Just so tired...

[Rose34]

I don't know what I hope to gain by writing this but anyone in my life that I talk to about this just say the same things: "you'll be ok", "everything will work out", "things will get better".... and they all sound like hollow sentiments to me.  I know they mean well, that they're being supportive in the only way they know how... but the situation I find myself in can't be improved by hollow sentiments of support.

I'm so tired... and not physically (although a little bit that too...) but existentially tired.  I feel like the universe has been smacking me in the face at every opportune moment.  Every time I feel stable, secure, safe, dare I say on the way to happy.... something happens and my world comes crashing down around me. Like the universe is saying to me "Nope, not quite. Try again!"

The most recent thing is my housemate, someone who I'd also counted as a friend (perhaps foolishly so) gave notice that he was moving out.  He gave me less notice than he gave the real estate! We moved into this house together because it suited our living requirements, or actually I should say HIS living requirements around his job at the time and his dog.  His dog that I fell in luv with and have been the primary carer for over two thirds of her life.  His dog that he will be taking with him and knowing him, he will cut ties out of spite, and I will never see her again... We moved to this much bigger house from a small apartment and so during our time here we acquired more furniture to fill it.  When he moves, he is only taking the furniture he brought with him, or bought personally when we moved here.  So if I have to move out, it will be my responsibility to sell, store, or get rid of all the rest of it. 

We put an ad up for his room and I've been applying for housing, but so far nothing.  I can't stay here by myself because the rent for the whole house is 90% of my wage! So as it stands, I can't move out, but I can't stay... and he moves out in approximately 10 days....

Oh and I should probably mention that I have to submit my PhD thesis in 3 weeks!! And there is no possibility of an extension.  If I don't submit it in 3 weeks I will be kicked out of my program and the last 10 yrs of my life go down the toilet.  All the pain and suffering of the last decade will have been for absolutely nothing.

To add insult to injury, through the drama's I've been having with my current housemate, and his moving out and all that drama... I've lost many other people that I thought were friends, people who are either taking his side and ditching me, or are so sick and tired of me complaining about my crappy life, they've cut me off. They don't wanna hear it anymore...

So in summary:

1. I'm facing potential homelessness in the next few weeks, or financial ruin (if I stay). And even if I move out I have to organise movers, storage, end-of-lease cleaners, hard rubbish, etc.

2. I simultaneously have the biggest deadline of my life coming up in 3 weeks

3. I'm mourning the loss of the beautiful puppy I fell in love with and will likely never see again

4. I've lost several 'friends', and in general have no support system at all

5. I also work fulltime... so time is my enemy!

I'm sad, stressed, overwhelmed, angry... and that is just the emotions I can name.  I'm also periodically dissociating which is impacting productivity on my thesis, and on the housing front.

I'm tired, so tired.... I don't see a way out, I don't see a light at the end of any tunnel, I'm trapped.... I want to give up. Why do I have to be constantly fighting just to make it to the next day, when the next day is just going to be another battle... it's too much!!

[MJG017]

Hi @Rose34 

The universe does seem to enjoy messing with us doesn't it?  I've stopped try to tell people around me how i'm going because if I hear "You'll be fine" one more time...

I'm so sorry your roommate has put you is such a terrible position, and a such a bad time as well by the sounds of it.  Hopefully you can find someone to move in very soon and you can finish the thesis.  Is there anywhere or anyone you could go to to maybe help to find a new housemate?  Such an incredible amount of pressure and stress you must be feeling right now.

I had a really difficult physical health diagnosis a couple of years ago and in the next 12 months life long mental struggles soon were dialed right up.  Both these events taught me exactly who were the people in my life I could really count on to be there for me.  As it turned out... not many.  But 2 years on and I feel like i'm in such a better place.  Not physically, that serious health issue isn't going away and casts a serious shadow over what the future looks like, but apart from that, after 2 long and very difficult years I do feel like i'm in a better place.  I no longer have people around me that I feel like I need to please with little support in return and and I know the people I have around me now will support me when I need it.

As a result of this 'clean out' I guess of people who weren't really there for me when I needed them, I feel my support network is now bigger than ever.  Not huge by any means, but what (who) I have now is quality.  The darkest/hardest times can bring changes in our lives that provide surprise benefits and improvements for our lives.

