Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[InnerFish]

Hi,

I just found this forum tonight and this is my first post. I have been going out with my girlfriend since October, last year. She told me that she had had some mental health problems in the past and was taking medication. She also liked to smoke. I dont smoke or drink, and thought she was a recreational user, and she was really nice, and I was into her and we started going out.

In mid-December we moved into a flat together. But I started to see another side to her. Now we've been going together for about six months and I see that she is a chronic smoker. She smokes daily and gets quite agitated if she runs out or if her supplier is going to be away for any length of time. We are constantly borrowing money from family or taking items to the pawn shop, to try to pay our bills and at the same time have enough money so that my girlfriend can smoke everyday.

She says she needs to smoke to help her with the side-effects from the two different anti depressant medications she has been on for over 10 years. She says that the medication makes her anxious. Some days the smoking isn't enough for her and she will go to the pub and have a couple of schooners or buy a six-pack and bring them home. One time she went away for hours and come home after drinking (drove home) and we were unable, due to her being so late home, to go to a TAFE course we were booked into, for a certificate we needed for work we were trying to get. We ended up having a terrible argument and the neighbours called the police. It was absolutely dreadful.

Most days she stays inside the flat, watching movies, looking at Facebook, and smoking. I am studying, and looking for work. I feel like I have gotten myself into a situation that is beyond my ability to cope with or sort out. We live in a block of flats and it can be noisy here, with music, arguments, kids crying, etc. When our nextdoor neighbour starts playing his music we can hear the bass coming through the wall. It regularly sends my girlfriend into a rage, and she has already pounded on his door once and called him a f*wit for playing his music. It was after 10am, so I guess he felt it was ok. She likes to sleep in as much as possible. Then when she gets up she does what she can to avoid being sober, and looks forward to going back to bed as early as she can. I feel like I'm drowning being with her. I want to help, but I don't know what practical use I can be. She has been in a bad mood ever since waking up this morning, hardly speaking to me all day, and whilst I care about her, I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I have tried reaching out to her parents for support but it has quickly become apparant to me that they are happy I am with her now, as it takes the burden of looking out for her off their shoulders.

It helps just to put my situation into words on this forum. Maybe someone is aware of a support service I can turn to, or help guide my girlfriend towards.

At the moment, with both of us on welfare payments, we are dependent on each other. I have a gut feeling that once I have work and I am financially capable of paying my own way, I am going to want to part ways with my girlfriend. I don't want to "dump" her, but I didn't intend to become her carer either. Its like this situation has snuck up on me, and now I'm stuck between abandoning her, knowing that she has physical, mental and social problems and really needs support, and looking after myself.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Peace.

[Appleblossom]

You are very caring and considerate of her. 

I have had 2 relationships with men like your partner, where the family was "grateful" that I was a stabilising influence on their "loved one".  Both cases did not work out good for me.  I think you have some right to stipulate some boundaries in your own home environment (though I am not good at it).  Have you discussed your concerns with her?

Having a mental illness is not an excuse for irresponsible behaviour, that is manipulation, and a bit different from psychosis.  Encourage her to get therapy and not just rely on substances.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Innerfish

You are doing so well to hold up in your difficult circumstances.  It's tough to step out in trust and find you've landed in a horrible situation that leaves you battling to manage.  The fact that you are a caring person shines through what you have shared.

Stay strong, and keep working from a place of integrity, but remember that your health and well-being are just as important as hers are.  Guard them just as much as trying to look out for and support her, and let her know that she needs to consider you too.  If she can maintain a basic boundary with that it will be helpful.  If you can stick to a healthy daily routine it might provide some scaffolding for her to try to do the same.

All the best.

[NikNik]

Hi @InnerFish

Welcome to the forums.

It's great that you're reaching out and looking for the best way to manage the situation.

Firstly, I wanted to flag a previous Topic Tuesday we ran on supporting recovery of substance abuse and mental illness. That might give you some tips and advice on where to start.

It's really hard when the people we care for are not wanting to seek help. You didn't specifcally say in your post that she isn't open to seeking further help, but would I be right in assuming that is the case?

When you express your concerns with her about what she does, how does she take it? You mentioned a fight that took place after she had a big night out - does she usually take your concerns this way?

Again, welcome to the forums. I hope you find the responses helpful.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi InnerFish

This is a U.S. website link, but there might be something on there that helps to support you, or gives you a lead-in to helping your girlfriend towards seeking help for herself.  

http://www.helpguide.org/misc/overview.htm

Sometimes just flicking sufferers information fills a need.  Perhaps she is disconnected from, or feeling confused, by her own overwhelming feelings and can't find a way to anchor herself long enough to consider reaching out for help.  Even the thought of where to start might be huge on her mental landscape.

I hope this helps.  Stay strong.