Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mumsworry1]

My daughter who is now 20 years who we will call H suffers from a Mental Illness, not clinically diagnosed as yet. She has an older sister who is 24.
We have only just been going to see a Phychiatrist in the last 4 months. After going to through the local council & neutophcologist for advice.
Here's our story:
When she was 4 she was diagnosed with a mild intellectual disability. Schooled at a specialist school till she was 16. Lost some close family friends on the way as they were reaching high school years as they thought H was "different" & wasn't "trendy" enough for them. She was basically embarrassing. She was always on the outer as she could not express herself properly & was a little slower.
When H was 15 we moved away from an area in which we lived for 20 years for a change. Things were looking good, we found a specialist school nearby to accommodate H but only to be told that she didn't need to be in a specialist school as Mainsteam would've been good with an assistance of an aide. So we transferred her to mainstream. She went down a Year level to give her more of a fair go in learning. The school & children were very kind, they were understanding & she made many friends but within 4 months things were worsening. She would come home saying she was being bullied & having arguments with most of the girls in the group. The teachers intervened & found a new group for H to associate with. As time went by H become more recluse, she would only have 2 friends. Her problem was that she still had her best friends from her old school but she felt as though she didn't want to get close to anyone from her new school so she wouldn't loose her friends from her old school. Eventually she lost her friendship with the girls from her old school & was left with one friend from the new school but most of the time she would be in a group of girls at school but they wouldn't talk to her. This broke my heart.
She still did well In school as she was determined to prove to everyone that she was smart & can do this. She was thriving through Year 9, 10 & then Year 11. Mind you this is a child that attended a special school all her life. So we were proud & so was she as she thought she would never get this far. She loved school.
Going back a bit now:
After 6 months of moving to the new area, her sister moved out back to the old area & this upset H. She then had no one, only me. I left work so that I can be there for her as a friend & a mother. She was visiting her sister on weekends. It's sad cause we have been here for nearly 5 years & the relationship with her sister has also deteriorated as you need to have patience to speak to H as she goes on about things (it's hard to explain). So H has completed Year 12 with a Cert ii in Hospitality. We are so very proud of her.
Now it's the 1st year since she's left school staying at home with no motivation in finding a job, so she is doing a 20 week beauty Course, which I am doing with her to act as her aide as well as studying myself.
I was hoping that her attitude would change & this would motivate her to do things or meet new people. No she still doesn't go out. She's met a friend on the internet & has been seeing him for 4 months. In this time if they're together & happy she's happy (but still at home & lazes around) but when they are not together, well she threatens to harm herself & myself They constantly fight but currently have broken up & this is why I am on this page. This & previous boyfriends she does the same thing. Calls them until they block her from calling & then she puts her phone on private & continues to contact them. She is very obsessed when it comes to boyfriends. We had just sought a Phychiatrist (last 4 months).after trying hypnosysis as we thought it was depression or we were just in denial. In previous scenarios I was able to control the situation but a few weeks ago H was getting violent & I decided to call the police. This was only done as a scare tactic for her, which has worked slightly. H is aware that if the police are called again, she will have no choice but to be taken away to a safe place. So when she gets really upset I just remind her of this & she backs off.
So at the moment she is up till all hours of the night till morning (as now 2.50am) hence why I am up. This is on most nights regardless if in a happy or sad mood. I need to know if there is anyone or any facilities out there like a renabilitation Centre who can help H with her issues.
These issues usually occur at night but the Phychiatrist is not available after hours & I don't want to call the police & I have contacted an after hours emergency assistance help line & they told my husband & I to just let her get her way. That was the most ridiculous advice I have ever heard. That is n a situation like this of if we feel she's getting into that situation we should let her win.
She is a very unstable young lady & I try so hard to be there for her but I am getting drained as this has been happening for nearly 5 years but worsening over the last 8-12 months.
It frustrates me that I still am family friends with the parents of the girls who dumped Hannah as they're lovely but their children are nasty & I am a god mother to one of them. Otherwise I would've cut ties with them a long time ago, or should I (advice needed) it doesn't bother H that we still keep in touch with the parents but H just doesn't have anything to do with their children & as they're older now & drive we don't see them when we go visiting as much.
Am I doing the right thing? Or is there somewhere I can go or is there more I can do?
Needing urgent advice please

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mumsworry1,
You sound beside yourself knowing how to handle your daughter. Good for you for seeking out help
.
I'm an ordinary person here & find the content difficult, but people with more experience will get back to you soon.

