Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[dideoh]

I emailed my daughter to find out dates for the upcoming holidays that she needed me to mind the children. It was a short email asking the dates and I let her know that we have just sold our house. Then I said that I miss her and " love Mum". Her email response was a longwinded blast and abuse towards me that really upset me. I find it unbelieveable that she blames me for so much and is so angry towards me. She has no idea and no intention of seeing that there are 2 sides to a story sometimes. She will not even consider my perspective.

I lived with her father for 20 years, He would threaten suicide ever 6 months or so if I did not comply with his sexual demands. About 20 years ago, he was murdered and the police pursued it as an " assisted suicide". It went to trial and there was a hung jury so it went to trial again with another hung jury. I am sure it was an outright murder but it took a long time to come to that understanding. A young family coming home to their isolated rural property found his body. It was not a pretty site. I will not describe it as it was horrific.

i grieved for that young family and all that they had to endure. They were terrified that there was a maniac loose. then the police interrogated them as suspects. I was a suspect. I felt ashamed that my husband had involved other people in his demise. I hid my grief and shame from my children. I went to the court cases alone. In my mind I would go over the scene for the young family and how they must have suffered. A year later, their marriage broke up and she moved 2 doors away from me with the children. One day I finally gathered the courage and went to see her and tell her I was so sorry for what she had been through. I told her what I thought it must have been like and I was spot on. We talked for quite a while and it really helped us both.

So I know what it is like to live in a house constantly wondering and worrying. It took 10 years to overcome the worst of that grief after his murder. I can talk about it now without falling apart. I see my daughter now looking sounding and acting like her father and i grieve for my granddaughters. My 14 year old shuts herself in her room as she has told me being around her mother's depressed state is too hard.

My daughter is now really angry that she has to stay alive because of the children. She cannot see how much she has to be thankful for. She lives in a nice home, in a nice area, she is attractive, has almost finished her degree with high distinctions (part of the reason why she is so stressed), has beautiful children, and so on and so on. She is focusing on me and that I did not call her enough after her attempt or did not wash her floor as she asked and just spent 3 days cleaning her house for my own benefit. She is angry that her parenting is being watched now because i rang 000 and have spoken to a variety of people about my concerns for the children.

I listened to a podcast by Philip DeLuca a Licensed Clinical Social Worker - but he prefers to be called the Un-Talk Therapist. He talked about the amagdalia and the fight flight response. I have read this stuff before but for whatever reason, his explanation helped me feel a bit calmer. As he rightly pointed out, if I reacted to my daughter's harsh email, it would only infuriate her further. I have have to let go the hurt and just continue to love her. Maybe one day she will love me, tho she says she never will. I have to stay positive.

thanks for listening

[Faith-and-Hope]

Here with you @dideoh ..... that is so hard .... and it is hard to know what to say to comfort you.

I am glad you are here ..... walk along with us for a while and rest yourself a bit ..... ?

We have some threads celebrating art, cats, feel-good moments, and virtual coffee shops ..... please let me know if you would like to be tagged into one of these ......

Hugs n hugs incoming ......

💜💜💜

[dideoh]

I have contacted the carers counselling so that is a start. My husband is good to a point but can also be not helpful. Naturally he is upset at how my daughter is treating me and for the grandchildren. I have to remind him that my daughter has a mental illness, it is not just being a spoilt brat. It is very hard to remember that at times. Sometimes I think about how as a child she had few friends and that she would send them home if they did not play the game her way. Nothing much has changed for her. would like to send her to Syria or a third world country and  she if that improves her demeanour.

I want to help her but she continues to blame and abuse me and the world in general. My latest thought is to talk to a psychologist who I believe she may relate to better than her current one. This person also looks into biochemistry, blood tests, urine tests, genetic tests, and comes up with a nutritional program as well as behavioural strategies.

I am very convinced that a lot of my daughter;s problems stem from a genetic issue and her terrible diet. All the supplements she takes to counter the crap food can be worse than taking nothing. There is a very strong case regarding the MTHFR genetic mutations and the inability to metabolize folate properly. The science is now coming out to support a nutritional program to address a variety of mental health issues.

My daughter knows that I have this interest in nutrition and the role of genetics but she does not want to have anything to do with it. Instead she downs all kinds of stuff and says she is doing everything she is advised to do. The psychologist suggested she take Berocca. Berocca has lots of B vitamins and it might have a use but it also has folic acid. Folic acid is an artifical form and is not absorbed if the person is lacking the enzymes required to do the job. In fact, it can be quite counterproductive. Yet we have folic acid being added to most breads, cereals and so many food to try to counter the fact that the food has been so processed it has lost its goodness. So even eating breads and cereals can be quite detrimental- possibly more of an issue than the gluten that seems to be the fad to avoid.

Very complex stuff but absolutely encouraging with science and research to back it up. Trouble is, the average Gp let alone psychiatrist and psychologist pays little heed to it. Mental health is as much reliant on good nutrition as any other area of health. It just makes sense that if you eat crap for any period of time,it will affect your neurochemicals that help you to feel good, overcome stress and anxiety, etc, -The buidling block for all those mental health chemicals comes from the food we eat.

I thought I might make an appointment with this psychologist I mentioned, then see my daughter's GP and see if her GP might refer her. I have been to see her Gp before when my daughter was released from hospital the second time. I told her what was going on, as my daughter can present very well when she needs to. It makes me sound a bit like an interferring malicious mother. But I am not. I love my daughter and want to see her happy and she is not. She fits all the crtieria for cognitive distortions and a lot of OCD- which her current psychologist says there is little hope for her. Hence my desire to find someone who is more positive about her outcome and will help her with strategies to overcome her depression including nutrition.

I know I am grasping at straws but there is so little I can do. About the only positive thing in all this is that as I have been "fired" by my daughter from doing any housework, I am having a break for the first time in 14 years. She has no idea how hard it has been for me to keep driving 2 hours to her home every 2-3 weeks, spending 3 days helping her, then drive home again. At the same time my husband has had multiple myeloma for the past 2 1/2 years. That has been an ordeal in itself with him being so sick and needing me. On top of that, throw in a mum with paranoid dementia who I have to constantly reassure and help as she is sure someone is stealing her stuff. I moved her 12 months ago to a more secure retirement village about 12 months ago now- just as my husband was undergoing a stem cell transplant.

People ask me 'what are you doing for yourself?" I go to some counselling, I used to walk every day until I hurt my foot but starting back again now. I used to love my garden but with all the driving and caring, I have had to admit I cannot keep up with it. This week we have sold our house with my lovely garden and will move to a retirement village.

I still see my cup as half full and when I look around, I am so grateful for all that I have. I can look at the beauty that surrounds me and marvel at the complexity of the world. I like to think about how big our universe is and then how small it is. I love the colours in my garden, the birds that visit, watching their interactions. I love watching the waves at the beach and the sand between my toes. I have all of that and so much more.

thanks for listening

[williamtell]

I think we are in the same age group.

3 of our family ie parents and 3 kids have had major mental illnesses.

Like you I try to be grateful for the good things butmust admit am often quite sad about what I have lost in terms of family support etc.There is always this underlying sadness I guess.They say grief never goes away.

[williamtell]

What can I say? My offspring has been on a CTO for years ..injections every 2 weeks.I guess it has helped keep him safe but certainly not well.You seem to be from Queensland I don't know what your situation is but surely medication is needed.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @williamtell and welcome to the forums ....

@dideoh, it sure sounds like you're doing the best you can under very trying circumstances.  I think from there it becomes a matter of persevering until something changes, and a path opens to trying something else.   Nothing remains the same indefinitely, so along with the changes comes some sort of evolution.  Keeping on top of our own health and vitality is so important to being available to these opportunities, and having the strength to persevere.

💜

[Shaz51]

Hi @williamtell and welcome to the forums ....

Hello @dideoh, @Jasminej sending you hugs , how are you today

[Appleblossom]

Hello @dideoh

SO much to manage with your daughter.. Hope sharing and getting to know people on the forum will help lighten the load.

The stroke is serious but you obviusly are versed in many health practises.  DO Look after yourself.  Its time for your needs after so much stress.

I dont really believe that obedience to one's parents is always the best approach to life. My ideal is respect and talking things through.  I am sure you dont deserve punishment for a natural desire even if the marriage did not work out.

Gentleigh Bentleigh with you for a long while. You obviously have put in what you could.

[Former-Member]

Keep on writing here....you have created a safe place to go where you can release some of your pent up feelings.

you will not be judged ...

you will be listened to...

you will be respected...

self respect so very important when our maternal ties are pulled so tightly....

a new garden for you to cherish and spread your love...

the ocean...the sand...birds....nature.... Wildlife will be there for you when you need their comfort

takecare  xxx