A Poem? Maybe?

[Rick]

@kato 

I'm pleased your feeling leveled out dude.

Just get in here an post a little each day. Thank you for your kindness today in your response to my post.

Take care of you

Hope endures

Rick

[kato]

Thanks Rick,

Feeling more leveled out yes, i need to somehow work out how to apply a fishing weight to my moods, with a float, so that my moods don't bounce around so bloody much, it would be nice i think if i could attach a float so i can't get drawn too deep, and a weight to keep me from getting too up. lol

Ok so re-cap on events...... still feeling not the greatest, altho as a friend pointed out is is very likely psycho-somatic, so i am manifesting it in my head, i believe they are right in what they say, if i am still not feeling the goods by monday i will make an appointment to see my g.p, just to make sure

i had an appointment today with legal aid, not a whle lot they can do at this stage but have been very helpful, and given me some idea's into what is what, i will need to get medical reports from all my dr's, or even just simple letters outlining a few things, get a couple of character references done, It seems that i shouldn't recieve jail term, due to a number of factors, and the fact that i am getting on top of everything health wise is a bonus, if the magistrate on the day is in a bad mood, i still may get time ut it would be appealed, according to my lawyer?

i just had some lunch, so i am feeling ok today

thank you all for your support

i really need to work on how to handle triggering events for me, looking back when something out of my control happens, i have nothing in place to help me deal with the aftermath.... i will speak to my psychologist regarding what we can put in place to help me deal with things that are too much emotionally for me.

hope everyone is having a good day

[PeppiPatty]

dear Rick,
I so enjoy reading your messages,
jA47yr

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Kato,
Psychosomatic is okay. somatic......meaning the body......can you start feeling as well as writing the feelings you are going through ? I've never been a meditator but then.......take it one minute at a time.......like time thirty seconds just feeling how you are??

like the plan with the Psychologist.
you have it, take care,

[peace]

@kato I love your visualization of creating balance for yourself. Use it I reckon like an affirmation, it couldn't hurt.

[kato]

Hi @PeppiPatty 

I try meditation.... well sorta, i can never seem to calm my thoughts enough to do very well, i get distracted easily.... noises, thoughts, itches, muscle twitches, but i usually have a calming music session, and just concentrate on my breathing, but that only helps for the time i am doing it, it doesn't seem to change my mood afterwards.

@peace 

Yeah it is a novel visualization..... spur of the moment thought i had while writing it, as my mood had been bouyant that day, morning was erggghhh can't get out of bed, afternoon was can't sit still, evening was can't sleep, now today morning i have been agitated, now this afternoon i don't want to do anything.... but i am about to drive my folks around to my sisters for dinner, which i can't really be bothered going to, but i will anyway.

I think that my meds are either not working right, or maybe i need different ones, i mean i find myself getting frustrated more and more with my mood fluctuations, it is not normal to bounce around like i do.... well i don't think it is, i mean i don't really know any different because my moods have always been unstable, i just never have noticed because i have always had other distractions in my life, i am going to have to have a really serious conversation with my specialists next week, to try and sort this out, i don't think i have conveyed properly to them how bouncy my moods actually are.

Knowing me and everything i have read in the last 3 days, i probably have adhd as well as bipolar? and some kind of personality disorder as well as anxiety and depression, i have a feeling that it will take some combination of meds possibly more meds to the mix to help maintenance wise on my moods.... i will take it step by step tho, and i am not placing any expectations on any of these, or presumptions, just putting my thoughts down.

WOW!!!

i do tend to get carried away when i write LOL

Sorry for the long post - even tho i know you will all say don't be sorry

[kato]

I like writing my nonsense under the one posting, if it annoys anyone just let me know.