I really hope you can get your thesis done and then get everything else sorted out.  Is there any sort of financial assistance you could look into in case it comes to that?  I wish I had some better advice for you.  The only thing I can think of is try to forget anything that isnt a top priority right now.  There's time to worry about other things once you have your thesis and accommodation sorted out.  I understand there is a lot to deal with right now, which is why i think you just need to focus on the things that you can affect in the next few weeks.  Divide and conquer so to speak.

I've been there recently... wondering why fight through a day, just to start again the following day.. and so on.  But you find a way, somehow you find a way.  And things start to become a little easier.  If most of it goes wrong then we find a way to start over.  But you're not there yet.  Like I said, focus on the most important and critical issues right now and hopefully, with a bit of luck, you can make some progress.  I don't suppose this housemate is helping in any way to find a replacement?

I wish you all the best and really hope one or two things start going your way soon.  Let us know how you're getting on.  Hopefully someone reads you post and has some more helpful ideas for you.  If things start to really get on top of you mentally, then try calling one of the crisis lines, they can really be helpful when you're struggling to see many ways forward any more.  They also may know of other services that may be helpful to you in sorting out some of your current problems.

[Rose34]

Yes, it certainly does!! Seems I am a favourite target these last 10 yrs... this is just the latest in a long string of... stuff... every time I finally feel like I've picked myself up, I get knocked down again.

I've also had several physical heath diagnoses in the last several years, all of them some medical mystery to the dr.'s with no 'real' treatment for them.  

The pressure is so much! I feel like I'm drowning, while everyone just watches.....

I have frequently gone through 'clean outs' of my friendship/acquaintances groups... there's usually a light-bulb moment, or a rock-bottom moment (like now) that causes the clean out... But I'm at the age now where making friends is almost impossible, and forget about dating... it's just too hard.  With so many clean outs, I have to wonder then if I'm the problem, if there's something innately wrong with me, or unlikeable, unlovable... Logically I know that the thing that's wrong is that I am likely attracting, or attracted to, certain kinds of people, people that I know will inevitably disappoint me, to reinforce some underlying belief I have about myself.  But logic goes out the window when you're down, and feeling sorry for yourself. A spiral I just can't pull myself out of lately... and not just from this issue... its been months, maybe even a couple years....

I'm really trying to get my thesis done, but I have to work from home because my office building on campus was closed down.  And with my housemates chaotic (frustrated) energy and the flurry of people and things being moved around and cars in and out... it's not the most conducive to focus and study.  Plus it just further reminds me that soon he'll be gone, the beautiful puppy will be gone. I'll be alone, and either homeless or spending my entire wage on keeping a roof over my head.

I've reached out to some services but unfortunately I don't fit any of the criteria.  I've applied for some affordable housing options but haven't heard back yet. My housemate said he would help, said he would make ads and try to find a replacement, said he'd pay the rent until a replacement was found... but honestly I think he was just paying lip-service... I asked him quite desperately if he could at least make the ads, he did but it was a pointless exercise because he didn't do a great job and we've had no responses. 

I just wanna sleep and pretend none of it is happening...

[Dimity]

@Rose34 big congrats on having come this far in your PhD journey. Please don't lose focus or be distracted from that last minute honing of your conclusions and revisions, although I realise it's hard given the disruption and working from home. 

Your uni and local social media bulletin boards might be your best bet for finding a new housemate quickly. 

I hear you'll be grieving for the dog, and that's understandable. In time you'll no doubt have the opportunity for a furbaby of your own. 

This chapter of your life is drawing to a close and you may have to move for new post-doc or employment opportunities but I guess your housemate has forced your hand. Try to get by over the next few months. As I suggested earlier another student may be your best bet as a short-term housemate but at this stage in the academic year most will be already settled.

Above all please relish your achievements and hopefully the energy and positive feelings of reaching this milestone will buoy you up and help carry you through this difficult and untimely interruption. 

I dropped out from my own studies at a late stage and have lived with that regret failure and disappointment... I wish you the very best.

[MJG017]

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@Rose34 wrote:

it's just too hard.  With so many clean outs, I have to wonder then if I'm the problem, if there's something innately wrong with me, or unlikeable, unlovable...

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@Rose34   I've lost times of the amount of times I've asked myself this throughout my life.  It just feels like with every the friendship and even family relationship i've had going a similar way... there's one common denominator.... me!  I still don't know what it is, but I do know I've always kept a certain 'safe' distance with people and I assume people see that as a 'keep your distance' warning sign.  Obviously, I was very shy and quiet as a kid, but I saw the way kids treated other kids and thought i'm not like that!  I'm nice to people, friendly if people get to know me, and like to be funny.  I figured it was only a matter of time before people, even just some people, saw that and I would be fine.  Some did over the years, but there was always that distance that never allowed any close connection with anyone.  Without that people often seem to just disappear over the years.  I still can't really say what people want from me in order to from any kind of strong relationship with them.  My partner is the only person who has even seen that 'something' in me not no one else has.

