Lived Experience Forum

[GlossyHygrocybe]

I am struggling to calm down tonight. My girlfriend is staying at her dads before we go to Europe and the sublet keeps leaving their bedroom door open when they go to the bathroom which is a huge no. My cat Junie could get into their room or out of their window or eat the toxic plant in that room. I am leaving for Europe in two weeks. What if something happens to my cat while I am gone because of this person? What if this person is a huge ditz and doesn't feel much empathy or understand how important my cat is to me. How hard is it to close your door behind you. I'm so scared of something happening to Junie and I feel rage and I can't stop thinking about this visceral rage because I am also processing the fact that I was emotionally abusive and now that I am healthier and able to communicate better and be a good partner and care for myself and take on lifes problems head on - or at least try to do these things - I am left with the realisation that when I am unwell I frighten people. I traumatise people. I was so sick when I wasn't on the right medications. It's horrible. It's absolutely awful the way I have treated people, mistrusted my girlfriend and the love of my life, controlled her, belittled her and made her feel like her feelings didn't matter to me. I was cruel and jealous and mean and I do feel afraid. I am afraid of death and dying and being a bad person and going to hell (even though I'm an atheist lol isn't that weird) and I am afraid my cat is going to die when I go to Europe because of a potential idiot.

I am so anxious I want to scream but I can't because it's late and it feels like the inside of my brain is tickling itself and I can feel my skin and my body and my brain squeaking against my skull it's horrible. I am considering taking my emergency medication but I told myself I'd go to a protest tomorrow and I don't want to sleep through it but if I feel like this it's not a safe environment for me but I feel like a coward and I am so angry in general. I am so angry. There is so much to do and I am trying so hard and I have so much energy inside of me right now so much energy. It's not mania now I know I'm not bipolar. It's something else. A combination of things. Hyperfocus and overstimulation at the same time. That's what this is. Hyperfocus and overstimulation at the same time and its awful holy moly. I'm going to squeeze my squishmallow now like a giant adult baby and pray to a god I don't believe in that this feeling subsides quickly

I sound insane 

Actually I have been doing better than I have in a while. This newfound energy is difficult to nurture and soothe. I'm truly wired. Definitely no coffee for me tomorrow. Agony and suffering at 1:30 am ! swag

[MayaBird07]

Hi @GlossyHygrocybe 

You sound like you've got a lot going on.

All I can say is breathe. Just stop for a moment take a nice big inhale and a nice big exhale. 

It seems like you have a lot to do and a lot to think about, so it's understandable your feeling like you are. 

Just stop and take a breath every now and then, tackle one thing at a time. 

I tend to catastrophise things when really stressed, so just taking a moment to yourself is forgivable and know this stress is temporary and you'll get things done in the end. 

Sounds like you've got a lot to look forward to. Good luck with everything. 🙂

[ArraDreaming]

Hi @glossyhydrocybe
I just wanted to start by asking how are you feeling now that it’s day time?

I’m similar in that I can get pretty anxious at night too, I find when it’s about practical things i try my best to just tell myself nothing can be done between 10pm and 6am, nothing at all, and nothing can occur during that time that will make it worse (I’m talking about things like conversations with people, forgetting to pay a bill, feeling embarrassed over something I said, not accidental things like my house burning to the ground). I found it helpful to write it down when I think of it in the night, the bright light from my phone was annoying so I started putting a notebook there, in the morning it’s just scribble and more often then not it makes no sense and isn’t something to be worried about, but it’s helpful to have relatively “sorted out” during the night. Last night I woke up at 3am and wondered where my birth certificate was… I have no idea where that is, if I let my anxiety win i would have got up searched every draw in the house and got myself into a spin over something I actually don’t need right now, when I woke up this morning I remembered that I wrote that down and calmly because I wasn’t in a state of anxiety I was able to ask my partner if she knew where all the birth certificates were said yes.
But I know for a fact I would have lied away last night or gotten up if I let my anxiety get its own way.

I also feel similar to you around guilt when you havent been your best self or unwell, I can absolute resonate with that especially the tickling inside the brain, bro that is so true, it’s like an itch you can’t scratch.

It sounds like we have a lot of things in common around how we have dealt with anxiety and anger in the past and the guilt that comes with that when you turn a corner, I’m in that space now, happiest I have ever been with the best family and job…. yeah had a tough week ashamed of how I have acted and treated others this week but in the grand scheme of my life and red vs green, I have more green days than ever before… but it’s so real about it eating you up inside when you do lash out, or remember the past. I feel you man, and I’m sorry you’re going through it too. Just know I can hear you… I’m sorry about your cat, I hope you get some regular updates from your flat mate when you are gone?
Heres an idea…. when you leave the cat to go away can you write down their feeding schedule and then as part of the note subtly mention about spaces the cat can go?
Something like….

here is x feeding schedule
8am - eats y, please do blah blah blah
3pm has y please do blah blah blah

also bit worried about x getting stressed while we are gone, might try and pee in your room

Or something, idk.

We just recently had a dog sitter (that we know) and we had to do similar around shutting the toilet lids because she tries to drink out of them (gross) and the toilet cleaner isn’t good for her lol
Anyway… the things you do for pets!


I’m always around, probably way too much, so we can keep talking if you want, when’s euro trip?

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @GlossyHygrocybe,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

I can relate to many of the feelings and experiences you articulated so well in your post. Some nights, I experience the same train of thought, where I worry about things until 3 in the morning.

It is exhausting, and I can empathise with you.

How are you feeling today?

I agree with the wonderful suggestions given by @ArraDreaming and @MayaBird07.

Would it be possible to have a conversation with the tenant about how you're feeling?

I hope you find some relief from the anxiety soon. 

Sitting with you ❤️

[tyme]

Hey @GlossyHygrocybe ,

I'm hearing all your struggles and anxieties at the moment. It sure sounds hard. Do you have any other options with whom you can leave your cat with?

How are you feeling today? I recognise you were awake in the wee hours of the morning....

[GlossyHygrocybe]

I have had a better day. I saw a good friend and I am taking a day of space from my girlfriend before we spend the weekend together which is good. I am going to take my PRN earlier tonight so I can get to sleep before the wee hours haha I like that phrase

I do feel better today and I am making music. 

It's all very hard when you're walking the line and finding out all the guts of what actually makes a complex person. it's not as simple as it is for some people out there , who have their own respective struggles but I think as people with complex mental health and trauma - sometimes it's hard to be around people who don't get it and who might judge. I am scared a lot of the time that I'll be 'found out' as a bad person or judged for my past actions where I hurt people physically and emotionally. I am afraid that their forgiveness and time passing won't change the reality I live in where I am deserving of severe punishment. 

I feel I am deserving of severe punishment even when these things feel outside of my control. I am not a victim but I wouldn't say I am a perpetrator. I did a painting when I was three that said 'I am a nothing' and I feel it sums everything up in one. I feel like I am a black spot on the face of the earth and everyone who comes near me, falls into me. 

[tyme]

A feeling of void and emptiness? A feeling of just nothing @GlossyHygrocybe ?

I somehow think you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I hope you get some rest tonight.