Im supposed to be having a heart scan thing looking for blockages today. No stimulants etc. But Ive woken coughing and a runny nose so cant even get into the place to do it cause of covid restrictions. The results call isnt for like a month so its no big deal.
Im really struggling with the constant mood changes, like being happy when I wake in the midle of the night but realld depressed this morning, then Ill want to cry and randomly Ill feel happy for a bit maybe mixed with wanting to cry. I was thinking about iit on the way back from town and realiased it started around the same time my sister attempted suicide and I found her. As I have spoken before I keep replaying that moment in my mind during the day and its waking me up, though I think its getting better as in not as often.
Im on hold to SANE to talk about it at the moment because Im really not handling it, I feel like I should be able to but I dont know who I am one moment to the next. I know underlying it all is deep, dark and engrained depression which I dont know how to combat. Normally, I just live with it, like let it run its course but its so regular that I dont want to keep doing that, I realise that is a psychology/psychiatry thing not a SANE thing but it is something that I find sticks like epoxy glue to me and its never far away. Even when Im happy, below the surface is this ocean of darkness just boiling ready to explode into another depressive episode.
My sister doesnt seem to understand what she has put this family through, put me through. How much pain she has caused in her latest attempt. We cant trust her, I dont know who she is at the moment. Turns out she doesnt have Boarderline Personality Disorder but Adjustment Disorder. I get that it attributes to some stuff but at least with the BPD the demanding, uncaring attitude was explained now it appears she is just a .... very bad word. I dont get how Adjustment Disorder attributes for demanding certain clothes be brought down, knowing times for coming down and if she deems it too late its that we are considering her an inconvienience. Like, we have lives going on too. Mums in hospital as well. There are animals and 3 acres to manage. Added to which neither Dad or I are well. I said I wasnt going to the scan today and that was an issue as I MIGHT have come visit her. I never promised and likelyhood was that I wouldnt as I would be too tired but still sent her on a tangent.
I realised today that I am likely going to be having at least one more surgery that wasnt planned. So I have been blood after I urinate, in most cases is a bad thing in my case as I have bladder cancer a very bad thing and my GP has moved on it kinda urgently, as best they can with all the other stuff going on, for a while there I could have booked her out for the day to deal with things but the list is getting smaller. Anyhow a referral to a new Urologist has been done, just waiting for it to be sent. I spoke to the Urology firm and they have made an appointment for the 22 May but have stated that when the referral comes through they will triage and see if they can get a sooner appointment. As blood when peeing could mean a ruptured tumor I expect Il be seen pretty soon. But it will also mean, as there is no infection, that Im likely to need another surgery to find out why there is blood. That will be my 5th surgery/procedure for the year. I lost count how many I had last year. Im sick of being in hospital for any reason, and Im sure its affecting my mental health
Something else I realised is that I like the SANE forums because I feel like someone is listening to me, sometimes I dont get a reply sometimes I get a supported but people have said they have been reading what I write and didnt know what to say, but people are listening. Which is something I dont feel like I get much of. My Mum is so wrapped up in petty family (her sister) BS thats been going on for years but its a daily discussion point with someone. No one cares, forgive her and reunite or dont and shut up, they are your options. But Mum's right and my Auntie should realise this and come grovelling to my Mum for her forgiveness and express how much better she is.
My Dad has his head so far underground its suprising you can see his feet. He goes on about hardly missing a day seeing my sister but when she was first admitted to the Mental Health Facility he didnt see her for pretty much all of that, I dealt with that. He may have "shown up" regularly but he wasnt there as her carer, he wasnt dealing with her doctors or medical decisions, he wasnt letting family know of medical updates or just updates to how she was, that has all sat with me, still does despite having just had spinal surgery I am still dealing with the ins and outs of my sisters situation. I just got off the phone with where she is asking for a doctor to call me regarding her. No one else in the family has done it, though I dont think my sister has given permission for anyone else to get information. Though Dad did start to step up a bit when I started having delusions, the halucinations didnt bother him but the delusions seemed to trigger something, not much but something.
My sister is wrapped up in her own issues, which I some have some understanding. Before she had this episode for a lack of another term, her and I would talk, unless she and Mum were all chummy in which case we didnt really talk much. When we did she primarily dismissed my mental health issues, illnesses, generally anything. Like I started with the blood in the pee and she said it was nothing, see a GP and they kinda freak out. I talk about my pain and well everyone is in pain etc. Doesnt matter that its taken a surgery to even have a chance to be out of pain, let alone all the different pain medications I am on to manage the pain.
Largely what I have had to say has been dismissed by my family. There is a kinda hierache in our house and I am very much at the bottom, Im the screw up, Im crap with money, I have struggled with drugs and alcohol, not that I remember but I have been violent towards my Mum and Sister (literally dont recollect a thing), I moved out and had to move back in, if you ask them its finances, the whole breif psychotic episode is pushed aside. So Im just nothing, that said Dad isnt much higher up the ladder. Mum and my sister rule the roost, not that I tend to pay them much nevermind, kinda figure I cant get much lower and Im not going to make anything better doing what they say (just make me feel worse) so I might as well do what I want, so long as it doesnt have an actual negative impact on my family or members.
