Hopeless - How to communicate with an emotionally unavailable wife?

[Tayla3]

Hi,

Not sure how this works but here goes...

I'm feeling really lonely. My wife has completely shut off from me. I am the only one who initiates contact via text and or phone calls when I work away. If I do any of these or if I don't it doesn't matter because I always say something wrong and I'm always in trouble. I'm being punished for something I said or did years ago. It's exhausting.

I work in a really mentally draining job and there is no place I can recharge. I'm burning.

Does anyone else have anything similar going on?

[tyme]

Hi @Tayla3 ,

Welcome to the forums. I'm sure there will be members who can offer some insight into what may be happening for you. 

Hopefully you will feel less alone in this.

I hear you are tired, warn and burnout. It sounds so difficult when one side is investing in the relationship while the other side isn't.

Sounds like you travel for work a fair bit. When you are not travelling, do you get so speak much?

tyme

[Tayla3]

Thanks for your response @tyme 

No not really. When I'm home headphones are on. It's isolating and brings up childhood abandonment issues for me. I don't know how to make it better. It's exhausting.

[hanami]

Hi there @Tayla3 

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage to reach out to support when things aren't going so well. I'm sorry you're going through this with your wife, it must be awful. 

I know it will be hard but to be honest I think you might have to straight up ask her if something is wrong. I had a strong fear of abandonment as a child as my mother gave me the silent treatment quite often. So if I was in your situation I'd feel the same horrid feeling. 

How do you feel about asking her straight up?

Sending strength

Hanami 💮

[Tayla3]

Thanks for the reply @hanami 

I have fear around asking straight up. I'm so tired of being the only one to initiate conversation after something has happened. My partner is stubborn and fixated on something I have done wrong. I don't know what it is this time but I will be treated in a way to provoke me to feel pain. 

We walked passed each other this morning when I went inside and nothing was said. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I just made a coffee and walked out of the house. I know I'm not helping the situation by not approaching her. It's hard approaching when I know it will be a negative response where I have done something wrong. 

I've asked to speak face to face via text.........I don't know if there will be a response. 

[hanami]

Oh that sounds truly awful. It actually reminds me a lot of my mum and dad. I can remember my mum doing this exact same thing to him when I was growing up. As I got older he would confide in me and say 'what have I done wrong this time?' I would usually reply, 'who knows!'. At least he had me to support him but I eventually moved out and got married and my poor old dad says it still happens. They are in their early 70s and my dad now will just tell her where to go if she won't tell him what's wrong! I don't recommend that but it does make me laugh that my dad has finally got the courage to stand up for himself at such late stage in life!

Well I'm so sorry I have no answers. I'm going to tag some lovely members who may have some words of wisdom. : @Zoe7 @Dallas @Aniela @Powderfinger @Gazza75 @Daisy15 @Appleblossom @Eve7 
@Smiling_Gecko @Mortiis 

Take care and I hope things work out!

Hanami

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tayla3, my heart is going out to you so much right now. Thank you sharing your story, especially one which sounds so painful for you right now. It sounds like you're feeling lonely and hurt from what's going on, and you're feeling stuck at what to do. 

I think it's so great you've asked to speak face-to-face. How are you feeling about that? I know in a relationship of mine a few years ago, I had a very similar fear. I found that preparing beforehand really helped me to feel more confident in what I was saying. I would do some mindfulness to calm myself beforehand, and write a dot-point list of what I wanted to say. 

And I can hear the pain in what you're saying and whatever feelings you're having, they're completely ok. But I also know that I get scared of people getting defensive when I speak to them so I try to use "I" statements. For example "I'm feeling..." or "I'd like us to make X change". 

I hope we can help with some other solutions, but it sounds like it might be useful to speak to someone. Do you feel like it could be helpful? 

• The Sane drop-in line is our phone counselling service. They're open 10am-10pm and you can call 1800 187 263

How are you feeling what's been suggested? Is there anything useful for you?

[Tayla3]

Thanks @hanami 

It's just all a bit poo. I really appreciate everyone being so lovely here. 

Huge support. I did actually end up calling the hotline and found that really helped too. 

Everyone here is awesome!

[Tayla3]

Thanks @Former-Member 

Very helpful suggestions. 

[Tayla3]

Rough morning here,

Feeling numb and tears want out.

I am preparing to go back to work on Monday, dreading it (fifo) it’s already been 4 days of no contact. About to have 2 more weeks of it. 

It’s hard not getting sucked into negative thoughts and sitting too long in horrible body feelings. 

Trying to pick myself up and keep going.