I have Bipolar 2 with psychotic features (shortened to Bipolar through out this piece), my experience with Bipolar is hard to explain. I have been on medication for it for about 10 years and always compliant so many of the normal symptoms arent an issue for me anymore. The hypomanic side doesnt really happen anymore, before treatment they were rare to begin with. Primarily it was spending money, like a lot of money. I got a credit card and a cash only credit card and I bought all new furiture for my appartment, PS3 and a high end PC bit of stuff for the kitchen etc. this was before I was diagnosed and I am still paying it off.
For me Depression is the real issue, I still get it often and for long periods. I can seem totally normal on the outside but on the inside there is a crushing weight, there is a well spring of darkness and of hopelessness. I can struggle with depression for months and years at a time. Suicidal ideation is often an issue but I have never attempted. When depressed I stop or lessen the frequency of showering, I dont change clothes, not even into PJs etc, I lessen my activities, I put in the minimum effort, I get grumpy, I sleep more, like lots more, I dont want to eat and my mental state degrades significantly. Im depressed so much that I would just assume I am, its just the degree of the depeeth of my depresstion
I struggle with mood swings, generally they last a while or there are decent breaks inbetween. Like I will be incredibly frustrated over nothing for a day or 2 and then go back to being however I was, normally depressed, which I would say is my default state. Then I will go to being just angry. What gets me is generally speaking either people dont acknowledge it or I am really good at not showing it but it doesnt seem to be recognised that I am going through mood changes or that I am depressed.
Even with my psychotic features, family doesnt realise when I am struggling with them, even if I tell them that I am having them its like I said I went to the toilet. My main thing is hearing screaming, tens of thousands off damned souls screaming in my head. Rarely, it can be projected externally from walls etc. It can be brief, like an hour or so or it can last for up to 4 months. I get visual hallucinations, these vary but most recent has been people watching me, this twisted into delusions that there was a demonic conspirincy against me. I ended up having issues with believing cars were chasing me, to the point that I nearly started taking evasive actions. I also have tactile hallucinatioins, they are rarer but terrifying. In the interest of not breaking guidlines they were demonic in nature as well and Ill leave it at that.
I recently started believing the world wasnt real, that my parents were impostors and everyone else wasnt real, the only person that was real was my sister. I would see cracks between this fake world and the real world, cracks were like portals that I could simply jump through and be in the real world, with real people and real parents.
While I felt everything was true, the hallucinations, etc everything was factually happening or factual in reality, I knew it wasnt. When it happens its a fight between what is heard, seen, felt etc and the knowledge that it isnt real. I worry one day that I will lose that fight, one day I will not be able to tell the difference between what is real and what is not.
Thats something I not often talked about, there is a lot of fear and apprehension associated with Bipolar. Apprehension of mood changes, I might not have typical hypomanic moods but I have periods of poor decision making, often with financial consequences. But just simply not knowing if Im going to wake the next day grumpy or angry can be hard. There is a lot of fear for me in relation to psychotic features, when will they start, will it just be hallucinations or will it be a full psychotic break. Am I going to be at work dealing with it, is it going to interfer with my duties. I mean hearing screaming for months on end has an affect on how you work and in a demanding role like mine that can be difficult to explain why Im not meeting targets and KPI's
I dont know if my experience is typical, my psychotic features are triggered by stress not mood changes to depression as far as I can tell. I would think from what I have read that Im more likely schitzoaffective disorder though treatment would likely be unchanged. Most my psych meds are for schitzophrenia now days but me being me I want to know one way or the other for sure. But thats my experience with what they have diagnosed, I wanted to post this in the Bipolar Thread but I couldnt find it so if admin read this and can advise Id appreciate it.
