I forgot to be gentle

[Powderfinger]

I was completely oblivious to be gentle on myself. I actually don't know how to be gentle with myself or to myself. I didn't realise how much pressure I felt. 

I was with a narcissistic sociopath I believe. It's taken me a while to identify what I was actually dealing with. Forget about the fact that I'm 'labelling' a person. I need a label. I need a label to somewhat understand the complete insanity I went through. 

The damage to me is not something I can describe. I ask myself how do I keep attracting insane people I get into relationships with. I don't think this is a valid question in this instance particularly. It wasn't my fault. I shouldn't have to take responsibility. How can I when I was with someone like this. I finally worked out why I kept being drawn back in when I knew this person was bad news. 

I didn't see that everything about them was fake. I get now that everything about them was a wanna be. They will never truly amount to anything. They have elements of being able to be something but components are missing. Like they can say they are a doctor, yet the practical or study may not be there. They could have equipment for eg and know how to use but gave never done the required study and many years of university to actually be a doctor. So basically apply that to everything. 

She never really did love me. I worked out that it was all self serving. I havn't got my head around the totality of it yet. I can't talk about all the events yet. My two biggest fears, that whomever I tell will not believe me and that she will continue to find ways to get to me. Part of the narcissism is needing supply. Her supply is gone. They usually come back when they are not getting their supply. Except I know now and am doing what I can do she doesn't get any access to me. 

She already has had her new victim in line. I don't want to protect this victim. I won't be believed anyway. The smear campaign would have begun a while ago. I kept going back because I believed we had a chance still. It was all lies though. All to hard because I made her face herself. She pretended she wanted to but it was all lies. She processes to be so happy within herself and happy with her life. I just look at it and think to myself how easy it is to spot it now. I bought a narcissistic sociopath to their knees. They actually saw themselves and it scared them. I exposed parts of them to themselves and it was just too much. 

She has an intense fear of me exposing her. What concerns me about that is how far would she go with me not to expose her. I will be to doctors, psychologists and maybe in other ways. The sociopathic part is no longer having any power or control. They are likely to act out more when they lose this. She lives in complete fear. She will portray to others and air of self confidence, a spiritual take on all of it, at times a smear campaign, at times break down like it's all too much, like it was me that completely stuffed up her life. What concerns me is how far the many unsavoury people she knows might decide to do something because of the way she spins things to different people. 

There is so much more. 

Anyhow I've been hard on myself. Worrying about work and getting back to it. Worrying that I'm not pulling my weight around the house. I don't want to talk to my housemate. He is a bit money orientated. I just don't want or need the pressure. I can't be bothered even telling him. 

I actually just prefer to be left alone. 

[Corny]

You will be believed @Powderfinger , but not by everyone. They may understand intellectually but until you have lived it yourself, understanding can only go so far. This increases our feelings of isolation and loneliness, and that's why I would encourage you to see a therapist if you can afford it or can receive some government concessions to help with the cost. 

It's normal to want to be on your own and feel withdrawn when you have been humiliated and heart broken. It's no walk in the park to realise how totally used you were, and that they never loved you at all, not to mention all the lies. You feel like an idiot. It takes time to understand that they are just inherently selfish people, and its all about them & their ego. 

She will definitely try to get you back, that is a definite. They cannot be on their own, they need to control someone and if other relationships fail she will try to go back to previous ones because she doesn't have the capacity to be on her own. She's a loser. This whole public face and private face is just her insight into how she is, she knows! And her actions are deliberate! 

I think she will really play on your vulnerabilities too with addiction. It would be so easy for her to play on that and manipulate your impulse control to her advantage to reel you back in. They remind me of the killer whales in a David Attenborough doco, tossing up their prey in the air once its been cornered and humiliating it further by playing with it, before it is completely destroyed. There are people out there that are primitive, undeveloped and less evolved. They can't change because it is built in, they get worse with age, not better. 

I don't think that your ex is insecure, I don't fall for that rubbish story one tiny bit, she is totally up herself. There's lots of people like me out there, who've had childhoods like mine. We would see straight through her, our instincts are that sharp. 

Good luck @Powderfinger . Corny 

[Carlachris]

@Powderfinger  it's so awful isn't it. I have been through very similar and understand. In my case it was my mother. Even more complicated than anyone could imagine. It destroyed me and I now have very little family. People only hear what they want. It's horrifying to realize how superficial people you have known all your life are. I have been discarded which is the usual when covert Narcissists are found out. 
All you can do is WALK AWAY. I know the fear is real but finally walking away and stepping away opens up life again. It's not easy and it takes time for me it is nearly 12 mths but I can breathe and make better choices. You already understand a great deal of what you have been through..... some I think like me is actually shock. I no longer care what others think block everyone..... it takes awhile to get to the stage and a lot of tears and grief but when you do get past that and the fear,  it makes you a better person and will never go there again. The universe removed them from our lives for a reason. To get them out of our way because better is to come. 
I would never wish anyone to go through what we have walk away with your head held high and if they ignore you......Never bother them gain. All the best.

