Social Anxiety (Phobia)

[GoatV2-0]

Does anyone else here have this?

What are your triggers or what aspects of daily life tend to be the hardest for you? Mine is centered on being perceived a certain way. Being 'good enough'

In light of recent knowledge gained through therapy, I can tell I've been viewing the world through this 'filter' since being a kid. It's affected my thoughts and behaviours to the point of drug and alcohol addiction and other reckless habits from my teens to late 20's.

Having sought out help earlier from a very average psychologist in my 20's who simply gave me handouts on CBT, it kind of discouraged me from getting further help. CBT has it's place, but this stuff is so deep-seated it took me most of my life to realize what was actually going on.

Now i have kids of my own, I am very aware of how my behaviours and moods can influence them and this is the last thing I would wish upon anyone. Let alone people i love and care about.

I've been seeing a much better therapist for the last few months but in a way find gaining this knowledge about the causes of where this all has come from in childhood etc.. has kind of worsened it. As if knowledge about it has made it even more real somehow. Even though I have lived it everyday since I can remember.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had this and what has worked well for you in the past.

I know there are others on here that have had to deal with real hard life traumas and that's what makes this affliction so hard to comprehend/accept. I had a great childhood. No abuse. Nothing.

And yet I've always been on the outer. To the point where in adulthood that this condition has me over-life sometimes. I have a loving and supportive wife and beautiful kids and yet this thing is insidious. It pervades every aspect of my life. Permeates almost every thought. Has me planning out / anticipating the most mundane of tasks that most would simply take for granted as just minor inconveniences.

I've been on and off anti-depressants most my adult life and have found the (limited) benefits they give me are outweighed by the negatives, but i understand they definitely have their place in other peoples treatment.

Has anyone else had experience in dealing with this? What worked for you?

[Teej]

I @GoatV2-0. I experience much the same as you and my childhood was ok too. 

I know for me it got worse when I discovered all those things in therapy about me. Mine is not so much social anxiety but the not being ‘good enough’ and fear of failure resonate strongly with me amongst other things. 

I dont have much to offer but my experience with understanding it outweighs the ignorance. To tell the truth I think I am just coming out of the not making it worse stage and working on using the things I learned in a more helpful way. Having said that I still have a long way to go. I fall in big holes often. I experience the same thing with the most mundane of tasks becoming all encompassing and overwhelming. I spend way too much time with suicide ideation over small things too. 

CBT style therapy has not been all that helpful in the past but I think I’ll get to the point where it might be. 

My kids are grown up now and are doing ok. I think the fact that you are aware of all this and how it might affect your kids is a huge positive step. I didn’t become aware of my stuff until their teenage years. 

Also so I wanted to say that I went through lots of emotions and felt upended that my childhood was a bit of a lie or mismatch as to what I remembered it as. I have worked through this now and the emotion around it has disappeared. It took a long time to process it in a helpful way. From my perspective the most helpful things have been having good professional support and time. Time has helped I think too as you work through it all in your own time. It’s taking me a very long time but I always seem to work through this stuff really slowly much to my dismay. 

Hoping you find some of this helpful and know you are not alone. There are others that experience similar things.

best wishes 😊

[GoatV2-0]

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@Teej wrote:

I @GoatV2-0. I experience much the same as you and my childhood was ok too. 

I know for me it got worse when I discovered all those things in therapy about me. Mine is not so much social anxiety but the not being ‘good enough’ and fear of failure resonate strongly with me amongst other things. 

I dont have much to offer but my experience with understanding it outweighs the ignorance. To tell the truth I think I am just coming out of the not making it worse stage and working on using the things I learned in a more helpful way. Having said that I still have a long way to go. I fall in big holes often. I experience the same thing with the most mundane of tasks becoming all encompassing and overwhelming. I spend way too much time with suicide ideation over small things too. 

CBT style therapy has not been all that helpful in the past but I think I’ll get to the point where it might be. 

My kids are grown up now and are doing ok. I think the fact that you are aware of all this and how it might affect your kids is a huge positive step. I didn’t become aware of my stuff until their teenage years. 

Also so I wanted to say that I went through lots of emotions and felt upended that my childhood was a bit of a lie or mismatch as to what I remembered it as. I have worked through this now and the emotion around it has disappeared. It took a long time to process it in a helpful way. From my perspective the most helpful things have been having good professional support and time. Time has helped I think too as you work through it all in your own time. It’s taking me a very long time but I always seem to work through this stuff really slowly much to my dismay. 

Hoping you find some of this helpful and know you are not alone. There are others that experience similar things.

best wishes 😊

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Thanks so much @Teej.

It really does help to know there are others. I know there are others, but to actually talk to someone else about it other than a councellor is great, so thank you. Ironically talking one on one, I'm fine. Having to deal with or speak to large crowds is an absolute nightmare. Driving in my car, or being exposed in some way just as bad.

I only just (properly) opened up about it to my wife. And that only come about as I sabotagued a social outing at a very busy restaurant when meeting with friends and our kids. Again, I now had knowledge of what was actually going on in real time, but was still unable to stop it as it unfolded and this seemed to make it worse. You could say even I had a massive stigma with it and that prevented me from being open to her about it.

