP wouldn't know him so well.  Anyway he was advised to stop taking his anti-depressant meds for 7 days and was prescribed a new one which would also assist with pain relief.  He immediately decided to stay with his parents in the country for a few days (he had to get his ute repaired).  This was all fine but I noticed further distancing from me.  Anyway it has now become a situation where we have no communication, he has taken my photos off his facebook page, deleted his relationship status and when I went to his home to check on him, he wouldn't open the door.

I feel quite powerless and unable to know what to do to help.  It's a shock as well as I didn't know that he was depressed.  He'd told me about his history but he seemed so strong and matter of fact - he appeared to be able to communicate well and in a healthy way - acknowledging his painful times but with optimism for a better future and how far he had come.

He doesn't have a lot of support in this new City except for me and he has blocked me out.  I struggle with how to cope.  I've left messages and sent text messages trying to treat him like normal and talking about my day but it's just a one sided conversation.  Sometimes I've cried but it's because my heart is involved.  I'm a Single Mum and raised my daughter on my own for 11 years - my ex-husband moved overseas and rarely visits so I've been through my difficulties too.  I run my own business and have employees and I'm finding it difficult to support and understand my partner.  Does anyone have any suggestions about coping mechanisms to assist you when your depressed partner blocks you out.  It feels painful but I know it's the chemical imbalance causing it and not him.  I really love him and I feel so sad that I can't help.   

He pushes me away but should I keep trying to have contact?  Is that helpful?  I leave cheery messages sometimes or send a text and say I'm here and thinking of you.  A few times i have felt weak and cried which I know isn't helpful to him.

Anyway it was helpful to hear your story as I can definitely relate.  My body feels like we've broken up - I feel sad and heartbroken but my head knows logically it may not be the case.  I have to go to work and be there for my daughter - it's an effort but I'm doing it.

If anyone can shine a light on any aspect of my story I would be extremely grateful.

After many years on my own, I found the most amazingly loving man who would tell me everyday that he loved me and now there is nothing.  It's hard.  

Thank you.  P.S. I have a sister with bi-polar so have some understanding of mental illness

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Bradam and SmilingAgain

I have just read through your stories.  It has been a few months since you wrote.  I hope things are looking up for both of you.

I strongly suspect some form of depression is underlying my husband's food and body issues, but at the moment we are still in the head-in-the-sand-I'm-okay-Jack denial period, lasting a very long time.  It is helpful to read other people's stories.  So many similarities, and differences.

Thanks for sharing.  You might think at times that it's not making any difference, but it does.

Take care.