@Owlunar
Hello, lovely to meet you 🙂
To answer your question re: seeing mental illness as ugly, has been my view of it over a long period of time. So no one told me that, rather it's my feelings totally. At one point when my illness was severe, I saw it as very ugly. I know I'm not an ugly human for having this illness from a rational perspective, but my emotions tell me otherwise pretty quickly sometimes.
I find it interesting about how you mention ourselves changing the way we view our mental health. I guess over time I've seen stigma attached or people being flippant about mental illness etc and those views really pound in my mind. I feel that a lot of people are ignorant of it or have a certain views or might even be scared of it in some sense.
I do harbour guilt for having my diagnosis and the label, yes absolutely. The only thing that eases the guilt ( and the guilt has eased more over time as I've tried to come to terms with it and acceptance), is that I've sought treatment, talk therapies, cognitive therapy and a range of lifestyle coping strategies to deal with it.
My children are well looked after, sociable and doing well at school and generally happy kids. 17 and 14, have no issues and are pretty resilient. The only thing is that they notice more things that can't be covered up like when they were little. I'm their rock and they value me and how I've raised them. I'm lucky that my illness is much more controlled but it still bothers me that they can see imperfections in my character throughout.
My eldest still believes I taught him life skills, creativity, independance and was always and still am there with a smile and warm hug. My youngest tells me all the time that I'm caring and that she can talk openly with me. That to me is everything. I just have to learn to accept I have this illness and work with it.
I watched an interview on SBS demand once of a lady that suffered dreadfully of postpartum psychosis. Even though that illness is different, I related to the lady and admired her courage for speaking out, holding her dignity. I felt everything toward her, empathy, kindness and compassion to her family unit. Not once did I think she was hopeless etc for having an illness.
I think my style is that I'll always give but I need to remember I'm worthy of receiving my own acceptance. I just haven't forgiven myself for having the illness yet.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'll see you on the forum 🙂
