Struggling to be

[PeppiPatty]

Hello Aonaran,
I've been reading all posts with interest. All my friends are here.
Some last message, me thinks from kind Kirsten wrote that your name is Gaelic.....um, was that Gaelic writing at beginning of last message ?
So, your not alone with believing your cosmic kicked sign branded indelibly on your spirit.

And feeling manipulation around you.
It's not your fault. Sometimes the only time I feel completely safe is when I'm writing on Sane forums. I can be me and......feel like there's not gonna be someone expecting something in return or talking behind your back.

I went to look up indelibly but got lost in another website.

I think...in answer to your question....how do I relate to your 'fear of abuse,' ... Yes. And at age of 47 years old I realise I'm vulnerable all the time. Not last year or last week but all the time. I try and see only positive.

To help myself for support:


i usually choose a neighbour. Or make one and have that person to be my sounding board but also keep the conversations in a dialogue, not so it's about all my problems.
That can be really hard. I've chosen in the past women who like drinking, ( a lot) making sure that I'm always in their shadow. This time, I moved and chose a lady who lives upstairs from me. She's almost 20 years older than myself and she deeply sniffs all the time. Eeeeuuuggh. But we play hours of scrabble, she knows me after 18 months. Of course she has to put up with my quirks too !

Then I choose a good GP. Someone I can see a lot.

. Because I moved house 18 months ago, I chose someone who lives upstairs over having many weekly visits of coffees and not really telling her much about myself, it just came out naturally.
Ill repeat, made many mistakes of care people in the past. Then I arranged for Silver Chain to come in, social Support once per fortnight for 3hours. I get letters written, cards to people written (I like slow mail) etc. also I write lists and timetables. and I make necklaces.
I'm usually very overwhelmed when they turn up so I spend few days getting things together first.

Then of course I had MA little darling dog.

Does this give you any ideas?
I also read but for the last 3-4 weeks I've had no focus because medication messed up.

[Ellie]

My dear Aonaran. I just wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. Thanks for a great second post and opening up about yourself. Your writing ability is to be envied.

All I can do is wish you the very best for the future. Your words..... " but I don't actually want to die.  Put it into the passive-voice flipside of that:  I don't have any purpose, so no reason to remain alive" really struck a cord in me. That's exactly how I've been feeling since I had a relapse of my condition late last year.

People and their prejudices are so difficult to work out. I had an occasion once where I was standing at my small-town post office talking to a stranger (a young male) about his electric scooter when a car drove slowly past on the other side of the road. The driver hung out the window and shouted expletives and hurled insults at this person. I asked the guy with the scooter what the hell that was all about and he told me that he was into living a sustainable lifestyle and off grid and people thought he was "crazy." All that hatred and just because he was trying to save the planet for the sake of his abuser's children??

We live in a very strange word Aonaran.

Ellie.

[Aonaran]

Hi all,

I'm aware I haven't directly responded to any of the replies I've received.  That may have come across as rude or unappreciative;  neither is true for me.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say.

Part of it is an internal panic at the fear of being misunderstood.  It's happened so often, and the consequences have been so chaotic and painful, that I generally don't trust myself to speak any more.

So, please bear with me, if I give it a go.  (Or, as I see written on the Internet quite often, "bare with me", which always makes me chortle!  It reminds me of that one party I went to when I was ... well, never mind.)

@kristin, well spotted with the source of my name!  Did you recognise it, or look it up? 😉  (I prefer to translate it as "solitary", which doesn't have the extra layer of implying that it's by volition that "loner" has in English.  It's not actually by choice.)

You said:  Having lived with episodic severe depression for 35 years myself, I really understand that feeling of carting an enormous millstone around your neck physically and emotionally every day. And if you've been through that for 20+ years with very little support I'm really sorry, because that is hellish to deal with even when you have support.

Well, that's part of the reason behind my username.  I'm keenly aware of the lack in my life, ever in my life, of someone to say "Don't worry, you're okay."  And I can't help thinking how differently my life would have been if I'd had someone who did that.  It warps your spirit to be in the wrong the whole time;  every day is like walking into Room 101.  I know I'm tough, and i do acknowledge myself for what I've dealt with.  I just think there comes a time when your sinews falter.

Despite all the positive messages in the media about MI (and was I the only one who saw most of the content of the "Mental" week on the ABC a wee while back as mostly lip-service, and people reassuring themselves that they are "good" and "caring"?), I think the average person hasn't a clue how to deal with it.  I've recently lost a friend (at least, that's what i thought she was) who told me i was a bad friend to her, and that it was a personal insult, that i didn't alwys manage to be not-depressed when she was around.  Despite all our talks, she still held to the belief that it was a choice.  (I challenged her to be not-angry about it, and she slapped me.)

What might have been in the past is not now. No, and for me, that's the point.  It's not in the now.  It's the Path Never Taken.  A lot of the things I wanted for my life, in my life, will never happen now, but their shadow remains, and I ache for their loss.  I'm aware that my life has been a gradual closing-in of horizons, and I've been left in regret, feeling confined and at a loss.  I really don't believe in "hope", which i think is very much a subjective quality anyway.

But Kristin, I really do appreciate your welcome.  It was like a cup of Spiced Orange tea. 😉

Ditto to @kato , although your post for me was more like a cup of Chamomile and Spearmint tea.  My deep thanks for saying You are not Alone and you are welcomed.  That was a warm glow.

