The safe room- somewhere to just come and sit.... offload... feel supported

[WIP]

Hope you are feeling rested and better today @frog 

[Powderfinger]

Feeling so broken in myself today. Emotional and lost. A mental breakdown and ending the relationship with the person I am in love with, well there's just no words that will do how I'm feeling any at all. I still am in love. I ended it because I was not being treated well. I don't know if anyone has any idea how it feels to end a relationship with a person you are in love with, it's excruciating for want of a better explanation. 

The doubts creep in about ending it, when the beautiful and happy memories come to mind. The torture of not being able to think straight cause you're trying to recover from a breakdown. 

Many re cutting thoughts, what if I ended it in haste and sheer exhaustion. Made a mistake? The confusion of how I was being treated. Were my feelings of unworthiness and not feeling loved, caused entirely by my own perceptions and understanding that may have been faulty. Was I making decisions based on my past treatment. Am I even able to trust myself and my decisions. 

To be on the receiving end of at times your partner not speaking to you for days and you live together, I will tell you is eventually soul destroying. One eventually breaks down. I question if that alone is reason enough to end a relationship. Sure it can be a boundary, is it enough to end a relationship? 

I hadn't felt loved for quite some time. It felt like I was just around for who knows what. I had started to feel very lonely and alone. Neglect of the relationship. Similar to I need my space and want to do my own thing but without saying it. I just felt it. My self worth just kept getting lower and lower. The lack of communication when I openly expressed myself and was vulnerable. Often silence, no words in return. 

No efforts made for repair when damage had been done. Somehow it got to the point, where I just screamed. I screamed out of despair, distress, immense hurt and frustration. Some would say that was abuse. I have been abused my whole life, I know what abuse is and the many forms it can take. There is always the question, are they an abusive person or are they very much not aware their choices are hurting someone else. Abuse is intentional, people don't always do things intentionally. 

I was (still am) under extreme pressure. She would see it and say to me you need some of the load taken off you. I would be so relieved but then I would not have any of the load taken off me. I guess I wanted someone to take charge instead of telling them how to take charge. How is that taking any pressure off me if I have to ask for things to be done. 

Was I too hard on her. I don't think so, I did most things. If I was made aware something Ii was doing was bothering her then I would listen to her, hear her and cease doing it if It felt it was harmful to the relationship. I feel I wasn't afforded the same. 

My trust got broken a few times. I had a lot if issues around trust before this all but of course I placed trust in my partner over time. Now, I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to even trust myself. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger 

It's really good to see you're using the forums as a way to be able to write down all of the overwhelming thoughts and feelings you're experiencing at the moment. I can really feel the sense of grief and pain you're experiencing. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, having to question and run through the situation in your head over and over. What I can say is that from what you've described, this relationship was causing a lot of pain. Being stonewalled and feeling alone even when together are very painful experiences.

I hope you've got some good support and I trust that you're engaging in some self-care where you've got energy for it. I don't know if you've heard of them but Relationships Australia might be a good resource for you at the moment too.

I can't tell you that you've made the right decision, but I can tell you that making choices that protect ourselves and that value our integrity is a mark of self-compassion. Keep breathing, you will get through this - and we will be here for you along the way.

[Powderfinger]

Hi Jynx,

It is the only place I have besides my therapist. I'm leaning very heavily on it right now because I have to and I'm not in a good way. I had an emergency appt with my doctor today. I haven't been able to stop crying, my anxiety and stress levels are way high and I'm not sleeping well. 

Well he made that a whole lot worse. Started talking to me about my abusive childhood and asking questions. One particular comment from him really upset me and was inappropriate. I told him It was being beaten at home growing up, he asked why? He said we're you being bad? I said I was a child. A child should not be beaten even if they have been bad, whatever that means. I said I was a good child, quiet, loving and well well behaved. He said sorry I though you meant as an adult. 

It just wasn't what I needed today or any other day. I asked him if he knew of any further supports in town. I said I'm isolated and don't know anyone. I need more support than just my therapist. At the end he just said keep seeing the psychologist, there is not much else I can do for you. I felt so angry and even more hurt. I really can't ever face him again after that and will be finding a new doctor.

I'm too tired for so many things. Literally tired in every way. I can't manage much at all. I don't want to think. I've still got work (I work for myself) my head hurts all the time, my eyes are always sore from crying and I just feel terrible in myself. The reality kicked in today. I just need to sit and STOP. 

I can't think of the pain in me right now. It's there, constant. Never eases. I spoke with her today and let out everything that was hurting me in the relationship. She listened and reported back to me the things I would have felt, the pain I was in. She empathised. She owned stuff and took responsibility. She opened up with me about how she felt about her behaviour in the last eight months. I can see and tell she is sad and angry with herself about her behaviour and the things she did. She understood me when I spoke. She us genuinely sorry for what she put me through for eight months. 

I asked her what does she feel is in her best interests to do regarding the breakdown of the relationship. She said she feels she needs to leave to work on herself and change. I was honest and said that is a very painful answer to hear. I said it's also very hard to accept. I also said that it would be selfish of me to ask her to stay when she wants to leave. That's as much as I can say as it is just all too painful. 

Thanks for reminding me you will be there. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger , sounds like a really big day for you. I'm sorry to hear that your experience with the doc was so awful, doesn't sound at all like trauma-informed care. Also a pretty tough conversation to have, though with inklings of closure. Not that that eases your current pain, but I hope it turns out it was helpful. 

Take care, hope you are able to rest. Sending big piles of care and soothing thoughts your way. 

[Powderfinger]

@Jynx it's been a very big day. I'm utterly spent. My eyes are sore and dry from all the crying. Aside from all I wrote about, I prepared a proposal and quite for a job, had a hot shower and a bite to eat. I could only manage making two sandwiches but it's better than nothing at all. 

I don't know how outsiders looking in perceive me when I write, I can come across very together and of sound mind. I actually have very dark thoughts. I just don't talk about them. I don't talk about them because of the judgement I seem to get. People can't seem to handle that someone can think very dark thoughts and it doesn't necessarily mean they are do unwell they need to go to hospital. 

I think it just becomes the default message overall and people don't think outside the box. Mental illness or not, a mental breakdown and a breakdown of a relationship occuring simultaneously does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone at all and aid say quite common to just no longer be yourself. 

I know very well I'm in a dark place, so don't need it spelt out to me, I really find it quite insulting when anyone says, oh maybe you should go to hospital, are you taking your medication, maybe it needs looking at, have you spoken to your go, you can get a GP referral and have this many sessions, blah blah blah. Same stuff Zive been contending with for so long that it's just old. How about, this is a really difficult and painful time for you, how are you doing? You know something normal, every day people could say and ask. Nine times out if ten, it us the default Z spoke of. 

I appreciate the piles of care and soothing thoughts. I wish I felt spotted but So feel basically like not even wanting to breathe. It hurts just to breathe. 

[Dockers6]

Ramble,
Morning, I have sent you a quick message over the email system.
Dockers6

[Powderfinger]

@Dockers6 I'm not sure if that goes to my personal email address or somewhere in Sane? Please advise. 

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLove

[Powderfinger]

@Dockers6 @NatureLover 

I have found it and replied Docker. Nature lover apologies, finger slipped on my phone.