Rant - Today Sucked

[ClockFace]

So I did  post about some of this earlier. Im still feeling like shit on a stick. 5 months until the next procedure, which means that Dad has to look after all my  chores, help wash my clothess etc. and he has enough to do. So Im just piling on to Dad's work load not helping him and that makes me feel like crap. I mean this procedure was supposed to end the pain, now Im even further behind as Im in more pain and the pain specialist wasnt like its this or that its lets do this and go from there. Im not pissed at the pain specialist but im really ticked off.

The whole Psychiatrist thing slows down my return to work. Im seeing a psychiatrist on Friday which might help but I think I need to be seeing a regular Psychiatrist before I go back to work, one session and maybe some meds changes isnt going to solve thee issue long term.

So slowing down my return to work and when I do go back to work it will have to be reduced hours because of the whole Oxycodone issue. Im not happy

I cant get my shit together mentally or physically, I dont feel like Im worth much at all. 

[tyme]

I'm sorry to hear @ClockFace . 

I really hear the stress. Not being able to go back to work adds financial strain which in turn adds to the MH strain.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Please know we are here for you.

[ClockFace]

I went down to am Angiogram appointment, I had to get there early so I had time to make a phone call when the clinic opened to get an appointment with the Duty Doctor, which I managed for 4:30pm today. So I can get more pain killers (Hopefully). Dad's gonna take me as Ill be too out of it by then, Im kinda struggling already.

Anyhow I went to the place of for the Angiogram I went through the whole concent form etc they decide to tell me that the Dr's plane was delayed and they have no idea when he will get here, like it could be 10min or 3hrs, no idea so I rebooked for next week at the same time. I wasnt waiting around for no idea. 

So I drove home a one and a half hour drive later I was back home. After my appointment yesterday, it was about the same amount of time. Im in so much pain after all that driving.

[ClockFace]

I know its gonna bug me no end but at the moment I cant do my routines cause of the pain so Im going to modify my routines and cut out what I cant do and start doing the things that I can do. 

Ive avoided doing this because well, it started with my sister, not being able to do routines because I was looking after her. Shes home now and Dads basically looking after her not me. So while Im depressed as hell, I do have the ability to do my routines, some of them at least, Im hoping that doing my routines again will help me get out of the depressed state Im in. 

Modifying the routines doesnt sit well with me, it feels wrong, I have them as they are for a reason but Ill give it a go

[ClockFace]

So Ive made the changes to my routines, I feel incredibly dirty. Like I dunno, Ive had a 44 Gallon drum of oil poured all over me and Ive then been rolled in sand and gravel. Like really dirty, the kind that doesnt want to come off and I havent even started doing them yet.

I got rid of all the stuff I cant do, which sucked, it was like rubbing my face in the things I cant do anymore, well for now. But it was just like I dunno, here is the stuff your handing to your already overworked Dad.

The walks I do, Ive changed to breathing time, rather than just give it up and do nothing Ill do some form of breathing excercise.

Hopefully this will help me settle a bit

[ClockFace]

I dont want to be a winger but Im in so much pain, my pain medications arent keepinig up with it today. It just comes down to doing too much, driving too much. But Im really not coping, you know. With months ahead of me before anything further happens Im feeling really down. Im so over it, Ive still got to go to the GP, Im not driving but still more time in the car. I really just want to curl up and go to sleep. Im not getting much  of that at the moment. Once my night meds wear off that about it for the night. If Im doing really well Ill get another 2 or 3hrs but thats rare now.

Sorry,  it really sucks and Im not coping and Im falling into a hole

[ClockFace]

My sister has now tried to commit suicide twice, she has just got home from hospital from the second one. On the day she was comming home Dad finally organised safes for everyones medication and he decided to put hers with mine. Which means I am giving her her meds when they are due. Im ok with that, would have been nice to have been asked but OK. 

Well today Mum decided to put her two cents in and say that the meds should be held by someone who doesnt want to commit suicide. Dad said to her that I didnt want to commit suicide.