Just got off the phone to SANE, they are good, out of all Ive experienced they are the best at this kinda thing. Anyhow we talked about my moods and emotions and what happened with my sister and she said that it sounded like I was grieving, that the impact of what happened was so severe that it caused me to grieve and provided me some information about grieving. Ive only had my grandparents die in my lifetime, I wasnt overly close to any of them, I was sad obviously that they had died but I dont think I grieved, if I did I essentially pushed it aside. Thats not working this time thats for sure, Id like it to, I dont want to have to deal with, address any emotions and the like. I am quite happy ignoring and pushing my emotions down, a nerd comment but I think Vulcans are on to something.
You know talking about emotions, neither Dad or I express them...well much. But we arent really permitted to, I cant think I have every really been permitted to. They have always been dismissed, Im exaggerating, or something like that. Its never been that how I feel is just acknowledged or allowed to be. Dad is the same, or at least he just never showed them.
Mum and my sister are very different, loud emotions, everything was a loud emotion and trying to restrain or quieten the emotions was met with anger.
This is not to say my family doesnt love me, they do and I them. They have been by my side through a lot and I have tried to be their for them. Its a very insular family, we dont have much in the way of family friends or even individual friends. So we are all we have.
I wish there was a psychology platform like this where you write a bunch of stuff on you mind and they respond to it and it continues. Like a pen pal with a therapist. It would suit me so much better. I can talk but am far better at writing my thoughts. I can correct, add to, etc. Like I think of something I should add to what I said 10 min ago not stuck with what I said at the time.
My best friend who I see a few times a year and occassionally msg got in touch to see how Im going with my back which given the day Im having with it made me feel better. Im having a shit day, lots of pain. Ended up taking the last of the good stuff, so just got up from a nap, but telling him how I have gone over the week reminded me how far Ive come. Today is just a bad day but its been better in general
I actually fed the dogs today. Dads been visiting Mum and my sister so I wanted to help. Gonna try and take out the rubbish in a minute. Which I managed. Lifting the bag itself was a challenge but opening a new bag sucked.
I felt better after msging my friend but then Ive fallen back down into just how much I have going on, personally and in my family. I told him a couple things but the list I have is amazing and it seems to be growing not shrinking. You know I have mojor issues to look into but a heap of "minor" issues as well. This isnt even mentioning the family issues and family member issues. It just seems like there is too much to manage and so much of it is managing, not curing. Like here is a new medication to take, see a psychologist, see a psychiatrist, see a psychotherapist. This all costs money, lots of money. Most the time I dont know where I am getting the money from to pay for these things, or I just dont get to do it. Dad does help by lending money to pay for it but it just puts me further into debt. I hope one day to not be but I keep getting dug deeper and deeper into debt to pay for therapy, treatments, procedures and medication. Even my Cardiologist said I must reach my safety limit pretty quickly, which I do, my only saving grace.
I dont know how to explain this, but we get an order from my sister for clothes etc that she wants brought down, it happens each time we come down, which is a every second day thing. Its often just a list this shirt, that jumper etc. Sometimes we facetime to get the right things sometimes its a phone call explaining what she wants. Every time it takes 30min or more to pack a bag. Even the bag to be used is specified. We just about never get it right. A) we dont know her clothing and what she is asking for because its not ours B) its ridicoulous
Give a list of what you want white jumper, black pants etc thats it, no particular brand etc. Im not denying you need clothes but a particular jumper or a particular pair of pants. Your in hospital, not a fashion show. Not to mention the stress and time it imposes on those coming down to see you. If its bad enough etc she will buy click and collect and have us pick it up on the way. I just want to drive 30 min there see her for a while and come home, not spend ages hand selecting clothing and going to shops to pick up orders.
Self care is a significant issue and getting worse, I think Im day 4 or 5 of not showering. I cant remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I dont get changed to go to bed, I normally wear track pants, a t-shirt and maybe a jumper. I generally wear thongs or slippers almost never wear shoes. So kick of the foot wear and into bed. I often change my top daily but of late I have rarely done that. That is partially as I havent done any washing and Im out of clothes. Just at the moment doing washing seems a bit on the potentially hard and painful side so I keep putting it off but I have to do it. I dont want to ask my Dad to, he has enough on his plate and washing my clothes is something I do and have always done since I moved back in.
Ive been finding meals difficult, its hard for me to stand for long, more so now, so I tend to eat cereal when I wake at like 2am. I then tend to eat nothing or crap until tea. Tea is Lite n' Easy so I have started buying 2 lots of dinners (the lunches suck) and having one for lunch and one for tea so I am improving somewhere but I have a long way to go.
I did ring Griefline as recommended by SANE, I dont feel like I got any answers other than what I am feeling is normal, for someone experiening grief. She pointed me to their website which looks alright, theres some infromation and a forum so Ill probably join the forum and see what people think. I thought grief happened when someone passed, not when someone tries. I just want this mess of emotions and moods to go.
Reading the information might be hard. I had a document from my income protection people and it was just mush, trying to find out what they wanted was really hard and I have been finding that a lot lately. That lots of information is hard for me to focus on and digest, which given its what I do for a job kinda sucks and shouldnt be an issue. So some websites are the same, I got the information pack from SANE on grief and it was, I dunno, like a page written in another language thats been dropped in water. Forums are good cause the informatioin provided is consise, yet I dont write the same. Granted this has been in the works for the entire day, I thought one post instead of many was better, its still long and jumbled. I couldnt write something at work like this, it just wouldnt be accepted.
