I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx. I appreciate that.

Yeah I’m at work for the next 2 nights. I could have gotten a drs certificate but I have no sick leave.

Will you be around next Monday and Tuesday or will you be off? Or on on the weekend? 

[Jynx]

I think the next time we're both around is the 23rd @Captain24 then I'm off 24th to the 1st 🥺

So chat to you then I suppose!! You can still tag me of course even if I'm not online!! Always nice to log on to a bundle of stories and messages 🥰

Now I really gots to dash - oodles of toodles!! 😋

[Captain24]

See you on the 23rd @Jynx. 

I wish you were still around. I’m in bed and when I close my eyes I see and hear the old guy. I want to know how he is. But I don’t know him well enough to find out. We just say hi in the street. Mum and dad talk to him though. But they don’t know I was there and what happens in the ED stays in the ED. 

I guess I just have to watch the funeral notices. Hopefully I don’t see one for him. That sounds morbid but I keep an eye on them anyway. Small town stuff! 

Im listening to my thunder storm music and it’s not taking it out of my head. 

It’s just there. I’ve journaled it to try and out it out of my mind but it hasn’t.

I hope my meds kick in soon. I need them too. I need an out. I need to forget about today. 

I have to go to work tomorrow and face everyone knowing that I got taken off in an ambulance. There is going to be so many questions. I hate having attention but them asking me will bring up all the stuff that I didn’t want to see and hear today. 

It’s all too much right now. I’m not strong enough to deal with it all and move past it. I’m not strong enough for much. I’m not strong enough for myself. 

[Captain24]

I’ve done a lot of my Christmas shopping. I just need meat and fresh veggies. I also have to go and buy mum some shoes and I don’t know what to get dad. 

Im really tired today. Even my meds couldn’t ease the pain from yesterday. I could still see him and hear him. It’s just in a loop in my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I need to talk to my CM but she doesn't have me as a patient anymore. I don’t see my psych until next week. 

Im just wondering if he made it. I don’t think he did but knowing would help ease my mind some. 

I need some sleep. I get to go back to bed at 12 to sleep for nightshift. My heart does feel so much better today. No indigestion. I guess there is something that is going right. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 good on you for being so on top on Christmas shopping! Sounds like you've been really productive.

It sounds like yesterday was really rattling, which is completely understandable. The uncertainty would make it particularly difficult - humans naturally want answers and don't sit well with uncertainty. 

I'm glad that you're feeling physically better today. It's always uncomfortable going back to work after something like this, I hope that everyone's lowkey about it and you're able to slip back into things without too much of a fuss. 

[Captain24]

Hopefully I can finish it all on Friday and only need to go Tuesday morning for the stuff that needs to be fresh. @Ru-bee.

One of the things that has stuck with me the most is how he did it. That in itself is really traumatising. How do I manage to unhear what I heard? 

I have had chest pain and indigestion since Sunday so it’s nice to not have those right now. It’s a relief as I was thinking heart attack myself. I couldn’t care if it was. Actually I think I’d be happy. 

[Ru-bee]

I don't know that you can unhear it @Captain24 but perhaps there are some things that you can try when the memory is filling your thoughts - like trying to ground yourself by focusing on your 5 senses, or trying to do something physical to take yourself out of your thoughts. 

I know you need to rest before your shift, so I'll let you get some sleep and catch up with you later on

[Jynx]

If I catch you before work I'm sending you some love and some very squishy hugs @Captain24 💜

[Captain24]

Thanks @Ru-bee. I finally went to sleep. It took a little while but I got some. 

Hey @Jynx 

Thanks for the love. I’m just getting dressed and I’ll head off. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 You're welcome!!

Hooray for sleepies!! Hope work is...if not kind, at least minimally stressful, for you tonight 🤞💜