I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Oh it really feels like it @Jynx. I don’t see any good. Plus the indigestion is back. I hate my life. Do you know how deeply I wish I wasn’t here. 

All I remember is the feelings of flight/fight and in the window. Mostly it’s self care to bring myself back in. But I’m past the self care space. 

There is no way he would survive in our hospital. It wasn’t the regular means. They weren’t sure he would make it if they got him out. 

I guess I’ll know in a few days. 

[Jynx]

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@Captain24 wrote:

Mostly it’s self care to bring myself back in. But I’m past the self care space. 

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I do know this feeling, where it seems like things like mindfulness or affirmations or grounding or whatever are gonna be like tossing a thimble of water on a wildfire. I promise you though, that even if it doesn't change how you're feeling RIGHT NOW it doesn't mean it's not helping. It might just be on an unconscious level, or even a cellular level (giving your body a rest so it can redirect resources to other things). There's always space for self-care.

Else, you might wanna think about getting onto LL or SCBS chat - I mean, you've had a doozy of a day, AND you've been exposed to a source of angst that is ongoing - it's someone you know going through something you can relate to, that's BOUND to bring up heaps of feelings. It's always better to reach out sooner and stop the spiral in its tracks, than reach out later when you're already at the bottom and need someone to pull you out. 

[Captain24]

Watching tv is one of the things on my safety plan so I guess I’m doing something @Jynx. Lots of tears were shed watching it. I recommend it highly! Like @Bow said it is really good.

I hate reaching out. It scares me too much and I don’t want to go back there again today. I can’t unpack what happened today on them as it’s not me. It’s just what I heard. He is in his 60’s. 

He got there just before me I think. As they were just asking him what happened and if he was depressed. That’s when he said he had a fight with his wife. They asked him if he would do it again and he said definitely not. I heard them telling him how bad it was and what his prognosis was. I heard it all while I was lying on the ambo bed waiting to be triaged. What he did was really bad. It’s nothing that I have thought of before. But now it’s embedded in my brain. I can’t unhear it. 

Sorry.. so much for not being vocal. 

[Bow]

I’m really sorry you were exposed to that conversation @Captain24  that is the thing that I really hate about being in hospital. You have so very little privacy. Even on wards, they walk around and do all their handovers with no respect to the patient and who might be listening. You often go to hospital to be safe and cared for, but in the process you are traumatized by what you might hear and see. 

[Captain24]

Totally traumatised @Bow. I also know the guy that was in the bed next to me! I’m hoping he didn’t recognise me as I didn’t tell mum and dad that I was there and I don’t want him to say anything to them. Small country towns! They didn’t close the curtain on my bed so I was watching everyone coming and going from the old guys curtain. 

Are you all ready for your trip? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yay!! I will definitely check it out!

Doesn't matter that it's not you, it has still affected you!! I say that is absolutely a reason to need to unpack it! Of course, you know your needs best, I'm just sayin that not needing some support because it's 'not you' is really invalidating to your feelings of compassion and empathy for this person. Plus, vicarious trauma is a thing! Another really good reason not to keep it pent up. 

No sorry needed, it sounds like it had to come out. Honestly sounds absolutely terrifying, and the 'can't get it out of brain' thing can be sooo scary too. Definitely one to chat with your psych/supports about I reckon. 

I will be heading off soonish. How you going watching your show, is it keeping you distracted enough? If not, what else can you try? Just prompting you to have a think about your movements until bed, and what you can do to keep yourself safe 💜

[Bow]

Yeah hospitals are icky places eh @Captain24 

how will you get your car?

yeah pretty much ready. Bedroom floor is a mess, last minute things to back, backpack to pack and meds and stuff. 

im so glad it has cooled down here. Really hot one here today and a nice cool change came through a while ago and now it’s raining! 

[Captain24]

The show has finished. @Jynx. I just started watching another and the start was traumatising too. I can’t escape today. 

Im going to attempt to take my meds, if I can do it I’ll then just go to bed. I’ll journal my day and I see my psych next week. 

Any plans for knock off?

[Captain24]

It got dropped off to me tonight @Bow. One of the office girls and her husband work on crew so the bought it home for me. 

Being put in an ambulance again was traumatising enough!! I run from ambulances..

it’s still 29 degrees here but a cool change tomorrow. 

Im glad it has cooled down for you. Aaargh the last minute stuff. I hope you get it all sorted. I hope you and tha fam enjoy every minute of it. 

[Jynx]

Aww dang @Captain24 

My partner was watching a show recently, on Crunchyroll (if you have it/are into anime) - it was just called the Ramen Cat Cafe I think? Anyway, they like it because it's all wholesomeness all the time, just cats that make noodles!! If you're looking for something light and sweet, that's what I'd recommend 😊

Hope you can get off to sleep oh so swiftly my dear. 

Ugh... I got a MOUNTAIN of dishes to do 😒 Maybe I'll watch Buffy whilst I do haha. 

You're at work tomorrow night right? If I don't see you, I'll catch you next time. (You may not believe me when I say) Lovely chatting to ya tonight hun! (but it's true!)

May this storm pass you by soon 🤞💜