Feel like no one likes me. The world is against me.

[BradyBird]

Hi all,

I am new to this and not sure where to start but I will give you all a quick run down on my situation.

I am female 38 years old. Grew up living with my grand parents (dads side) from the age of 6 wks. Dad who I did love, was a violent angry drug addict/alcoholic who was around quite a lot. Never really had anything to do with mum who is also a drug addict/alcoholic and gave up all her kids to everyone else.

The very small family circle I grew up with have all recently passed away. I was very close to my Aunty (Dads sister) who I grew up with at my grand parents. My Aunty was killed in a car accident 2nd Jan 2010. She was my Aunty but she was also like my sister and my best friend. We did everything together. My world fell apart and this is where things started spiralling downwards.

2 months after my Aunty passed, on the 10th March, my dad died from drugs.

Things were very different after these deaths. My Nan also lost her mum (my great grand mother) a year or so later and from that point on she became very sick and gradually got so unwell that she passed away 2nd November 2013.

After Nan, my Pop was the only one left who I really felt that close to, but I was in a relationship with a man that my Pop didn’t like and this caused tension and stress between everyone and eventually I felt like my Pop didn’t believe in or trust me anymore. My Pop passed away in July 2015.

Since my pop passed away. I have felt even more lost and not sure where I belong in this world.

I broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) last year 2017 in February.

I have lost so many other family members due to them taking my Pops word about my boyfriend I was with and them not understanding the depressive state I was/am going through.

I have been living with my brother (who is intellectually disabled) for the past 20 years or so and over the years since everyone close has passed away, I have felt my relationship with him fall apart and I no longer feel welcome to stay with him anymore. He has told me he wants to live by himself.

I feel like the world is against me. I try every day to wake up with a smile on my face and move forward but everytime I do something bad always happens and makes me feel like I’m wasting my time trying to be happy.

I really only have 1 best friend and 1 sister who say they support me but I am so scared something will happen one day and they will leave me too.

I would love to just find someone I could talk to. Someone who genuinely understands and actually wants to be a friend and listen.

[Shaz51]

ohh @BradyBird, hello and welcome to the forum

thank you for sharing your story

Letting you know you are not alone and we are here for you my friend

what things do you enjoy doing

I was mentally abused by my dad and then mum and I left but we still lived all in the same same town which my dad kept on rejecting me until 11 years ago when he passed away

we are her for you xx

[Owlunar]

Welcome to the Forum Family @BradyBird - I am sure you will find peole who care about you here

Your feelings are very real and I think that you are in a really bad grief state right now and one loss at a time is really hard - having so any in such a short space of time is massive

You have come to the right place - there are lots of people grieving here

Since 2005 we have had 6 people in my family die - including my parents and although 5 were elderly people  one of them was my cousin who was still in his 40s so yes - I do see some of your picture and know how painful all of this is for you

Other people will add more here - people would understand different parts - I understand the grief part myself - I had sigificant loss - one of my children - over 30 years ago now so I identify with what you have written

And breaking up with your boyfriend causes grief too - and if this wasn't working that was the right thing to do but it still hurts a lot

Keep posting - people will answer

Dec

[Appleblossom]

Hello @BradyBird 

Hope you find people to relate with and a few ideas to help you on your life path.

Yeah putting on smileys can be hard. Sometimes its better to wait for life/the cosmos to give you the smile. Try and keep open for them.

Today I was pleased as punch just the way a little kids was enthusiastic about a puddle ... it was so gorgeous ... I only smiled quietly to myself  but the mum noticed and so we could laugh and smile more together.  Its the genuine little moments that make the difference.

WHat makes a difference to you might be different to me. It doesnt matter. Its just learning to be open to catch the smikles.

FOr a long time I had a wall around me and could not see anything to smile about.  I had to process a lot of heavy stuff, a little bit like you.

Thats also a huge load of grief and it sounds like things were pretty delicate even when you were young.  You are still young, but I hope you know what I mean.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot, so dont take anything personal.

Hope you make some friends here.

Gently Bently

[BradyBird]

Thank you for your comment @Shaz51 🙂

I am sorry to hear your story about your dad 😞 It's always hard losing someone, especially when you never get a chance to resolve things before they pass.

Most of all I enjoy spending time with my birds. But I also like doing other things such as drawing, reading, exploring new places, listening to music and singing 😉

Do you still have contact with your mum? xxx

[BradyBird]

@Owlunar Thank you for your reply and kind understanding words 🙂

The grieving is horrible and heart breaking even more when the rest of the family turn their backs on you and you feel you have no one you trust you can turn to. I really hope this wasn't/isn't the case for you?

[Owlunar]

Thanks for your reply @BradyBird - I appreciate the kind words

Alas - I was alone with my son's death - it was too hard for other people

So yes - I know what that is like and I am so sorry this has happened to you as well

Dec

🎆🎇🎉🎊

[BradyBird]

@Appleblossom Thank you also for your kind and understanding words 🙂

My childhood was very difficult yes. I grew up in my grand parents house but my dad was always around causing problems. I saw a lot of drug and alcohol abuse and there were times I even witnessed my dad physically assaulting his parents. Many many times we had to involve the police and have my dad arrested.

I try every day to even just smile at the small things (like the smell of the rain and the shining of the sun, the fact I am just alive) but I really struggle every day to find joy in anything anymore. 

I have no motivation to get up out of bed every day. I am constantly in tears lately and I just have no idea which direction I need to take to make things better.

I have also tried pushing myself to get out and make new friends but because I suffer anxiety and now severe depression it is really hard for me and I find the more I try and push myself, the more sick I get..

I just feel so lost 😞

[Appleblossom]

I was talking to some birds today. I embarrass my son when I do it.

I was taught at the zoo where I volunteer.

We have a few birders on the forum

 @Adge and @Former-Member and @Bubbles3 are three I can think of.  I hope they dont me tagging them to say hello.

[Appleblossom]

Hope you are doing alright @BradyBird

Sometimes we need to accept ourselves.

Pushing has a place, but not all the time.

Peace