Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tessie]

Hi guys

As you can see from the subject line, my husband has some serious mental health issues.  When we met it was intense and we were basically inseparable.  We moved in together after five weeks and were full speed ahead.  We moved numerous times and finally found where we want to live (interstate) and have settled down in that respect.  

I knew from the beginning that he had ADHD.  I work within the mental health industry and could spot it easily.  In terms of the Bipolar, I suspected it but we had a bit of difficulty with the moving around and limited funds to find a good psychiatrist who diagnosed it.  He has a good relationship with her and does telehealth consultations.  

It is five or so years down the track now.  I have tirelessly worked to make life easier for him.  He has had to change jobs numerous times due to personality conflicts and moving.  I have had to continue to hold the fort financially the whole time, as I work from home and for myself.  I feel like I haven't had a break since I met him and when we met I was going through an acrimonious divorce (my first husband who I had been with for 11 years had been cheating on me).  

So I met this highly intelligent, loyal, protective and hard working man and we fell instantly and completely in love.  I felt that I could help him get the help he deserves (and should have gotten a long time ago) and I have now found him that support; a great psychiatrist, clinical psychologist and GP - all of whom he respects and feels comfortable with which is no easy feat!  He has tried a wide range of medications and finally has the right balance.  

We had a daughter a couple of years ago and we both work very, very hard.  There is a lot of stress for both of us.

I feel like perhaps I expect too much of him and of myself.  I am determined to keep the house clean and keep all the affairs in order.  I do all the organisation of everything including the finances etc.  I work tirelessly, it seems like every break that we have had turns into him getting into a rage at some point and the holiday turns out to be more stressful than being at home.

I feel I deserve greater respect.  Often he will not even talk to me with his eyes open.  I know he is exhausted but I want to be seen.  I feel like I have done so much, and put up with so much, that I deserve a lot more respect.  The thing is he does try so hard.  He quit smoking cigarettes, marijuana and significantly reduced his alcohol intake.  He attends professionals and makes it clear that he lives for me and our daughter.  I know when it comes down to it if I am happy then he is happy, but I am not. 

I am sick of the random rages and the lack of empathy at times.  I don't want our daughter to be a witness to it. I am sick of him contradicting himself all the time.  I hate him not being balanced and not to know what to expect.  I want to trust him 100%

I also feel horrible as I know he tries so hard to make it work and is doing everything in his power.  I love him and feel he is my soulmate but he has put me through hell and back.  Not only that but he totally lost his libido years ago so I feel I have been ripped off because of that.  I hold a lot of resentment towards him that comes up in arguments, and vice versa.

As I understand Bipolar and ADHD and their symptoms, management and treatments well, I can now see clearly that these two disorders are very well managed on a psychiatric level.  I feel that he has a Borderline Personality Disorder and have had a bit of a look online and he pretty much ticks all the boxes.  I am well aware that a lot of the symptoms coincide with Bipolar and ADHD but there is definitely something else there.  His psychiatrist has said that he has it in the past but it has never really been touched upon more than that.  His psychologist has told me that he has some narcissistic features, which even he would agree with.  

We fight all the time.  I feel I work so hard and run the household and am primarily responsible for our daughter and that he should be rolling out the red carpet for me.  He definitely has his moments and can see things clearly and wil be ultra thankful.  He writes me poems and I know how hard he tries.  

I am thinking that despite how I feel I need to change my approach to him in order to make things more harmonious.  I am constantly arguing with him, trying to reason with him and getting head f*cked at his points of view that don't make any logical sense.  I feel that if I don't defend myself then I am a pushover.  I feel that after everything I have done for him, sacrified for him and continue to do for him then to not be able to have someone to lean on my tough times, someone that I can trust with my heart and someone who can support me, that I may just get to the point where I cannot handle it anymore.  

He also threatens suicide if I ask him to go (if he has hurt me really deeply by something he has said).  I used to get really upset by this but now it evokes barely a reaction in me.  

I know he is doing all he can but maybe I am not doing all I can when it comes to his Personality Disorder.  I cannot help pointing out when he is being insensitive, lacking in empathy etc and when he goes into a rage I will often meet his anger eventually; I can be calm for a while but then I will just lose it as well. 

I do apologise for the massive post.  All in all, I would love any suggestions that would help in my situation.  We live interstate from family and old friends, plus also working full time wih a little bub sometimes it can all get a little overwhelming.  The thing is we have a really strong mutual love and also want to be  strong family unit for our daughter but we just cannot seem to stop fighting and I think I am going to have to take some responsibility and a different approach to help matters as at this point of time I think he cannot work on anything apart from doing some EMDR on his rage.  