Given that the situation seems urgent for you it might be quicker to contact sane help directly. There's a few options in the 'drop-down' from home page but maybe try this email for now: helpline@sane.org

Moderator @Mosaic, and others check in often.
Moderators are health professionals here that monitor to forums. There's also Community Managers too, @NikNik is good to chat with. I'm just a 'chatter' supporting each other. Particularly like chatting with @Faith-and-Hope.

Take some time out today, recharge yourself with something you love.

All the best, hang in there🌷

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Mumsworry1

I'm a "chatter" mostly too, although I am nursing some pretty big family issues in the background, and I have a 20 - something special needs adult-child who I am the carer for.

Tagged you in to Hot Chocolate Anyone, which is a bit of a chat page, there if you want.

I will be dropping in to the forum later in the day.  Hope you have an okay day in your situation, and encourage you to phone the Helpline 1800 18 7263 if you want to talk to someone more immediately than waiting for answers here.

Take care 🌷

[Acacia]

Hello @Mumsworry1. Welcome to the Forums!

It sounds like you’ve been doing an amazing job of supporting your daughter through some very challenging times – no wonder you are beginning to feel drained! You’ve done a lot to make sure you’re there for her, even leaving your job and joining her in her studies. It sounds like she is very lucky to have a mum like you.

It must be frustrating to put everything into looking after your daughter but to find that the situation is deteriorating. Sometimes it feels as though we should be able to fix things, especially with someone we feel responsible for, like a child, but it often needs to be the person themselves that initiates change.

There are other members on the Forums who have been through extremely challenging times with their daughters, some who have also had to call the police. You might like to read @Frustrateddad and @JAC's conversation here. @Fatima and @Mmtcg have also faced some similar challenges.

The years after leaving school when we’re finding our place in life can be hard for everyone but can be particularly challenging for someone like your daughter who doesn’t have a lot of social support and has the added challenge of a mild intellectual disability. It’s great that you have arranged support for H through a psychiatrist.

You have also asked about other support options. Sometimes it can help to visit a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. Psychologists have a lot of training in therapeutic approaches which can help with managing the impact of mental illness in day to day life and addressing some of the underlying thoughts and behaviours. A lot of psychiatrists also use these approaches, alongside or as an alternative to medication, so it depends a lot on the individual practitioner.

There are also some non-clinical support options available through community organisations, such as peer support groups, caseworkers or social activities. Nowadays, rehabilitation usually takes place in the community with support from these types of organisations, rather than in a residential facility. As @Mumsworry1 and @Faith-and-hope have suggested, you are most welcome to contact the SANE Help Centre on 1800 18 7263 to talk things over and to find out about any relevant organisations in your area.

Wishing you all the best and please keep sharing your story.

[Mumsworry1]

Thank you for your kind words. We are working together to move forward. I actually thought we were seeing a physiatrist but it's a counsellor. Is it the same thing? As mentioned it's only been 4 months & we are new to this. It gets hard some days & I feel like we are taking steps backwards especially when she is feeling the loss of her boyfriend, who just doesn't understand. It's the 2nd day in of her break up & she's still upset but she's a lot better than expected. She would usually be crying & threaten to harm herself. I think she's still in the hope that he just needs a few days to clear his head & he'll get back with her. Once she realizes he doesn't want her back that's when it's going to get hard for her & hard for us as a family.
We are working through this together & I have now suggested she gets onto this forum so that she can see other people's experiences & share her own experiences. Hoping this helps her.

[Mumsworry1]

Thank you Tawny for your kind words. We are working together to move forward. I will look into these sites that you have mentioned.

[Mumsworry1]

Thank you Faith-Hope.
I will look into this

[Mumsworry1]

I'm only new to this site. Still learning how to get around 😃

[Former-Member]

@Mumsworry1,
If you can, move your daughter across to therapy with a PSYCHOLOGIST. Its been my experience time & time again, that they are far superior in understanding human behaviour & empowering the individual. You may even find that all too often unhelpful label of BPD will be removed.
One day at a time ♨

[NikNik]

Hi @Mumsworry1

I hope you and your daughter are doing well.

I thought I would share this fact sheet, which is a brief overview of the different types of mental health professionals. It can be really confusing!

I thought this fact sheet about the different types of psychological treatments would be useful too. It can be so confusing.. so many different types and different acronyms etc!

You can find a full list of face sheets here

I hope you find them helpful!

Nik