some of my life the short version Trauma (trigger warning in case)

[FadetoBlack]

I don't like being called strong or a victim i dont even see that because it was just life for me it was how i lived how i stayed alive i don't even like being called a survivor ..

i shouldn't of needed to be strong shouldn't of been or needed any of it but life is life and things happen just like people say if you can go back in time and change what happened would you and honestly NO i wouldnt change it because id rather it be me it happened to than someone else yes life was hard very hard i dont remember alot of things i know i went to school but i dont remember it at all i cant picture it the images just not there even if i see a picture of the school i feel nothing

I was abused so much sexual by both parents  a sibling and a few strangers,, I dont think i have let it define who i am as i am caring and good person who will help anyone ..Ive been married 22 years with 3 kids even though i been through so much im still here i find a reason every day even if its just my wife and kids as a reason i only need that 1 reason to stay ....

i am a high functioning autistic person i am working on an assessment for that it will how ever take time as its not free and i cant afford it but i have been told 100% i am ASD i am also diagnosed with BPD which also includes C-ptsd and all the other things that go with it

yet i dont drink to get drunk i maybe have 1 glass a month if that

i dont do drugs i dont even take medication as it does not agree with me and i dont feel like me on them this has always been the case with me ...

its not that i havent done these things i have when younger drunk alot did some drugs

but i realized myself these where not helping t just wasnt for me so i stopped them myself

life is hard very hard support is very little for me i have 0 friends....

Some of my abusers have died both parents  and some of the others mostly from age

i was failed by every one and every thing i wasnt protected even by cps i was one person that fell through the cracks i felt forgotten about unwanted unloved alone and as much as i know my wife and kids love me it still feels that way and i know alot of that is due to bpd which is caused by all the trauma of 21 years maybe even longer

some of the things that caused trauma are below

child hood, being born different which isnt a bad thing i just think differently process differently,

sexual abuse from young childhood through to adult hood

alsmost drowning a few times 1 by accident 1 cause by dad long story short he took me out in a aboat about 2 kms from shore and tossed me over the edge and told swim to shore or drown and he left i managed to swim i didnt know how doggy paddled for hours

mental abuse physical abuse verbal abuse neglect or all sorts

age 7 i had anorexia nevosa and was in childerns hospital i was also in psychiatric care  from age 7 to 10 was sent to mental health hospital for a while as well

i dont remember these but they are in my childhood medical records at least in the ones i got

i had a cps protection order also in my records

none of this i remember and its very frustrating not remembering it

i was raped a few times at different times i was molested alot by up to 8 different people

is it really any wonder i dont remember any thing even the good things  if there was any my brain has always been in survival mode

No matter what i have been through i am a person i am me and i will never change who i am or how i am my abuse does not define anything i do it never has and nor will i ever let it

[outlander]

hi @FadetoBlack  and welcome

well done for reaching out for some support and sharing some of your story. it sounds like youve really bene through alot in your lifetime. 

do you have any supports in place that could help as well? 

please keep talking here too and feel free to have a look around and join in wherever you like. 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @FadetoBlack 

I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 

In my experience, sharing parts of our lives with other people can take an enormous amount of courage and as such, I just wanted to acknowledge this and thank you for sharing this part of your story with us 

I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’ve experienced so much trauma throughout your life and that the people who were meant to care for you and protect you hurt you in the most unimaginable ways.

Given everything that’s happened to you, it’s completely understandable that you felt ‘forgotten,’ ‘unwanted’ and ‘unloved' and as such, I can really appreciate how there’s a part of you that finds it incredibly difficult to completely trust in and believe the way in which your family feels about you. 

As I continued to read this part of your story, I felt concerned when you shared ‘even though I been through so much I’m still here I find a reason every day even if it’s just my wife and kids as a reason I only need that one reason to stay’ and as such, I just ever so gently wondered what this meant for you?

I’m so sorry to hear how isolated you are and I’m really pleased that you made the decision to reach out here for support. In my experience living with complex mental health issues and trauma can be incredibly lonely and at times it can be really difficult to find a safe space where we can share our experiences.

With that in mind, one of our wonderful forum members @saltandpepper created a thread specifically in relation to childhood abuse. As such, this particular thread provides a safe space where forum members can connect with one another and share their stories 

I’ve included the link to this particular thread below, just in case you would like to explore this further:

https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/Survivors-of-Childhood-Abuse/m-p/985786

In addition to the online forums, SANE also provides the opportunity for people to be able to connect with a peer support worker via email or by scheduling a telephone appointment.

I’ve included the link below, just in case this is something that you would like to explore this further:

https://www.sane.org/peer-support

Furthermore, SANE provides additional support to people through their Help Centre 

Basically, the Help Centre provides a Helpline that’s staffed by qualified mental health professionals. As such, they provide support to people who are living with complex mental health issues.

Furthermore, they also provide support for people who are caring for someone who is living with complex mental health issues.

I’ve contacted the Helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt supported and understood 

If you would like to contact them, their telephone number is: 1800 18 7263.

They operate Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm AEST.

In addition to telephone support, they also provide support via web chat and email.

Although you’re more than welcome to contact the Helpline directly, sometimes people find it easier to schedule an appointment via the online portal, as through doing so, you can guarantee that you’ll be able to talk with someone on a day that best works for you   

I’ve included the link below, just in case this is something that you would like to explore further:

https://www.sane.org/counselling-support/sane-support-services

I also wondered if one of our special events known as Topic Tuesday may be of interest to you 

Basically, Topic Tuesday is a live online discussion that’s facilitated by a guest speaker who has expertise in the topic that’s being discussed.

Earlier this year, our Topic Tuesday focused on trauma and recovery and as such, the conversations were guided by a guest speaker from an organisation called Blue knot.

During this time, our Community Manager and our guest speaker created a safe and respectful space whereby they gently invited us to share some of our experiences in relation to trauma.

Although this particular event was held in February of this year, I just ever so gently wondered if you may like to read through the conversations and the information provided by our guest speaker.

I’ve included the link to this event below, just in case this is something that you would like to explore further:

https://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Trauma-and-Recovery-Blue-Knot-Foundation-Tues...

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @FadetoBlack that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 

Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to 

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar