A Poem? Maybe?

[kato]

I apologise in  advance for this downer.............

I have crashed and burned, Here i was yesterday, being in a good mood, thinking how good i was going, actually feeling some semblance of joy and happiness, My headspace was in a really good place, and i had my plans in place for what to achieve in the next couple of days, How foolish i was.......

I got home yesterday afternoon, in a good mood, only to discover the lovely Police had paid a visit, with a whole lot of paperwork charging me of 4 different charges with a very strong possbility of me serving jail time.

I have tried maintaining a front of being ok, even tho my head is spinning, my parents are stressed and worried, i then woke up this morning, rang legal aid, cos i had promised my dad i would, and that has just made me more stressed, and then on top of all this fun new info, my stress has manifested itself into my entire body being achy sore, and run down, everything hurts, my skin hurts, my eyes hurt, my ears hurt, my neck hurts, body legs feet arms errrggghhhh

Why did i bother even feeling good what was the point

And to make it even better, i have to wait until may for the court case, i am so wrecked physically and emotionally,

i am fighting off just collapsing into a ball and trying not to exist

i am bordering catatonic, i have been catatonic i don't want to fall that far, but i am losing the battle, i am using the last of my strength for tonight writing this post, i don't even know why i am bothering to write.

I am sorry for being a downer

i can't even try and think positively, i see my new psychiatrist next week, and my psychologist 2 days after that, but i have no idea what they can even suggest to help, i just want to cry, but i am not letting myself, i think i am deliberetly doing that so i don't upset my parents, they are talking about, if legal aid can't help with a lawyer then they will pay for one, but they can't afford to do that, i just want them to leave it be.

But they won't and i don't want them spending the money, i just want it all to end, and perhaps jail is a better place for me........

i am so sorry everyone for this nonsense post, but i have tried multiple times to write it, and i have deleted every single other one, if i don't get out of my head, i will fall badly.

Please please please don't feel obligated to respond as i said i just have to get it out of my head

i can hopefully come to terms with all this over the next couple of weeks, but i am afraid i will disappear from here until i feel better......

apologies again

peace be with you all,

Thank you

[NikNik]

Hi @kato 

Please don't apologise or feel like a downer. We don't see it that way. We just want to help - so I'm sure I don't speak alone when I say that I'm really glad you came on here and shared what's going on.

There's no denying it - you received some pretty tough news today and it's not surprising that it's got you down. Don't be too hard on yourself for what you're feeling.

I know it's really hard for you to think about anything positive right now, but how about we put together a plan of how to get you through the next few months. It already sounds like you have some things lined up that could contirbute to the plan - you're seeing a new psychiatrist and you have an appointment with a psychologist coming up. I know you will be honest and straight forward with them about what you're going through, so I'm sure they will have strategies to contribute to a plan of keeping you safe.

I also think it would be worth 'visiting the forums' as part of your plan. Once a day, even if you don't feel like it, schedule in 1 visit. Perhaps make it for 7pm nightly?

While I'm not saying that things will spike back up to the good mood you were in yesterday, it would be beneficial to have some things in place to at least keep you safe for the time being.

Another part of the plan could be to call one of the following numbers;

Menshelpline 1300 78 99 78 ( online counselling - https://www.mensline.org.au/user/register

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (online counselling - (Crisis chat https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat)

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 (online counselling - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/register

What else could we add to the plan?

[kristin]

Dear God @kato 

This is really horrible. I am so sorry to hear that. Please keep in touch, we will offer you whatever support we can.

There is no need to apologise for telling us the truth of what is going on for you. This is not a "downer" it is reality.

I can really relate to the experience of hurting everywhere as a result of this. I know at this point it probably feels easier to give up, and even go to jail. Please don't give up. I know the waiting will be very hard, even excruciating at times (like now). It's a huge shock. 

@Rick have you any ideas that might help please?

Kato I think Nik's idea of at least touching base with the forum once a day, and making a plan for how to get through these few months, is a good one. Hang in there my friend.

Even in the midst of chaos...

hope does endure.

Thoughts & prayers are with you

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kato]

I think I just need time
time to process etc
I will try to check in on here

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Kato,

thank you so much for writing to forums.
We are always here to write g'day to you.
I really hope you can get Legal Aid. they helped me last week in court.
I have replied to groovy Nik Nik's message because she has written some things which I think are important.
the first one being ' don't be too hard on yourself.'
the second being that you have put things in place with appointments with Psychiatrist and Psychologiest.
Both may also be able to point you in the right direction if Legal Aid doesn't work out.


the other pointer that Nik Nik writes is keeping yourself safe. end of third paragraph she writes this. this is so important, to think this.

