Rumunation- it is something that bovine do to break down the fibres in grasses, so that their digestion is able to tolerate and work with it. The chew their cud over & over & over & over.....
It is also something we humans are very good at...RUMINATION that is, not so much the chewing and breaking down of food.But in a similar fashion, we overthink a situation over & over & over....until it's brken down or we are broken down.
And rumination is something myself, and lots of other humans suffer with, whether they have a mental illness or not. I am almost a master at it, really, I can a turn a particularly lovely situation like I had lost night, and churn over it so much I drag myself back down the deep, dark rabbit hole of depression in mere minutes.
Yes, dinner last night with my writers group was enjoyable and interesting. I didn't have to pay, as our group had extra money in the kitty. It was a buffet, which was pretty ordinary really. I got to meet some of the partners of the group, who were lovely caring and interesting people. We actually were asked to leave because the restuarant had closed and they were trying to clear up!
I beleive I interacted well. I tried to let other people have their turn at talking, and tried to look interested even if I wasn't. Because I am going on a wellness retreat (this weekend) at the home of a woman in the group, somehow the topic came up of mental illness, and 'crazy' people. Things got a bit tricky as I was offended by some of the judgements, but I let that those go as it wasn't worth it. We were all chatting along so much that we were asked to leave as the restuarant had closed, and they were trying to clean and close up.
I gave two people a lift after we departed, and this is what today's flat spot was mostly over. I made a joke that I often forget where I park, so they got worried (it was a BIG carpark). But I always try to park near a landmark so I have a reference point. I found my car quite easily. Lately my anxiety has transferred into my driving, so I am no longer confident with directions or navigation, and night time driving is harder now too, even in a city as small as mine and that I know well. So eventually they got to their destinations and I to mine.
Even before I got home, the overthinking started. I'm such an idiot, cant drive in my own city, I am sure they see how stupid I am, I probably talked too much, they probably had to listen to my boring drivel....and on and on it went. By the time I was in bed, I was not only exhausted but had a screaming headache. I tried to go to sleep for about 20-30mins. Nope, not going to happen. I tried journalling-nope, no better. Ok, then it was time to shut it down. I took my sleeping tablets, maybe more than I am supposed to. Finally got to sleep after another hour or so.
I slept well in hours, but I still woke exhausted, ashamed and angry with myself. I'd broken one of my new rules already, and I had let over thinking almost ruin a pleasant experience. The effects of the sleeping tablets had absolutely levelled me flat, so I wasn't able to get out of bed and moving until well after lunch. Even my house mate called out to me, as I hadn't got up and she was concerned.
As my head cleared, I was able to think about what had happened. Why do I let my thoughts get to me so much? They take over like a runaway train and then derail me. I know now that I can't know what the other people think of me, and who cares really anyway? And I know I have to stop compairing myself to other people, and value myself and all my traits, quirky or not.
So I am getting back to just ok, not as good as Thursday, but I don't have to be anyway. And I am still going to the retreat tomorrow, and I am going to do my best to enjoy myself and NOT overthink (but it will probably happen).
Thanks for reading
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