Ok, well i am struggling with all the thoughts in my head lately, i am slowly ger=tting more and more confused? agitated? hmmm not too sure how to explain it, but i think i have mentioned it before, i find myself really questioning my reality.... hmmm like when i look back from now at the last year and a bit, how much of what i remember? think? know? is actually real, i also find myself questioning circumstances that transpired, like the deterioration of my work/job..... how ill was i really? then i think about what i have been through with my ex..... hmmm i find myself querying the situation, like it almost seems to be set up from earlier in the year, and coursed it's way through to the end result, i try and think about how i was feeling or acting at certain times, would it be classed as pychosis? or is that just me looking too much into it,

i know well i feel that i this week, well early this week, definately had a moment of something? i mean i made myself extremly sick, or did i? i am finding myself so confused, and when i find myself starting to think alot of things have been a conspiracy against me, which is definately an odd thought, but i know i have had that thought a few times before, and then i find myself before taking my meds.... questioning the why behind taking them? i still take them, but i have a pause and have to remind myself that they are needed.

I also find myself isolating myself, and getting stuck in my own thoughts.... i don't/can't seem to be able to reach out to my friends, to broach our friendship.... if there is still one, i don't know, i am finding myself to afraid to even attempt to contact a couple of them.... like my brain just tells me it is a really bad idea, and the fear stops me........... i know i shouldn't, but i can't seem to get past that point.

i also know my ex has now gotten into another relationship already, and he has moved in with her, that hurts, as it should, but i find myself wondering if she can move on like that, 12 years, and less then 4 months she has moved on, it doesn't make sense, but i suppose it doesn't matter, i should just move on also, find some new friends maybe, and put everything behind me......

i am ok emotionally, really, it's weird, like i get sad briefly, over everything, but it is only brief, then i seem to just sorta forget, or distract myself, i don't seem to feel happy, i definately feel guilt sometimes, and anger, but again they are fleeting emotions, i don't seem to ever be happy, or if i am it's almost like exstatic for a brief period...... otherwise i am just sorta dulled, i don't have any hobbies, nothing actually interests me, except for reading if i am in the mood, or being on here, that's a sorta hobbie,

perhaps i need to change something, like i said find new friends, but i don't know how to, or really want to, i would like to go out on a friday or saturday night, but then i would be drinking at a club or bar on my own..... not really fun, so i don't do it. I can't figure out how to work out getting community help, well i probably do, but again fear stops me calling the numbers, for fear of rejection i suppose.

ok wrapping up, not after advice etc, just me venting my thoughts

thank you

[peace]

Hi @kato I like reading your so called 'nonsense' the problem is that I must have a very nonesical mind cause I can understand what you write. Do you think I need to get that looked at lol.
Are you seeing your psychiatrist this week? Hope you will be able to express what you need to so that he/she can start to sort out your meds so that you can get off that roller-coaster.

[kato]

hey @peace 

hahaha i am glad you can make sense of what i write..... i know it's not really nonsense, but for others it doesn't sort of pertain to anything legitimently, just thoughts that i have in my own head, i suppose for my own thinking.

I definately don't think you need that looked at for yourself lol i think you are just fine 🙂

Yes i see my new psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon, i know that we probably won't play with meds or anything yet, as it will be my first session with him, i am really looking forward to it, they rang me nice and early today to confirm, everything, so that's good, i hadn't spoken to them since last year sometime.... not sure when

i think i am for the most part meant to be on this rollercoaster..... it is kinda fun sorta maybe, altho for some reason last night i had some pretty stupid thoughts..... a little bit scary actually, but i know how to talk myself around them, i am thankfull that my mind even tho it wants to play tricks on me and make me think some silly things, is still capable of reminding myself not to be silly.

hmmm that's about it, thanks peace for your comment, you made me laugh a little 🙂

[kristin]

Hey @kato 

I hope the appopintment with the new psych tomorrow goes really well! I hope he is at the opposite pole to the nutter who called himself one who you saw last year.

Let us know how you go hey?

Hope endures...

for finding helpful help:)

Kind regards,

Kristin