Please stay online, You are an interesting, well written person.
How are you tonight?

[peace]

@kato oh I am so sorry your feeling down. Please do not thing you need to apologize. This is the one place that we can be real and not feel embarrassed. Know that you are accepted for and cared about for who you are are. We are here to support one another in our good days as well as our bad and lost times also. You have been very supportive to me, thank you so much. It has really been very helpful, more than I am currently capable of expressing.
You sound like you really have a lot on your plate right now. Its a heavy burden to carry. Hope your appointment with your new psychiatrist goes well. It sometimes takes a while to form a connection I know. I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I can hardly wait as its been practically 2 months as he's been away and before that I missed my last appointment as I was disabled by fear and couldn't get out of bed. But I"ve been feeling much stronger this past 4 weeks. The new meds seem to be helping
Hang in there kato. And peace be within you ☆

[Rick]

@kato 

Hey Kato,

Rick here, 

Well you are right! It's important to recognise when we are in a world of shite. 

You see it and that means that your perception is still reliable. Take a morsel for that.

To even be thinking jail time you must be dealing with felonies and some fairly serious ones. 

Is that correct? I ask only as a sounding board to reflect it back to you for reality checking. This does not diminish the fear and worry but at the same time it never hurts to look from an other POV. 

Have you engaged a mental health support service? As well as focusing on recovery they are integrated to support everything form going to colllege to support in legal matters. This can often mean expediting the normal process.

http://www.neaminational.org.au/

 http://www.mifa.org.au/

http://www.minetworks.org.au/

Nik made an excelleent suggestion about using the forum each day. Consider this please, isolation right now will only harm you and at the same time generate worry for you.

I know that you do not wish to burden anyone, and that is the reason you miight consider staying in the loop.

As for paying a lawyer see what you can get from the support services above, and please understand this. by making sure you are well represented you parents will lose that sense of powerlessness which is the greatest burden of all. 

I don't know your history with them but if you care for them you must consider letting them care for you.

If you have f#ucked up then you are not alone. I have done so, more than I can ever regret enough and I know that many others here on the forum will say the thing.

It will take time for court proceeding to begin, so in the mean time you can focus on your health. 

I ask you to please follow up on the support services. If we knew each other in person I would do it for you. 

I ask also you use us as a walking stick, we cannot walk for you but we can support you as you do so.

I do not think I am alone when I say that you are important to this forum of fruitloops. You are a great support to those in need and an encouragement for all.

The future does not exist yet, the past does not exist only the present has actual form and density. Live in this presence. 

Allow hope which is eternal to rise again in your being. Let it be a hope for presence. If  all l other hope eludes you, hope for presence.

I will check the boards daily for your posts. I expect to see them and you can expect a reply. 

This is my promise to you.

I will also pray for you and your family 

No less than at any other time

Hope endures my friend

Rick

[kato]

Thank you to everyone for the kind words
I slept basically all afternoon and evening yesterday , I couldn't get out of bed until 1ish today I was only up for an hour than I was back in bed until dinner now back in bed again.... I am in so much physical pain at the moment.
My folks think I've got the flu...
I have read through everyone's posts. I don't have any services that I am linked to.
I tried awhile back but got nowhere.... I will try again when I am not suffering the hot and cold shakes and sweats and when I can actually feel better
thanks again for the kind words
thank you
oh and I think the charges are pretty serious....
I looked up the numbers in the law 2 of the worse ones carry maximum 5year terms per charge
I will rest as best as I can
and will try to keep checking in

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato,
First things first...what I mean by that is maybe focus on taking the positive actions you have been doing..coming on the Forum. seeking professional help..living in stable situation with your parents..getting your head around what you are facing.
I would really like to encourage you to keep doing the ordinary good things you have been doing...and if your court date is set, then ask your mental health team if they can support you in court...
Keep us posted @kato...big giant virtual hugs!!!!

[kato]

i am feeling a little better today

my aches and pains are lessoning

my thoughts are not leading me astray

my emotions are still in check

my thanks to one and all

blessed am i too have found this place

sanctuary from my fears

no bottled up emotions here

no need to hide my tears

freedom to partake in helping others

guidance to those in need

so i thank you all again and again

and hope to be able to pay it back

when you're in a time of need

Thank you