Help me understand my friend

[Fabe]

Hi all,

I have got a close friend who has borderline Personality disorder. I have tried several means to try and engage with him however I feel like am doing the wrong thing. He is also reluctant to seek further medical help and sometimes I feel like not engaging with him at all but at the same time, I feel like it's the wrong thing to do. I don't really know.

Are there any healthy mechanisms to approach this situation and what would the best one be?

Thank you

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @Fabe ...

I'm not sure how to respond, so I'm going to tag @BPDSurvivor  and @tyme , who have great insight into BPD.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Fabe,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. You have found a safe space with many caring and supportive members with a wide range of lived experience.

I think it is really nice that you care so much about your friend that you are reaching out for advice from others. It speaks a lot about your character. It's a tricky situation if someone doesn't want to engage, talk, seek support etc. A close family member of mine has a serious mental health issue and at times (over the years) has wanted to be left alone and not engage. While I respected his decision because we all need time out sometimes, I would still try and keep the lines of communicate open just so he knew I was there if and when he needed someone. I would just send him a text every few days to check in and remind that I was around. I think at that stage in his journey he just needed his space (which I respected). 

I know it's not always easy to want to reach out to someone if you feel like you are getting the brushoff but sometimes when people push others away it's because they are struggling the most. From my experience it is often the time they need the most support.

I wish you and your friend all the best.

FloatingFeather

I have attached a link to more information about borderline personality disorder - hopefully it might be of some help https://www.sane.org/spotlight-on/bpd 

[outlander]

hi @Fabe and welcome

you sound like a great friend trying to help someone who is struggling.
can i ask why you think your doing the wrong thing? would you be able to give an example?

I also have BPD and i know that some days i find it really hard to engage with anyone. its not anyones fault but sometimes my brain just cant focus on anything except trying to get through the day or sometimes me emotions are so strong that the best coping mechanism is to shut down until some of those big emotions subside and i can breathe abit easier again.

It can be hard to help those who dont really want help as well. Perhaps he is unaccepting of his diagnosis or in the past hes had bad experiences when reaching out for help.

[Fabe]

Thank you @FloatingFeather for your advice. I feel like that's one of the best ways to go about with it. I'll definitely have a look at the link sent

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Fabe ,

I also have BPD. While I was recovering, I wanted space to find my feet.

As a friend, the best thing you can do is like what @FloatingFeather mentioned. That is, to keep lines of communication open. A ‘hello’ text can go such a long way.

 However, when you do engage, it’s good to set clear boundaries. eg, when going out, let them know early how much time you have. 

Also, when you make a commitment with them eg an outing, keep it. I get really really anxious and upset when people are late because I think they have ‘left me hanging’ or ‘they don’t really want to come’ or ‘they hate me’ etc.

 Have a look at Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

All the best!