I dont know what to do

[deshift]

Cool, yep! @ClockFace 

Those all sound like clinical support. I guess I should have been more specific. Do you have any peer support? Or is the forum where you go for that? I'm genuinely interested.

🤔
deshift

[ClockFace]

@deshift yeah just the forums. Outside that Im on my own

[deshift]

@ClockFace Ah, bummer.

Well, I'm no peer support worker, I'm just a dude on heavy medication!


But, I'm here at the moment, nonetheless. You seem pretty cool to me. *shrugs* 

😎
deshift

[ClockFace]

@deshift 

I hear the heavy medicated lol. 

As a rule I try to let people be who they are, accept them as is and work with what I have. Its hard with them, Im not overtly rude or disrespectful to them but I have some very negative feelings where they are concerned. Theres  stuff that happened in my past and their reaction and involvement was less than ideal and thats caused a much larger rift than they realised, me too until I confronted it a bit more head on. Being brought up in a very religous family what the parents did was correct and couldnt be challenged, turns out thats wrong and so was what they did or didnt do. But, they dont want to deal with it so Im left in a crap spot, I chose to not have an attitude with them as much as I can and just get on with them. They are aware of my problems with them, they sweep everything under the rug. 


Cheers mate, Im gonna try and get some sleep, keep posting Ill respond in a couple hours lol

[deshift]

okay, I won't tag you this time!

I hear you about parents. I just let a post go about my dad in my thread Day Dreamer; Night Wanderer . Have a look if you like, but only if that's within your scope of coping.

I'll probably go back and read through some of the earlier stuff you wrote, if I have nothing else later and can't sleep. It can't possibly be as confronting as the novel I'm reading about a SecUnit bot/human construct and it's best friend Perihelion the AI supercomputer transport ship!

[ClockFace]

@deshift 

Yeah ended up with what is fast becoming the standard 3 hours lol. 

I try to remember that they were young when it was all happening too, but I still get stuck with, they should have done something, it was their responcibility. My Dad is still the same way, I talk to him about the issues Im having with Mum and I get "I dont know what to do" and then he walks away. FFS how about, anything. How about you stand up for me, how about you have my back like I have yours all the time. 

If I can manage to actually settle and sit down and read Ill have a read of yours. It amazes me how much damage parents can do and are doing to kids with out even trying. 

[ClockFace]

I woke up after what seems to be my standard 3hrs, well has been for past few days. Im pretty full of beans too. I got up and logged my sleep etc. Then I Set up my head set, along with Alexa and this time it worked. I have a couple of cables that I use irregularly and I used cable management velcro straps to make hooks for the cables so I can hang them, which makes it so much easier to get to. I reorganised the fridge so that there was room for more stuff and to help Dad. Im pretty sick of him groaning everytime he goes into the fride. Ive pretty well taken over the top shelf with my drinks, yogurt and meals. Im going to clean up a drawer in the freezer for my meals coming this Thursday. I only have a base order coming through but future orders will be for a months worth of food so Im gonna need some room in the freezer. Im probably going to do that shortly. Im trying to keep quite while doing everything because Dads still asleep. Im also having to keep a check of myself as well, that I dont push too much, stand for too long in one go etc. Im pretty sore, from the moment I woke up Ive been sore and I dont really need to aggrivate it any further. Ive done a few bits and pieces on my tablet as well, Ive had thoughts for stuff I should look at getting and doing etc. so Ive been doing a few of those things. Ive started a new medication which needs me to take a dose in the middle of the day. At the moment Im using a ziplock bag to store the doses where I sit but so I can take them with me when I go to appointments etc. The dose is 1/2 a tablet as well, so its much simpler to store a weeks supply with me. I found a small metal container that I can put them in on Amazon. Its meant for pills, so I know it should be plenty small enough and it looks better than a regular pill box. Im not about hiding my illnesses etc. I am open about them and my disabilities, I am a believer in being honest about those things. I think the way the would looks at significant illness and any form of disability is so wrong. It is so unsupportive from a community stand point. We talk about it taking a village, but villages need cities and cities need states and so on. All those things should all be supporting disability and illness, but we still dont see people with those concerns as having the same value as people without them. There is a surface level inclusiveness but when the chips are down, its simpler just to get a person without conditions to do it. Im a little cynical, especially given how well my work treats me. I do have have an issue with the way the government treats people with these conditions, I mean the disability pension is pretty well pathetic. Disabled and ill people tend to have far higher medical costs, but they still have to pay full price for specialists, medication costs are cheaper, scans are full price too. Im not sure if the rebate for appointments and scans are much higher or not. There are services out there like the NDIS but its hard to gain access too. The government looks at those with concerns as if they are scamming them first off. The DSP is barely a livable payment, I know as my sister is on it. But that can be said about all of their pensions, if your not a productive member of society in their eyes, then your only worth the basics, the bare minimum. You shouldnt earn enough to be able to put anything aside that might help you improve your future, God forbid you feel lIike having one is worthwhile. I get that the government is scammed a lot but there has to be a better way to engage with people, vunerable people. Come at them believing first and be willing to be the party to wear the disappointment, not the other way around. I mean, we take our politians with somewhat a belief they will do well and the best for us but they end up on massive wages, making no difference and if they do its usually for the worse.