Dad relays this conversation to me and says well you dont want to commit suicide do you? And I replied yes I do, the only reason I dont is I dont want my sister to grow old alone. He asked why, and I started to reply and we were off on another tangent so I left it. Seriously if he cant work out why then I shouldnt have to tell him.

I later said to him, if thats an issue, medication not being held by those who want to commit suicide then he would have to have everyones (inc Mums). My sister tried twice so yeah her meds need to be taken away from her. I havent tried and neither has Mum, though there is strong, very strong indication she is overusing some of her meds. I am compliant and my sisters meds are nothing compared to what I take so I wouldnt even bother with hers if I was so inclined.

What I cant get over is he didnt think I was suicidal when I on multiple occassions had told him just that. He could just look at my life for 2sec and realise that its completely gone to shit, Im in incredible pain constantly, Im beyond stressed, Im  as anxious as a chip in the middle of a bunch of seagulls. Like there is nothing positive in my life, save my sister and even she is frustrating me more than anything most the time at the moment (I feel bad about saying that). How does he not realise how depressed I  am, how does it fail to gel that I may just be considerinig suicide?

I would say that I am suicidal fantising rather than suicidal ideation. Its like an escape, like suicide would be an escape but this is like really strong day dreaming about getting out the only way I can think to get out. I consider it but my sister growing old alone stops me. I am safe. I have no intent

[tyme]

I'm following @ClockFace .

I hear how challenging it is right now.

I'm wondering if you would be interested in tonight's LIVE Peer Group Chat? It is on now. https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Peer-Group-Chat-Reframing-Failure-Thursday-20th-April-2023-7...

You register and connect on an external platform.

[ClockFace]

Over the past few weeks I have been on a strong pain medication and after yesterday's appointment I find Im likely to be on  it for a lot longer. For the most part I have only been able to get 10 or 20 at a time. 20 being the max as far as I can tell. Thats like 4-5 days worth. 10 costs about the same amount as 20 and lower amounts mean more appointments. So it all costs more to get the same amount, given Im on it for a while I was freaking out at the costs involved.

Well today I saw the doctor and we discussed the appointment yesterday and how I can go about appointments etc going forward as its hard to get regular (like every 4 or 5 days) appointments with the same doctor. He agreed and next thing he is giving me a script for 60. I didnt know that was an option. If the first doctor did that it would have saved me heaps of money and grief

Anyhow I still need my letter from the pain specialist for more pain meds so hopefully he actually does that. But if he does this doctor might make this more tolerable

[ClockFace]

I had that appointment with the Psychiatrist, she was good. Took me a bit to warm up to her, nothing wrong with her just I dunno. She was 1/2hr late because she "got caught up talking to someone" which just bugged the shit out of me. I was supposed to be the priority at that point not some random person. The set up was dismal, I have a better setup at home with my tablet and Zoom etc. All this equipment for a really lousy experience. 

So we discussed a heap of stuff, we went through my medications, gonna make some changes. One I dont like the taste of we are getting rid of which makes me pretty happy. She is going to review my meds with a pharmacist work out interactions and where one drug stops another working maybe. She is going to try and work with the meds and reduce what she can and make calls that work but arent overly financially taxing. So I was happy with all of that.

We talked about my childhood, as those following would know it wasnt great. We talked about heaps of stuff and in the end she diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, Im not 100% sure what that is so will be researching that. Im not sure if that is a new diagnosis or a replacement of the Bipolar 2 with Psychotic Features I started wearing out mentally around that point. I found that it didnt take long for me to struggle mentally, had difficulty focusing and concentrating so part of the appointment I didnt really have much of an idea what was going on.

I know that she wasnt going to get in the way of me going back to work but on reduced hours. I know the medication I take to stop my hands from shaking is going to be doubled (over time) the idea being that it will treat my constant anxiety.

Once she has spoken to the pharmacist she will write a report and send it to my GP, so I will get a copy of that and get actually up to date with what happened.

My next appointment with my GP is on the 23rd May, which sucks, because a) my sick certificate runs out on the 1st May, I might have to get the doc doing my pain meds to do one. But b) mainly thats a long time to wait for the report. Ive been put on the cancellation list so maybe Ill get lucky