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

I speak the truth no matter what the truth or my personal truth is. I'm booked in for next week to start three months worth of suicide counselling. I also am beginning today to start work with someone who will become my mentor, spiritual mentor, friend and will not abandon me. A truly beautiful soul with 30 years experience. I found her when I wasn't looking and I knew right away. I read one or two lines about her and I just knew. 

As for wanting to be on my own, this is something I have struggled with all my life. It's been darn hard. People won't accept it and it's made my life painful and hard. It's been hard not being accepted in this way. I've been put down, I've been made out to be very suspicious because I'm private and like to be alone, in the mental health world it's been hard too. You need to get out, have excercise, socialise and so on. The pressure on me has been enormous. I am actually beyond tired of it. I can't change because I'm ok with this part of me. It's other people who don't feel comfortable with it, that project it into me. I'm tired of fighting just to live how I want to live and how I like to live. 

Well, she really did a number on me eh. It's hard being a seer. You see people's souls. It's hard having wisdom when you don't always know what to do in human ways. It's hard when you know you are still human too, just with wisdom. I'm not talking life wisdom, a wisdom that comes from other sources. It's been hard all my life because I was born this way and I know I was. Finally though at almost 42 years of age I have found the one person that I know with every fibre of my being is going to help me with all of this so I can step into more comfortably and finally make peace with many things. 

As for trying to get me back. I believe this will occur yes. I know she doesn't give up easily. I do believe in past lives. The thing is I can't deal with this entirely on just a human level. I'm going to have to do some things on a higher level to truly end this once and for all. In saying that, I take a holistic view. Yes, absolutely she has caused me harm, she has caused my soul harm, she has messed with my mind and messed with my heart. The degree of responsibility I must take is yet to become known to me. 

She can try play on my addictions. It will not work. I became aware a long time ago of my impulsivity. I've done work around it. I simply don't engage with things that I know I can possibly become addicted to and I learnt about balance in all things. Moderation. Sure, there is things I have obsessions with. Music is one of them. I'm aware though. I'm aware of obsessions. I set boundaries for myself. Of course it isn't easy. I have to consider things. I do have mental health issues, yes this is true. We are all always learning. Need to have fun too, so I allow that. For instance, I have wanted a kite for a long time. I'm going to get one. I'm going to try just have fun with the kids instead of becoming obsessed and joining a kite club and learning everything there is to know about a kite, cause that is what I would do. I don't know why? I'm slowly learning it's ok to just have fun. 

I completely agree with your saying that she is up herself. Thinks she us better than what she really is. Believes she us better than what she is. Still, this is all about EGO and insecurity. Both things are at play. As I said I am a seer. I see beyond this, I see much deeper. This frightened her. To put it just a little plainly, yes, she is...  bat s...t crazy. The issue too and thus is where the mind Fu...K comes in is that you don't know when something they do appears to be normal as you see that yourself has done it in life or been that way, however because they have completely distorted things so much, it is very hard to tell what is normal even if it is normal and what is just part of a game and what is the truth. You really get to the stage where you don't know anymore, yet you are truly in love with the person just like I was. That's part of the work I need to do now. I will say that yes, there is a part of me that us still drawn to her, however that is slowly being broken. I know that today it will start where it will get broken down even more. It will take time though. 

Thanks for speaking your truth @Corny 

PF

[Powderfinger]

P.S. @Corny 

I meant kite, not kids. I do not have any. 

[Owen45]

Thanks for sharing that story.  I am a gentle person, but unfortunately never got the opportunity to share my gentle nature and personality. Anyhow, that's life !  Regards, Owen.

[Corny]

That's wonderful @Powderfinger that you have found someone to connect with as a mentor and guide. None of us can survive on our own, we all need a helping hand and alternative ways of seeing and thinking to challenge us. 

There's nothing wrong with needing lots of time on your own. Its the way I decompress as well, and my sibs are the same. When you've lived with vampires that have demanded all of your inner resources for years and years, it is only natural to want to hide to have a break with no pressure placed upon you. Also early life trauma can create adaptations such as this....there's nothing wrong with it. I also think that there is only so much heartbreak one heart can take. There is a point where a heart cannot be fixed, something inside following my last heartbreak broke forever. I can make peace with that, and channel my love into my family and friends instead. 