With warm regards 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Tessie

While I don't have any practical advice I can offer you, I just wanted to say a quick welcome to the forums.  I hope it has helped you to find us, and know there is a caring community here, many of whom share similar life circumstances, or who have familiarity with your husband's conditions.

It can be a bit of a release to simply share what you are going through as well.  It helps you to understand that you are not alone.

It is certainly no small endeavour, being a carer, but one thing I do know is that it is imperative to be looking after yourself as well, which means taking time out, and having your own circle of support around you.  In what you have written I am not hearing much of that.  As carers we can reach compassion fatigue and burnout, particularly with the primary responsibility of caring for an infant in the equation too.

Take care

🌷 F&H

[Zahlia]

Hi @Tessie !

Firstly, I would also like to give you a warm welcome to the forums, and I hope you find some comfort in the forums 🙂

Thank you for being so open and sharing your story about your husband. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot emotionally over the years, and you still seem to have so much strength which is wonderful! 

Have you tried family counselling or couples therapy? It could be a good way to communicate how you are feeling about the relationship and how it is affecting you, because it sounds like he doesn't really get that you are affected?   

Even just some general support for yourself, like your own therapist, might make thigns a bit easier on you. Do you have anyone else in your life that you are close to and can lean on in those times where you struggle? Echoing what Faith-and-Hope said, some people in your situation feel guilty for wanting more (respect, caring, intamacy etc) and it can lead to burnout and compassion fatigue, so it is important to look after yourself as well. 

There's a few people on here that you might want to connect with as they are in similar situations.
@Megan has a great post here about her bipolar husband, @CLA also is struggling with her husband being bipolar and living away from family and friends, you can read her post here. There is also a great post by @Tiggeroo here about their partner and how they worked on their communication skills. 

Lastly, if you like there is a great thread on Borderline Personality tips for family and friends here

Looking forward to hearing more from you @Tessie

Zahlia 

[Tessie]

Hi there

I just wanted to say thank you so much - it does help to know others are going through similar situations and that I am not alone.  I really appreciate you taking the time out to write to me. 

I also agree regarding the burnout and lack of support and am now looking to address these issues. 

My husband also read your post back to me.  He understands and I know that he hates the fact that he is the "problem" in my life and wishes I didn't have to put up with anything from him which is distressing to me.  It is all a work in progress!

Kindest regards

[Tessie]

Wow Zahlia - thanks so much for all those links and info.  

Yes, we have done some counselling together and both individually.  I think there are so many issues going on that it is hard to do the typical marriage counselling but I think as he continues to work on himself he will get to the point where he realises what he is doing - he gets some moments of shocking clarity but then in the whirlwind of life it falls by the wayside and he goes back to his usual habits.  Anger is like a security blanket for him and he feels vulnerable without it.  

I am going to have a look at those links now - thank you so much for taking the time for me.  It feels really good to know that people care.  

Being in a new town I do have a couple of friends but I don't really want to complicate relatively new friendships with heavy stuff.  I do have my best friend who is actually in a similar situation but she is a long way away and my husband's mum is loving and caring and would always help, but again, I just feel like I need some sort of other outlet, which is why I came here for a start.

Thanks again

[Ceebubbles]

Hi, marriage is tough at best of times. Especially working through our own expectations versus the reality we may find ourselves with.
I found the course on circle of security really helpful for working out my own triggers and being able to see a little bit more into why things werent working. I really feel your pain and i appreciate no two situations are the same i find myself in a similar situation. However for me i have had to realise that none of my efforts have helped him at all (in 10years). I have worked hard with my kids to get them to a better place and fought against family and friends to get them the help they needed. Have two with autism and third going through process at the moment. Fourth is still atoddler. It is a constant struggle feeling guilt over being a wife who has left her husband in need and explaining that to kids. And being practicle that he was never going to accept himself completely until he stands on his own two feet. I realised i parent differently to get the kids to learn from everyday happenings to engage them. But i constantly still find myself becoming a submissive wife role when his around. Not his fault he is not violent or mean, mostly it is the thoughts we both had on what a wifes job role was. Through teaching my kids about life and relationships i am in battle internally to change the wife i have become. However after a while realising he did not-does not think of it as a bad thing evenif it is killing me emotionally and he can not support me when i needed it the most. I needed to distance myself.
There never is a black and white answer unfortunately to these situations. And yes my solution has been completely outlier and against all my better instincts. For the most part though when he does see the kids he is actually talking to them and i may still have to supervise but he played dolls with our toddler on weekend, never ever done that for other kids.
Sorry not meaning to seem to be asking for pity, lifes to short for that. Only that hopefully sharing may help with a different perspective.

[Tessie]

Hi Ceebubbles

Thank you so much for responding - I really appreciate that you have taken the time to write to me. 

It sounds like you are under an immense amount of stress and juggling more than what I could ever imagine.  My hubby is going to be lucky to get one more child out of me!  I cannot even fathom the everyday challenges with four children, especially being on the spectrum. 

What I have found helps me is that through this experience I have discovered how strong and resilient I am, and that I can do many things that I never had an interest in and never thought I would ever attempt (eg handyman things etc).  I also have realised that I can manage by myself if I need to - not that that is what I want out of this marriage. 

I think it is always a work in progress.  I am not sure why my husband constantly has his defensives up but I can say that he is wonderful with our daughter and is trying so hard to give me what I deserve.  I am so sick of constantly getting my heart broken.  I feel like each time I am vulnerable to him he takes the opportunity to attack me verbally.  Even he cannot fathom why he does this and is always so upset when this happens.  I don't know if it is a good thing but we are aruging more frequently yet they seem a bit more balanced and last for a lot less amount of time, with less raised voices. 

I will look into Circle of Security; thanks for the tip.  I actually thought rather than getting angry I should be trying to show more compassion and let him feel like he is being heard as well.  For him he is always the one who is always in the wrong and is the "problem".  Last night I grabbed a piece of paper and we had a discussion about what I do that makes him upset and came up with some solutions to overcome these issues.  I am hoping that will help a lot.  It is my turn next so that should be interesting!  I tell him all the time though what he is doing "wrong" but I think in a calm setting where we are having a mature discussion might be more benefical.  It might also allow us to come up with some solutions to the problems together.

I am in awe of you.  I think that you are amazing having kids with special needs and a husband who cannot supply you with what you need in the marriage.  You sound like an exceptional mum and it sounds to me like you have really adapted the best way you can to the circumstances that you did not foresee. 

I agree, for me it is the lack emotional support that really is the dagger through the heart.  Also, the not realising that this is what is needed.  Big sighs!  All we can all do is keep positive and focus on the accomplishments made.  Your husband playing with your toddler on the weekend is something you should hold close and tell him how much it meant to you and how happy your baby was.  I understand what you are saying about distancing yourself on an emotional level to protect yourself but I think there is maybe also a fine balance between that but also being encouraging and supportive (even if you don't get it back) because with any luck they will come out of the fog and realise what they have been doing.  Like my husband, I bet yours has poor self-esteem and feels really bad about himself.  Perhaps trying giving him compliments without expecting anything over a few days here and there and see if it changes his attitude or behaviour at all. 

You probably have tried these sorts of things, but just thought I would give you a couple of tips as well that hopefully can be of help 🙂

[Ceebubbles]

Thank you, it is true we find new limits to our own strengths and abilities. I agree marriage counselling has never worked for us. He just shuts down and can take weeks to be brought back out of himself. In the last couple years our bigger conversations have been over email. Since it gives him time to reflect and a few days to reply. We recently tried a psychologist to have joint counselling. Maybe that may help instead of relationship counselling as it was a bit more tailored to understanding his non participation as part of him rather than rude or horrid behaviour. For us it meant he is finally getting behaviour therapy he needs, without pressure from his family. I cant say what the future holds but he seems to be doing well living with us only on the weekends, and i guess he now has time to separate work from home stress and time to get his own thoughts together without anyone needing social things from him.

I am really struggling without any real help but to be honest its also a bit liberating as for 10 years i did all house and gardens, worked and parented on my own while making him look good to the world and i just got enough of the fake. Just watch you dont get into that trap it was and still is what my and his family expected of me. Was in hospital last year and guess saw who my real supports were.

But yes enjoying small moments of happy with my kids reminds me that life can be as fun as we make it and i really do enjoy the beautiful people they are becoming inside and out. Hehe am a bit biased.

[Tessie]

Oooh I sooo see where you are coming from Ceebubbles about pretending that everything is right.  I did that in my first marriage and it was such a shock to everyone when it came to an abrupt end.  I used to try and protect my current husband but I don't do that anymore - I don't have the energy for it and I am not prepared to be dishonest.  To some friends I just will have a whinge without getting into specifics but both of our families know a lot (if not all) of the nitty gritty as I am not going to fall into the hole of pretending everything is perfect any more. 

And yes, I know, we are all biased about our kids - you should meet mine - she is amazing!! hahahah

I have joined the Hot Chocolate Anyone? post and have just seen that you have written on there so I look forward to more chats 🙂

Anyway, had better go for the moment as flat out at work and on a bit of a deadline but will see you on the other forum soon I hope 🙂