On the way home i basically broke down. It was just too much to hold in and maintain the facade given the week i'd had. (And I've become VERY adept at maintaining a facade over the years :/)

It's funny you mention patience (or the lack thereof) as my therapist has been trying to walk a line between exploring 'parts' (through IFS therapy) and not wanting to 'rush' things for fear of creating disappointment. She has commented on how it would be great to have all her clients as motivated as me as i tend to rush home from our sessions and explore the next guru or pdf from a respected peer in psychology or spirituality. The info she has given me has been invaluable in terms of understanding what is really going on, and early on I had 'break-throughs' where i would think i'd turned a corner... Recently, I've been bitter and down again as those feelings have left me. I'm trying to be mindful that this will be a lengthy process (maybe years, not months) before these positive changes 'stick' The suicide thing seems to be coming up way more than it has in the past 😕 

With the kids, something my therapist gave me early on about schemas REALLY resonanted with me and instantly made me more aware of how my wife and I not only talk to them but interact in front of them. We have a 4yo and a 2yo. Our 4yo has ASD and has been properly diagnosed which really does add to the stress of things given we have no family here for support either.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond and I'm glad you're starting to turn things around in your own life.

[Zaphod]

 Hey mate. 

Your story it very similar to mine.  I've had crippling and irrational social phobias for most of my life.  On an off antidepressants, addiction issues, suicide ideation, despite an awesome upbringing.  Its good that you're seeing a therapist and even better if that therapist and their approach is 'right' for you.  I'm currently seeing a therapist who has introduced me to expisure therapy for social anxiety.  You can look it up on google/search engine.  Particulaly "100 days of rejection" ...this one helped me enormously and was hilarious to watch.  The thing that captivated me was that it was fun.  I've had similar disappointments with cbt.  But exposure therapy helped me make sense of what i already knew about cbt. Im in the process now and seeing some really positive results.

Wishing you all the best @GoatV2-0

[GoatV2-0]

Thanks mate,

I will check it out. One quote regarding social anxiety and exposure therapy that i'd heard in the past that really resonated with me is 'everyday is exposure therapy for someone with social anxiety'.

Difference being that I HAVE to undergo exposure on a daily basis. Not necessarily by choice. I have to make that 1 hour drive in peak traffic gripping my steering wheel as if I'm under constant negative asessement. I have to sit in the open office analysing everything i say before it leaves my mouth for fear of being negatively assessed in some way. I have to go to the supermarket to get food and basic essentials for my family and wonder wtf everyone is staring at. There have been times where going out has been an option and I've been able to not go (avoidance which is also not good) but for the most part the day i stop doing these things is the day the illness has won.

Irony being, the more tense i become the more i 'stand out' ... the more unwanted attention i bring to myself. 

Irrational thoughts aside, of that I am sure and it's messed up.

Thanks for contributing and I will definitely look up the 100 days link and really try to have an open mind.

Its also really cool to hear that your experiencing some improvement with this condition. I hope it continues take you in the right direction 🙂 

[Zaphod]

Thanks @GoatV2-0

I hear you mate.

You're not alone and i hope to keep in touch.  Know what its like in work environments.

[Zaphod]

@GoatV2-0

Treat each day like a scientific/social experiment.  I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water in regards to cbt.  But have fun experimenting in small ways and note peoples reactions.  Start small and at whatever level you're at.  I recently went to the supermarket and purposfully asked 3 strangers for advice on picking out fruit and vegetables.  My anxiety was huge at the time.  But i noticed all 3 people stopped and conversed and were willing to converse and try to help which surprised me.  There was friendly interaction.  Stupid excercises like these can break us out of our social anxiety and, at least for me, are fun to do.  I feel more relaxed and confident after doing them.

[GoatV2-0]

Thanks bud.

I know exactly what you mean. Kind of like the initial barrier coming down and being able to just relate to someone about anything so mundane. I experience it often myself and the feeling of space that comes from it.

I know at the root of it all we're all very much alike. Many people have and experience these thiings, just not at such a hyper-vigilant level. Somewhere where it is more manageable (e.g. being able to use CBT to rationalize things a bit more effectively)

I can definitely see the merits of using CBT with folks like this and given you seem to be making some good progress on your front i'm sure you might even be starting to see how it can benefit yourself.

I think given how deep-rooted the cause of my social phobia is, I'm aware that this will be a long and challenging ride and am starting to accept that.

The rationale behind this (for me) that has really stood out so far has been IFS or Internal Family Systems. Dr. Richard Schwartz talks about 'parts' and how they can make us behave/act/react in certain ways to certain situations. What stood out for me was that by fighting these 'parts' we often make thiings worse.

There's a link to a podcast he gives (the interviewer is annoying, but he's great) that you might want to check out.

https://www.soundstrue.com/store/richard-c-schwartz.html  

[Shaz51]

Hello @GoatV2-0, @Zaphod, @Teej, how is everyone today

[GoatV2-0]

Hi Shaz51. 

Good thanks.

Another busy weekend ahead with the kids.

Weather gone a bit cooler here in Melbourne 😊