Lived Experience Forum

[James8]

Where I work im the only male at my job, I always try to help everyone as much as I can and prove I can always do better, my boss being like a second mum to me pointed something out that I don't know how to feel about, I felt hurt but at the same time I didn't, she said that always help people and if im doing it for the praise aspect, I didnt know how to answer and I ended up getting inside of my own mind cause of it maybe I only help people for the praise and the satisfaction of knowing someone's happy cause I've done something, maybe I don't really wanna help people and im just helping them cause I wanna make myself feel better, is this a normal feeling, am I overthinking this to much or is it something else 

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[OM108]

@James8 

Thank you for sharing this important question with us. I can hear in your post, that "helping others" meets your need for support, teamwork, connection and competence. I think this question of praise and recognition is one that many (especially those in carer/helper roles) have had to face at some point in their lives.... it can often end up in emotional burnout when your own needs are not being met, despite all your generous efforts to help and support others. 

Perhaps you might be willing to consider some thoughts I have contemplated on over the years...dealing with my own personal growth challenges regarding efforts to help, support, save, fix or rescue others.

1. How does being a helper benefit me? eg feeling needed, needing to belong, wanting to be recognised for my power/competence/knowledge, personal satisfaction etc

2. How do I feel when I dont offer to help?

3. With this awareness, can I breath and allow enough space to interrupt my instinct to rush in to help?

4. Instead of feeling sorry for someone in need, can I be with them in their struggle and gently empower them to find their own answers?

I finally came to a realisation that others dont like to be "fixed" by me or to feel they cant find a solution. I know that have to fix myself and find other strategies to meet my own needs. So I take the approach that if someone really wants/needs my help they will directly ask for it and then I can willingly step up.... and if they dont.... then I can simply listen and respond with heartfelt encouragement that they will find a solution to their problem...and that I am here if they need advice.

Let me know what your thoughts are? Does any of this resonate with you?

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @James8,

I can empathise with what you've said, and it's a good thing to reflect on.

In my opinion, we are social beings who evolved to live in communities, so it makes sense that we feel happy and satisfied when we help someone. I would say most people feel good when they are able to help. I don't see anything wrong in feeling that after you've made someone happy. I think the only thing to be mindful of would be not to expect praise in return for your actions since that might lead to disappointment. And of course, look after yourself before you help others cause you can't pour from an empty cup. 

[MermaidHair]

Hello @James8, 

I think we can all be motivated to do kind and helpful things for a variety of reasons but regardless of those reasons it makes us feel good. Praise, thanks and appreciation also make us feel good, we are all only human. Doing things to make people happy isn't exactly a bad trait as long as you aren't doing it to your own detriment or putting others needs above your own