Horrendous anxiety flare up

[chookmojo]

You certainly may, let this be my legacy to all mankind 😀

I'm certainly on the nerd spectrum too.

I know that labels can be limiting, and putting people (even yourself) into boxes can be a big problem, but for myself I have always loved labels and boxes (literally as well as figuratively). I have found them fascinating as never did 'fit in' and always quite desperately wanted to, so I have tried on a lot of different ones with varying degrees of success (think Maru).

Nowadays if you put me in a box I will be delighted, I'll rummage through it and see if I can find anything useful, then pretend it is a pirate ship, used in a voyage to capture other boxes of loot.

[chookmojo]

Haha! That's OK, the crankiness has passed for tonight, so I can take it as it is intended 😉 And thank you!

Right now I am sipping Sleepytime Vanilla herbal tea, and have had a couple of herbal sleep ezy capsules to help gear down for the night. I was up at 4.30am this morning so I think I will sleep tonight.

[Appleblossom]

Hah! Maru. My first girl's kinder teacher loved "My cat likes to hide in boxes" gee thats going back to 1989 for me.

Good night. I like sleepy vanilla herbal but not in any routine.  Maybe my new car free life will force new routines on me.

[Shimmer]

Hi @chookmojo!

I've just been catching up on your updates and am AMAZED and so happy to hear how well you've been going! 😄 😄 😄

Some of the highlights for me were your "excitement about the future" (that one was contagious!), having too many achievements to make an achievements list, and that you are doing better than you have been in years, and still steadily improving!!

Not to say that there are no challenges, but I can just feel the awareness, curiosity and strength with which you are approaching things now, it is so inspiring!

I'm really glad you feel like you are on the same page with your psychologist now - you're right, initial sessions often involve both people getting a sense of where the other is at - good on you for pushing through the slightly disappointing first session to get to the good stuff!

Glad to hear that you're continuing to find the medication helpful! Hopefully the side effects of upping the dose settle down quickly (I imagine it's helpful to know what to expect now!)

You raise a really interesting point about having impossibly high expectations of yourself - I imagine it's something a lot of people can relate to. That internalised pressure and sense of never being good enough can be so damaging! I really like your plan to be kinder and more forgiving of yourself, as you would a friend - funny how we can be so compassionate to others but sometimes miss ourselves! I also like that you're developing your own positive self-talk language that you don't find too cheesy 😉 A concept that I found interesting about setting standards for yourself is conditional vs. unconditional self-worth - with conditional self-worth, if you are unable to meet your impossibly high expectations you feel bad about yourself, while with unconditional self-worth you can strive to achieve things but your self-worth doesn't depend on whether or not you reach particular goals - instead, you know you are a worthwhile person regardless. What are your thoughts on this idea?

I like your reflective approach to the pros and cons of quitting smoking. Definitely a challenging thing to do, I'm impressed! It's interesting that you've noticed that because you are bored you are doing more, trying things out, and getting back into hobbies. I remember you saying in your first post about wanting to get a little bit more out of life, and it seems to me like this might be an opportunity to do exactly that, given that you're no longer losing chunks of your weekend and are feeling more energised. I'm sorry to hear that the transition has been affecting your sleep though! Finding a replacement ritual to help you wind down is a great plan! Have you had any ideas about what that might include?

I LOVE your idea of getting back into colouring! I've been getting into it too recently, check out my most recent finished product! Oh, actually, mindful colouring is thought to be a really good way to slow down before sleep, maybe that's something to trial while figuring out your new wind down routine? Bust out those Derwents!!

Keep updating us, it's wonderful to hear how fabulously things are going for you!

Shimmer 🙂

[chookmojo]

Thanks @Shimmer, for reading and for being happy for me. I am continuing to travel well, so well that I am tempted to stop posting under this thread, it doesn't seem to fit in the "Something's not right" category anymore.

Thanks for sharing your colouring! I finally put pencil to paper last night, it took so much more courage than I thought. I have had a massive artists block for the last several years where I just freeze up, and I hoped that colouring would be less pressure and help me get back into creating. I can see that it will, but it surprised me how hard it was still to even start. I had to start with the least beautiful thing to colour, in the least beautiful book to get past the fear of spoiling it. But once I got going it was very enjoyable and absorbing and I can see it is going to be very good for me.

I am coping way better this week without the weed. I think most of my crankiness was actually nicotine withdrawal and the need for a new routine and ritual. I still don't have a ritual, but my new routine is settling in well, generally involving pottering in the garden spending more time with the cats and reading. And now colouring.

As you say I finding myself with a lot more mental space and physical energy and feeling quite a drive to get back into my art, not to mention making leaps and bounds in yard work and the garden. Part of this is springtime going me up, a good part is thanks to the meds freeing up my brain, but it absolutely also due to not being so numbed out. It is frustrating to have to realise that something I thought I needed to cope, that I thought was helpful was actually something standing in the way of me getting the most out of life. But rather than dwell on time wasted I am focussing on what's to come and what's here and now. 

New dose of meds seems to be going well, side effects wore off much faster this time.

The self worth thing is interesting. Like so many on these forums I just do not have a sense of inherent self worth. It's something I continue to work on. Working on my self talk hasn't been too hard, 

I 

[PeppiPatty]

cant believe almost missed out on these posts. Im also everything ...readers, artists, colouring everything block. 

But i dont smoke weed or anything. My husband treats smoking like his religious daimon of the century....,we are having a break for a few days.....

@chookmojo  llike like reading your journey, thanks for sharing ! 

[Appleblossom]

Glad you are feeling better and motivated.

It is sad how high standards can paralyse us from even starting, but you found a way to start and that is what counts.

[chookmojo]

Hmmm lost the last part of my post... There was more, but I don't remember it now...

[chookmojo]

Starting is always the hardest part for me, breaking the inertia. Once I start though I can ride the momentum pretty well, at least till I get derailed by something.

[chookmojo]

My blocks, in a number of areas, all stem from the same issue - avoidance of intimacy, while it has been a life long theme it has been limiting me a lot in recent years. It's my next project to work on what that's about.

Do you have an idea of what is behind your blocks?