Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED) at around age 28, 2 years ago. I have a larger body, so I have received so much blame and shame in my medical care. I actually enjoyed using telehealth phone services during Covid, because I felt doctors could actually listen to my symptoms. In person, the usual response from GPs is to take one look. tell me it's because of my weight, and my shitty decisions caused my weight, therefore I need to stop making shitty decisions.
I've been discriminated against with regard to my mental health. In one particularly traumatising experience, I confronted a GP about providing me with the wrong Medicare items, and after arguing with me, he told me he could schedule me under the Mental Health Care Act. I told him at the time what an unacceptable response that was. Then, I reported him to the medical practice and the HCCC, but he denied ever making this comment and that was good enough for them. This was at a time when the medical practice had recorded a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder on my records, even though I do not have, nor have ever been diagnosed or assessed for, Bipolar. I had asked to change the records twice, to no avail. I have other mental health issues, but that experience shook me to the core, and made me wonder how people living with Bipolar experience doctors.
After a lot of persistence, I finally found a GP with an interest in eating disorders and mental health. I get emotional even writing about her, tears are welling. On our first meeting, she listened and actually apologised for how GPs have treated me, and told me that is not how medical care should be. Yesterday, I was dreading telling her that I have had a relapse with the ED. I actually broke down in tears and said, "I really didn't want to tell you. I thought you would tell me how many bad decisions I am making." She said she did not think that all, just that she had to review my supports because I need help. I was able to tell her, "it can feel so bad to be in my body and mind sometimes, with the trauma and the grief I am dealing with, that I will make any decision to numb it, no matter how dumb that decision seems and how much it will bite me later." It has been the first time a GP has wanted to know why this is happening. I am crying now thinking about it. I told her yesterday, "this is the first time I've felt safe with a GP."
It was the first time too, I felt like I deserved better with my health issues. I found myself apologising for not dealing with a rash or "neglecting" this or that, and she actually really just said, "it's OK, you're doing the best you can." I had all kinds of physical issues I felt I just didn't deserve help with because all I ever hear is how I make shitty decisions for my health. I have lived with a lot of discomfort and pain, thinking I deserve it. Like, this is just the outcome of making such shitty decisions. But, yeah she has made me think differently. She empathised with how it feels, the symptoms of these issues, and said I should feel better. I am completely ugly crying right now.
Anyway, the point is it is so hard to shake the belief that this ED is my personal choice. I have been receiving care for 2 yrs and even started participating in advocacy work, but it's still a work in progress to chip away at this belief. Often I still think, "this is a lie you're telling yourself so you can be lazy and self indulgent. You don't have an ED, stop being so ridiculous." Especially in relapse, I just lecture myself about "all the excuses I make." And, I guess, usually when I see a GP, this is reinforced by an authority figure. The last GP I saw before my current one, when I disclosed my ED, she said, "but have you tried exercise?" So, this is a big ship to steer. In my advocacy work, I recently learned 1 in 4 people in the broader Aust community believe EDs are a "lifestyle choice."
It was intense being with my new GP yesterday and receiving compassion. The truth is, I am pretty armoured up these days. I expect to be misunderstood and, in fact, reviled. I found myself in her room, just feeling this mixture of emotions and my armour just slipping down, and it felt a bit scary, actually quite scary. But, yeah, I think we deserve care, we deserve to not be in pain or discomfort, we deserve to be listened to. Just because we have a mental illness, doesn't mean we deserve pain. I hope some of you out there have come to this conclusion as well, because I know medical services can really fuck with you. ❤️