I just sorted out the freezers, my back is throbbing. I started and I couldnt stop. I should have taken a break or two. Given that I managed that Im going to see how I go doing the dishwasher shortly. I want to be able to help Dad out when I can, so Im going to talk to Dad and say that I will try and do the dishwasher but if I need I will ask. Later, Ill see how I go but Ill try and start doing that later on, its a little harder cause Ive really got to bend right down. I actually put more thought into it, its not just bending over at the dishwasher, its bending over at the cupboards etc. and often into them quite a bit and I dont think I can manage to actually do that. Added, to that GOD DAMN my back is killing me, I really pushed it too much this morning, but I got some stuff done, made some room. I have sorta thought about doing the pantry, which is a heinous mess. For some reason people cant work out how to put stuff back where it was or how not to shove shit just where ever.

I drive my Mum's car since the engine seized in my old ute. Before I was driving it, my sister was and she trashed the thing and never cleaned or emptied it. Because of my back I havent been able to, but have been blamed (I know, I was shocked) for its state. Anyhow, it occured to me vacuuming it would be easier at a car wash but I never carry cash. I went to the one I used to go to and they've upgraded to being digital and you can pay with an app, you get a $5 voucher if you sign up. It took $2 to vacuum the front seats. In a while Im going to take whats sprawled out over the back of the car (the seats are down) and put it into the boot. Put the seats up and make it look more like a real car. I mean there are blankets and cardboard in the back for when stuff was being picked up but thats not happening anymore.

I ended up doing the dishwasher, it wasnt too bad. I spent some time in my room, I cleaned up the first wardrobe, well the bottom of it. It knackered me but I threw out a fair bit and made room in the top drawer for my clothes I normally wear, so they can be off the floor. I tidied up the room in general, heaps that had no home found homes. I also had a bunch of drinks in the kitchen on the bench, like water and coke et. Thats all in my room now

I think I missed posting last night, maybe night before too. Ive been busy Ive pretty well set everything up so its managable but mostly there are automatic reminders, the idea being, when I slump Im still giving myself the best chance to keep pushing forward and keeping on top of what is actually important. My new watch band and the kit to pull it apart appear to be waiting for me to collect so I should be able to expand my watch band further and wear my smart watch again.

That really all Ive been doing is sorting out my days, ensuring Im schedualling in everything I do. Its not so much about keeping to a schedual its about making sure those things are actually done. Things like checking my BSL, having a shower etc, stuff I so quickly stop when I get really down. I dont know if this will stop that happening but Im not really sure what else to try. I really dont like it when it happens and its really kinda gross (the showering thing).

Out of my own curiosity, like the post if you read my carry on please. Im really curious 

[Dimity]

Great to see you kicking some goals @ClockFace 

[deshift]

@ClockFace  Sounds great! I'm listening! Too busy to respond properly, but I will try to later tonight.

😁
deshift

[ClockFace]

So, I saw the doctor. And um, she's so good. We went through all the updates from the doctors Ive seen since I saw her last, 4 specialist in around a week and she's a lot to speed now. There was a lot of information to get through and she had some stuff of her own so it was like 15 to 20min just of that.

