Iv got 3 appointments in a row this week- Monday, Teusday & Wednesday-
with my agoraphobia & CPTSD- I don't think I will be able to get to them all-
On Friday i sent a txt to my support worker( although technically she is not really a support worker- she just connects me with other agencies) & told her I don't think I will make our appointment on Monday because I am really struggling with my headspace and agoraphobia at the moment & asking her if I can't make it - should we do a phone appointment instead - which is what we have done the last 3 or 4 times had phone appointments - she didn't respond-
Now I don't know if She is expecting me- going to phone me- pissed off at me- I don't know what is going on which is impacting me & going to make it even harder to get there-she is in a new office which is also making it harder for me to get there.
Last time we had a phone appointment she didn't tell me I was on speaker until half way through the conversation after I had been talking for ages about very personal & private things which made me feel very unsafe & violated- so I don't feel I can talk freely now if we do have a phone appointment & how many other times has she had me on speaker that I didn't know about?😭
-Teusday I have a counsellor apt. I'm going to try to get to that because it will be beneficial for me-so think I will be ok with that one hopefully fingers crossed as OK as you can be in this situation.
Weds I have an apt at the hospital & I really really don't feel good about going there after the treatment I got last time it was pretty traumatic-not to mention the doctor I had been seeing has been rotated & apparently I have to see a new doctor- I don't think I have the strength to start all over from scratch with a new doctor- I just don't think I can do it. Especially after the other doctor kept promising to get me the support I needed , repeatedly, get a social worker for me, get me into the groups- since December last year when I started seeing him asking him for support & nothing eventuated- I got turned away & case closed & told to find support outside of hospital- which I did- wasn't helping-I was told I could not take the groups again as I had previously taken them EIGHT Years Ago- when my daughter was born & I couldn't leave the house due to agoraphobia-at that stage I couldn't even get into the mother & baby unit at the hospital to get the help I needed- so I went to these groups after slowly desensitising myself with mothers with anxiety groups, & these hospital groups were the main thing that helped me get on top of my agoraphobia & get confidence as I felt understood & accepted these groups were the thing that helped me improve-I was told the groups did not have a revolving door policy-& once you have had access to the information you don't get to come back again-this broke me after being promised a place in them for months on end, I asked for a social worker- I was told "what for?"-😭
I get re-referred he said he would definitely be pushing my case to get support this time he would make them listen & take me on- only to be rotated? Like wth ?? Surely he must have known he was up for rotation why would he make these promises to me AGAIN only to let me down again?!?
so I really don't think I can face all of that again- IF IF IF I can even get to the hospital with the agoraphobia because i find extremely difficult as I feel scared & unsafe there because of some of the people-it is a horrible environment to be in
I am scared if I call them up & say I can't go I will get in trouble which is putting more pressure on myself & I just don't know what to do about it.
I cant take much more of this- this is no way to live. I feel like I am literally a prisoner trapped in a nightmare with no way out. I am exhausted & I don't have the Strength to go through the hospital situation again if I can even physically get there.
Agorophobia & CPTSD is something I would not wish on my worst enemy . 😭
