Affection and Attachment Withdrawals after Breakup

[Kares102]

My partner of 3 years and 2 months broke up with me, no goodbye or anything. It’s my fault, and she definitely isn’t obligated to deal with my obvious attachment and borderline issues, but I’m struggling so much.

I can barely socialise, and any friends I do have are at arms length because we aren’t close enough. I’m constantly physically tense, and anxious, and my body hurts, and all I can think of at any one moment is how suddenly I’ve gone from cuddles, kisses, feeling human warmth while I sleep to complete utter loneliness and touch starvation.

All I want is to sob in somebodies arms and hear that I’m loved and valued but I can’t get that without resorting to a rebound and traumatising myself even more every time I realise it’s not her.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Kares102 

Welcome to the forums, I'm glad that you've been able to reach out here during such a difficult time.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult break up right now. I know that you mentioned that you have been keeping a distance from your friends, but I wonder if there might be any that you could reach out even just to catch up and spend time with right now? 

[Kares102]

I’ve been organising things, I was supposed to go today but I didn’t have the energy to cope with 2 hours spent getting there and back, and all the public sensory input.

I’ve got plans on Sunday too, but it just feels like almost nobody is open to making plans otherwise.

[Ru-bee]

Ah yeah, fair enough @Kares102, that's a lot of travel when you're not feeling great. I'm glad that you have been reaching out though, hopefully it will be nice to be around your friends on Sunday.

I'm hearing how hard it is adjusting to the absence of your partner. Heartbreak is seriously hard to go through and it's one of those awful things where the best way to get past it is to just go through it and let yourself feel all of the grief and process it. That's not to say that you need to go through it alone, which is why I'm glad that you're reaching out. 

I noticed that you mentioned that you struggle with attachment and borderline issues which made me wonder if you've currently got any other supports?

P.S. just a handy forums tip: When you're replying to another member you can tag them by hitting '@' which should bring up a drop-down list of suggested usernames to choose from. Click on the one you're looking for and it should appear in blue like this @Kares102 

[Kares102]

Thanks for the advice @Ru-bee, I have been trying to cry and feel what I can, but there’s just so much I’m not sure about when it comes to “how much”.

Like with photos, and memories, I just can’t bring myself to look at them without body wracking sobs, and it feels like every time I do it tears the wound open again. Like all I can think of is how loving and gorgeous she was when she looked at me and that she probably hates me now.

All I want is a balance so I can remember her, and how much I loved her, without it being either something I dissociate from with time like the rest of my past or never get over and moving past.

I’m looking for bpd groups at the moment, as well as on a wait list for an attachment and relationship therapy, but they’re super expensive/long waits, so at the moment all I have is here and my psychologist.

[Kares102]

She loved me so much, treated me with so much passion and beauty, and I took that away forever because I had no idea how to look past my insecurities.

[Jynx]

Hiya @Kares102 welcome to forumland! 

I am really hearing how deeply this loss is impacting you. It can be very easy to blame ourselves entirely - and even if it was because of stuff we did or said, there's always two people in a relationship who hold a certain degree of responsiblilty for how it unfolds. 

Have you been able to give your grief some space? It sounds like you're really intent on moving on, and on wanting to be able to see the relationship in a positive light again... but maybe it's a bit too soon for that part of the process yet, and there needs to be more time acknowledging the loss. Just some food for thought, you know your process best. 

Attachment insecurity is ROUGH. Our attachment systems and our survival systems are... pretty much inextricably intertwined. Losing relationships feels like we're basically dying because...well once upon a time, before humans advanced, getting rejected or abandoned would have meant death! Working on these insecurities is really hard, and can feel incredibly overwhelming to try to tackle alone - do you have some solid professional support around you to help you delve into it? 

[Kares102]

@Jynx I have the guided recovery here and a psychologist I see every 2 weeks, but what I feel I’m really lacking is someone to just hold me while I say everything I feel, unjudged and uninterrupted. 

And it’s interesting you mentioned it feeling like you’re dying, because it really did feel in the moment I recognised what was happening like I had been shot. 

I do want to keep feeling the loss and the pain, but each and every time I think or talk on it, I end up draining every bit of energy I have, and can no longer keep the physical anxiety at bay.

I don’t know, I want to bunker down and just wallow and cry and hurt and feel until it’s no longer painfully raw, but it feels like such an all encompassing claustrophobia that I might never escape from if I do.

[Jynx]

@Kares102 and you very much deserve that!! Whilst I very much understand why there's generally no touching allowed within therapeutic relationships, I think there's something really powerful about being held. I wish hug therapy was more of a thing!! Buuut maybe you could look into some somatic therapy or body-based therapies? 

It's quite possible that the reason it feels THIS heavy, is because it's not just this relationship you're grieving... I am making an assumption here but, usually folks with BPD have a lot of attachment/developmental trauma. Maybe it's also grief from your needs not being met as a child - and so when these patterns of abandonment show up in our lives again, it's like all that pain comes bubbling up to the surface. 

Do you know much about attachment theory? It's one of my special interests so I'd be happy to yammer on about it if you like - I'm about to log off for the night but feel free to tag me if you wanna chat more! I'll be around again tomorrow arvo 😉

[hotmess]

it’s also ok to sob - I’m learning I have to feel my emotions and not bottle them up or distract myself , just lean in journal make art, listen to and sing loads songs (also going though the break up of a 25 year relationship and my best freind right now ) so yup the trick is marketing it though..