I see lots of positives in your life amongst this mess @Powderfinger and a great chance for full recovery.

1. You have a job & subsequent financial independence

2. Your social anxiety isn't too bad that you can't join a local kite club....you can still take social risks despite the heartbreak.

3. You don't have any dependents which opens up lots of options for eg: if you wanted to move and start afresh somewhere new one day you aren't tied to one place.

4. You have friends

5. A curious mind

6. You spirituality

.............the list goes on........I am sure there are more.

It does take time. Nothing changes over night, for me change was painstakingly slow, but you are higher functioning than me, I think you will bounce back more easily.

She is totally up her self. She is not insecure, she is pissed off when she isn't the best or smartest or prettiest, there's a difference. 

Stay strong @Powderfinger there will be lots of ups and downs, but be gentle on yourself, I hope your new mentor goes well, she sounds dreamy 

Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Carlachris 

My trauma throughout life is just way too much to talk about. Sometimes I just truly can't. I can say I am happy you only went through it once. Once is enough, NEVER would be even better. 

You sound very positive minded and stronger. I do not doubt that the last 12 months were hell. I am sure you have your bad days. All in all you have a positive mindset to help you through painful times. 

Thank you for sharing with me. You keep your head up. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

Hey @Corny 

Been a big day. I'm very much adjusting to the fact I've gone no contact. It will take a while for my mind to adjust to this all. So many things to adjust to with no contact. I'm concerned naturally. On edge still naturally and of course still traumatised. I can't yet roam freely around my small town. In short I'm wondering in which way and direction she is going to get in touch with me again or find me or get a message to me somehow. I'm not daft enough with what I've been through to think that is it. I really don't like feeling like this. 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny I pressed send before I finished. I had my first appt today with my new mentor/teacher, it was good yet very painful. Heart breaking to hear some stuff about my childhood. Need to process more. 

I don't know what I want regarding just being at home and around no one. For now no pressure to have to give any energy to much as I truly don't have it to give. 

I think that's true. There is a point where a heart can't be fixed. Some fractures are just too wide. I don't know if my heart is broken, I'm broken or maybe even both. *shrugs* 

I'm sorry you E experienced that break. I'm glad you have family to pour your love into. I have none. Not even extended family. It's hard when people need to ask next of kin. I don't have a name to give. A bit too late I think. If something was really wrong, I'd let someone know. 

I do have a job. I have forgotten it. I can't look at it. Financially I have suffered and as I am not able to function and work, I can't sort myself out yet. I've tried and just can't right now. Im sad about it. 

Hmmmm.... I seem to be shying away from anything social right now. I just can't deal at all. 

I don't have kids that's right. That means more freedom. At my age though I feel sad that I don't have a family of my own even though I've tried throughout the years. 

I have one true friend. Better than nothing at all. 

Yes, very smart and intelligent. My spiritually and am highly creative in the arts. Just lonely but not alone. 

Hmmmm..I don't see myself as hihger functioning than yourself. Perhaps it comes across that way with how and what I write. 

What makes me laugh is your directness regarding her lol. This it is true what you say. Ha ha. 

The latest is she has now met a man, actually met him when I ended it with her. I know her very well. It was happening when I met her, I've seen them get obsessed very quickly with her. So much for never going back with a man again. Same old same old. He is wonderfully kind and has decided to take the next step andet him in to get to know her. She us now living such a wonderful life, meeting new people and going to see live bands, then going home to her kids, wonderful new house, her outdoor magnesium bath and planting her lovely trees.Oh and she is learning to become a sound healer now. Sheesh.  Oh my goodness makes me want to barf. I see through it all and feel nothing lmao. Honestly, whoever the fella is, must be just as dumb as she is. Anyhow, yay for her. I see through it all and it's just going to end up in another nightmare, drama and her youngest will not accept it. Plus I know he is just a fill in. Everyone always will be. He is welcome to my seconds. Wish them well. Quite frankly I don't give a dam because I know the truth. 

One thing that is troublesome is for a woman that does 1 small shift a day driving a bus a d has a Centrelink income, it makes me wonder where the endless amounts of money came from and how she could just seem to buy whatever she wanted with no issue at all. Always has lots of money. Mmmmm.....a bit scary. Even her 12 year old has too much money for a 12 year old. Eh, well whatever weird business is going on, she will get sorungone day. Whatever it is, I can feel it ain't good. 

I know I made the right choice to face myself and my life. To work through my life and things that have happened. Hard choice, however the better choice. 

PF