I spoke to her about a Diabetes medication thats also used for weight loss. I was concerned about doing it because I might need it later with my Diabetes but it dawned on me that if I lost weight and got healthier then I likely wont need to be using it for that purpose. I picked that up tonight and will start today.

My GP is pregnant and will be going on materity leave soon. So we talked about who can take over from here. The two I had considered are leaving so Im going to move over to one I havent seen before. It has to be a female do to my complex PTSD. I cant talk to males about, well anything much really, I dont like it, I dont trust them.

I trialled an speach to text app for this and Im rather underwhelmed I mean a lot of it was just missing but what was there made little sense and had to be rewritten. I have another couple to try, hopefully they will be better.

Dads really ticked me off, so I saw the doctor about my sleep. Im off for an inhospital sleep study with some extras thrown in, like a blood gas and a few other things. I have to have some other blood test soon but I have to fast for it. Shes not keen on the medication I use for restless legs, long term use can make it worse. So, once Ive had my tests shes going to look at changing that. She didnt want to make any diagnoses but did say I have some form of insomnia, which is kinda obvious, I dont sleep more than a few hours a day. Im not allowed to drive long distance anymore, Im allowed to drive short distance and if its needed, like doctors and stuff.

I didnt note down that I needed my extra pain killers when I went to the GP today. So, Im without anything but my base pain meds and my back is so bad, plus I have a bit of withdrawals. My memory is really bad lately, Im noting, making todo lists and reminders galore on my tablet & phone and if its not on there, its not getting done and Id have no idea. I mean you would think the pain would highlight the need but Im in pain so often and so much its not out of the ordinary for me.

Tomorrow Im having the injection into my shoulder to try and deal with this boil thing on my shoulder bone. Im not overly concerned about it but I have 2 other appointments after that and Im hoping the pain isnt too bad after to deal with the appointments. I hope the relief is pretty quick to come along. I got sick of hearing about the damn printer, it just needs an extension cord to be bought for it. So for the overly expensive cost of $6 I got one today and put it under the table and plugged it up. I set my phone to it but I havent been able to get my tablet to sync.

My legs and feet have swollen a heap, they are pretty damn sore, its like waking on memory foam pillows.

So with all that in mind, Ive been out at doctors for 5hr of the day, Ive had 21 hours sleep in the last week. He says to me when I get home we have some paper work to do tonight. I really didnt know or care what he was on about but I went off into what I needed to get done before bed, as I really want to go to bed on time tonight, not that it matters, Ill just wake at 1am. Im wandering around doing the things I need to, my legs, back and shoulders are all killing me. I sat down to do something on my tablet and Dad just walks over with his laptop in hand and comes to put it in my fn face. I calmly had a crack at him. How hard would it be to say are you free now? or when would you be free? But no he just barges into my world expecting to take over.

I finished what I was doing and showed him, again, how to upload a file. The guy can work out how to create a secret email account etc but upload a file is too hard. I gave him back the laptop and he was like, what and I said I dont want to do it. You can, I just showed you. He then proceeded to winge like a child about having to do it himself and he messed up once and that was it he didnt do it anymore. I cracked it and said that Im on no pain killers, I dont have the temperment for this and his responce was that he didnt either. Well, its not a job for me because you dont feel like it. I ask for help because I physically cant do stuff, not because I dont want to. I also ask, I dont demand, I dont just barge on in trying to take over and deciding that what Im doing has no value to him so therefore no value at all. Even if I was feeling ok, Id probably tell him I wasnt doing it because he offended me so much. Be polite, be respectful. I ask, I give the option not to say yes, but seriously just ask me.

To rub the disrespect in, Ive just gone to get a ginger beer to settle my stomach and hes taken one, without asking. These are the diet versions, that I buy for myself. Yes Im borrowing money from him but I have to repay that with interest, its not that hes given it to me. I buy enough stuff for a week, thats my budget now, if hes gonna start nicking stuff, thats not going to work. A quick call or message, its not life and death he could have waited but no, hes entitled to whatever he wants. Even it that is me and my time. I ask everyone if Im going to use any of their stuff but I dont get the same respect.

That was my wind down alarm, Ive started that recently to help me prepare to go to bed. So, Im gonna stop writing