Friendship, Isolation and paranoia

[kittycat]

Ok, so I joined a small group on facebook where we planned to go to an event together and do a group thing. We decided to meet up at another event beforehand and one of the people in the group who lives near where I live discussed catching the same train. I got really worried and paranoid because I live in a small town I was scared this new person would know people such as my emotionally manipulative ex who cheated on me and turned my friends against me or the friends that turned against me. Long story short I am terrified of my ex and the things that they did but I'm just being paranoid right? The person going to the event on the same train then messages saying they were going to the event anyway with some friends and hey I might know her friends then reveals those friends are that ex and co.  I am devastated, my paranoia was right I can't escape, I message my only other friend telling her, But I don't even feel I can trust her as she is friends with people who spread rumors about me and make fun of any photos I take of myself. She calls and says she can understand my pain with the ex situation as one of her old friends tried to make friends with a girl that was mean to her I had to hang up the phone because of how hypocritic she was being, telling me this as she continues to be friends with these girls who did these things (and surprise these girls are friends with the ex). I don't know what to do I feel like the only way to escape these people who have tormented me is cut all ties and move far away or end myself. I know it's horrible to say but I'm surrounded by all these people with no friends my age to back me up. I have my family (parents and siblings) who I am so grateful for but I still feel isolated. maybe I should take pride in my aloneness and do things alone but then again it's not really safe to go to events alone. I just want some friends that don't connect back to this ex at this point they don't even have to be good friends, I don't know I'm just scared and my paranoia is all coming true.

[kylee]

Hey Kittycat,

It is really hard when things we are scared of come true but just remember you are free from your ex’s influence now. He doesn’t have the same power over you he once did.

You are probably imagining these people have greater power to hurt you then they actually do. Remember you are a survivor of mental illness, you are capable of overcoming.

Also if you find it hard to trust your friends you can protect yourself by deciding how vulnerable you make yourself to them. You can enjoy their company without opening up too much until you feel absolutely comfortable to do so. ❤️

[BryanaCamp]

hi @kittycat I'm sorry the event didn't turn out like how you expected. Did you end up going or did you go home?

I spend quite a lot of time alone but that suits me becuase I'm an introvert. I can't imagine how hard it must be to make new friends in a small town. I live in a big city so when I feel strong enough to meet new people (which isn't very often due to anxiety & depression) at least I know they won't be connected to my past. You could try Meetup, that way you can see exactly who is going to an event and if there is someone you don't want to see going, you don't have to go - there's no guessing and surprises becuase you can see it all on the app.

I went to an event by myself, a gig. It was safe, no safety issues for me, but it was just a bit lonely and boring becuase I had no-one to talk to and share the experience with.

[kittycat]

I'm just feeling a lot of emotions I'm just kind of in shutdown mode I just want to confront everyone but at the same time hiding. I'm probably not going to provide coherent answers sorry.