I think it's always hard to maintain logic when we're thinking about ourselves.  I know i think far more about what people think of me than what they do.  Especially early on, every time I saw some random person out in public, I wondered what they were thinking of me.  Logically I know the answer was they probably barely noticed me, but the mind just likes to reinforce ideas we've accepted over long periods.  Especially those self doubts and criticisms.

Is there anywhere quite you can go to work on your thesis?  It definitely sounds like home is too chaotic and full of distractions to get much done efficiently.  And that does seem like a priority to complete as quickly as possible so that you can move on to the housing situation before, as you say you become homeless and/or out of money.    A library, or even a quite corner in a coffee shop or something.  Just somewhere quiet you can sit and focus on completing your work.

From the sounds of it, i'm not sure i'd rely too much on help from your roommate either.  If you could get some extra rent out of him, that might go a long way to buying that extra bit of time you may need to sort things out.  I'm going to assume that extra rent money will be o case of "it's in the mail... trust me". But try to hold him to that promise .. you never know I guess.  I would assume in the current housing climate in most of Australia, finding a housemate shouldn't take too long, but i'm just assuming.  Hopefully you hear back with some good news about the affordable housing application soon.  Are there any students on the campus looking for accommodation that someone there could look into for you?

I really hope you can get some wins here soon and start to be able to get some relief from the stress, even if it's just a slight reduction.  It sounds like it has been building for a while now and understandably (and obviously), none of this is helping your mental health.  Never mind you physical health.  Good luck Rose34, surely you have some good fortune owed to you coming very soon.  Keep us updated on how your going.

[Rose34]

@Dimity honestly it's hard to stay focussed or celebrate any kind or success when it feels like my whole world is crashing down around me. 

He took her. Took her right out of my arms, didn't even look me in the eye, or tell me to say goodbye. Just took her and her bed and her toys.... just took her and left!!! I was sposed to have 9 more days with her. Now I'm all alone. I have nothing and no-one. 

Between that and the prospect of financial ruin and homelessness.... Bit hard to do anything let alone finish a thesis.

[Dimity]

Oh hugs @Rose34 it sounds very distressing. You must love the pup very much. The crisis in your rental situation also sounds very difficult. 

What supports do you have ? If you're not already seeing a psychologist or counsellor can I suggest getting in touch with your university's counselling service tomorrow to tee up some support. They might also be able to advise on and expedite an extension or special consideration on compassionate grounds if you feel your mental health is in jeopardy. For that you'll probably also need to see a gp. I trust you have sympathetic and respectful supervisors who can also support you.

Please look after yourself.  I'm glad you've trusted the SANE forums community with your story, and I hope we can help see you through.

[Rose34]

@Dimity when it rains it pours... feels like I've been in a thunderstorm for years now...

I have no supports, just me, myself, and I.  I've tried counselling many times. They just want me to talk for 45 minds and then give them money as though they accomplished something... i stopped bothering, it's why I first tried Sane in the first place, they claimed to be different. And they were, till it was over...

The uni won't grant me any more extensions, I've used up all my  extensions... so this is it, it's "do or ...."

[optimisticc]

Hi @Rose34 

It sounds like you have been struggling for some time, and that you are feeling really hopeless and isolated at the moment. I've just sent you an email checking in and with some info on supports available to you. 

Thank you for reaching out here, and I encourage you to continue engaging on the forums along your journey

Take care 🙂 

[Rose34]

@MJG017 I'm glad you found someone who sees something in you.  I gave up that search a.long time ago... at least in terms of a partner. And for friends I hide the parts of me that people seem to find most "offensive" and try to fit in with whichever group Im around. But even that isn't enough to keep them around. No one like the "real" me and no one likes the me they think they want, so where does that leave me?!

Im going to a library to work on my thesis today, because he's coming back to thw house to get more stuff... and after the way he very unceremoniously tore that beautiful pup out of my arms yesterday, I just can't be around him right now.  I'd hoped we could maintain a decent relationship and that maybe I could see her from time to time, dog sit maybe. But now...

So I'm getting out of their way, but given my.state of mind, I'm notmsure how much productive work I'll get done...