@Rick , the Poet, with such embracing words. I think perhaps we see shame as a different thing.  I'm not ashamed that I exist, and I'm not ashamed of experiencing depression.  To be honest, after what I've been through, I'd be damned concerned if i *didn't* live with consequences.  (I know I'm not alone in this, but that doesn't make me feel any better, to be honest.)  I do feel shame at many things that have happened, but not all of the shame is about me.  I feel shame for my parents, for instance, and shame for having to think of them as damaged and damaging, and shame that I didn't navigate the stormy seas of my life more successfully.  I think in the current groupthink shame is seen as akin to fault or blame, and thus is something only losers have, but that's really not it for me.  To me, shame is like a rock in the river, that is a product of how the river was formed, and that has to be acknowleged if you don't want to run aground on it.  (No, there's something more to it, but I can't see what it is right now;  I'll have to think about it.)

@BatGuano , well-spotted to you as well!  Yes, it's Moonwatcher, and something akin to your comment is why I chose it as an avatar.  It reflects how i feel life is always a learning curve, and our (my) perception of the universe is always shifting.  (It also happens to be one of my all-time favourite films!)

To be honest, much of my learning has come in reflection on why the people I've looked to for help have been so poor in their efforts.  There are a lot of "therapists" around who aren't worthy of the term.

 

To be continued ...

[Baboo]

belated welcome to the forum-

Might i add a little note: ) Your posts here are also read by others who might not post themselves yet or often- but every ones input here can bring light and understanding or support to others.

Reading other peoples stories, opinions and struggles can help so much more than we can realise some times

[PeppiPatty]

Baboo's here :0)

Often I reread people's input, and mine.

But what Aonaron ( spelt right ? ) writes about is her experience. Aonaron's experience seems to be hers and hers only, that's so interesting. I'm a big believer in getting to know yourself so I've always been floating around therapists rooms. Some who have been shocking. One therapist, who was Councelling my silly ex father in law...well I was helping him while he spoke to management about her. I couldn't get too involved because it was none of my business but boy was he been taken for a ride....

[peace]

Hi @Aonaran. I have been reading your posts. Some of which I can very much relate to and I especially like the way you articulate yourself.
I sometimes fear to post. The misinterpretation, the rejection and just plain not being able to express myself fully. So it is so nice to read when others can put into words things that I feel or have experienced also at some level. So I thank you for writing and hope you continue to do so. I find you rather insighrful and very intelligent.
Welcome iam glad your here

[Aonaran]

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@Baboo wrote:

belated welcome to the forum-

Might i add a little note: ) Your posts here are also read by others who might not post themselves yet or often- but every ones input here can bring light and understanding or support to others.

Reading other peoples stories, opinions and struggles can help so much more than we can realise some times

---

Hmmm.  Thanks for the welcome, Baboo, but I'm not sure I understand the point you're making.  Was there something about that you thought I wasn't aware of?

[Baboo]

Ha, all good- it was a complement on the fact you wrote a post 🙂 its good as seeing new people in the forum

[Hobbit]

Hi there @Aonaran how you going? I'm Hobbit, another moderator on these forums. I don't think @Baboo is on tonight, but I will certainly pass your message on.

I think the point was simply that these forums are such a wonderful and supportive place for all of us. As a moderator, I try not to get TOO involved in the conversations (this is your place, a place for you guys) but I read a lot of discussions, and believe me, I get so much hope and joy out of reading posts from all the lovely people here. It really warms my heart.

I might be often in the background, but I really feel I am journeying with you guys, I laugh with you, cry with you....you guys wouldn't be aware, but I get so much personal support from all of you. 

So there you go - just by me being a 'moderator in the background' - all the people here have actually really made a big and wonderful difference in my life.

So I would like to take this opportunity to every single person on these forums to say a big collective and individual THANK YOU!! I honestly believe the insights I have received from you all have made me a more understanding, more compassinate and yeah just a better person! You're all great!!

Hobbit.

[Aonaran]

Sigh.  I was heading out the door, hoping to see Interstellar while it was still on the big screen, but ... I looked up on the website to see how heavily booked the session was, and yep, too crowded for comfort.  I had to give it a miss.  Ended up getting frustrated, and went to bed instead.  Bummer.

Now, where was I?

@CherryBomb (hmm, I don't seem able to "mention" you -- does it not work with staff?), thank you for your understanding and compassion.  I can understand why you feel like you've lost your bounce. Like physical wounds, emotional pain also needs time to heal. Part of this process of healing can be distancing yourself from others, and finding ways to feel safe around others before you open up, and can trust again certainly hits home.  I'm not sure that healing in isolation is really possible though, is it?  It seems to me that I can only learn how to create and experience having healthy interactions with other people by creating and experiencing the.  It's not enough to only isolate myself from the unhealthy ones, although that's definitely a necessary step.  (I'm merely musing on my own perception, and am absolutely not trying to prescribe a remedy for anyone else.)

It puts me in mind of a childhood afternoon wading through rock pools at the ocean's edge (at Pearl beach, I think -- at that time, an idyllic little seasonal holiday village), and being fascinated by the anemones in the pools, who when stroked would withdraw into themselves, searhing their folds for any trapped food they might have snared but also pulling themselves out of harm's way.  After a while, they would open out again, I'd stroke them again, and they would close in once more.  Perhaps I was tormenting them;  that didn't occur to me at the time.  Do anemonae feel a sense of torment?  Sadly, I think the answer may be yes, because I noticed that each time one of them closed up as I triggered their defensive reaction, they took longer and longer to open again.  Some of them didn't open again at all, at least while I was watching.  But it was a very early experience of starting to think from another being's perspective, something that's become quite important to me.