Small steps

[Breakfast68]

A week or so ago, I was at the end of a tough journey and made a decision which would have had huge implications and caused lots of loved one and other people pain. 
Basically, I confronted my wife with some aspects I wasn’t comfortable with her not focusing on our family and being more interested in friends and party events at a local club, and why my anger was always at the forefront. 
Of course I was blamed for it all and then spiralled out of control. My coping mechanism is to walk away so it never escalates to violence of any sort. But, even that was thrown at my face as avoidance. 

What hurt more was that my wife doesn’t see her involvement with the club and her friends constant drinking and encouraging her to go to every session. I haven’t drank in over 20 years and she was aware of this when we started our relationship. 

The rejection and hurt was so bad that I retreated into myself and decided being rejected in favour of drinking friends and a football club was the final straw. 

I took a near fatal step and things haven’t changed at all. Still blamed for everything and told very clearly that I have no right to tell her she can’t be involved with a football club, or go out with her friends drinking constantly. Whilst I am happy and content to stay at home with my step children. 

Have admitted myself to a clinic to be safe and to heal. But, I don’t know whether she will visit or reach out to me. Tough - when I’m trying to heal and be a better husband and step dad, but feeling abandoned at the same time. 

Just needed to offload some thoughts 

[MindfulMango]

Hey there @Breakfast68,

I'm sorry to hear that it has been such a tough few days for you 😔 It sounds like you've been holding on to these feelings around your relationship for a while now, and you've decided to try and address it with your wife. 

Although it didn't go well, it's really important to allow yourself some credit for wanting to address it! Relationships are never perfect, but communicating our needs is an essential part of it. For a relationship to be stronger, difficult conversations would need to be had, and you showed that you were willing work with her.

It's okay to feel hurt and rejected, it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to open up, which can also lead to feeling invalidated when it feels like the other person didn't listen to what we have to say.

It's great to see that you're safe, and you're taking some steps to ensure that you stay safe. When we're feeling hurt and abandoned, it can sometimes feel like life isn't worth living. However, it's always important to remember that how others treat you in a relationship, isn't a reflection of your worth. It's usually a reflection of who they are instead 🌿

You might not necessarily be able to see past the hurt and pain at the moment, but in time, you can hopefully have some space to recognise that you are worth the effort 🙌 Please don't hesitate to lean on the people, professionals, and services that can provide you the extra support that you need during this time!

If you aren't in touch with a counsellor yet, please consider talking to one, so that you can have a safe space to process how all of this has affected you. Mensline is Free and available 24/7, if you'd like to try counselling over the phone. 

Sending you some extra energy to heal, and hope that you're giving yourself extra kindness through this!

[Kashmina]

Hi @Breakfast68 really sorry to hear you are going through this. It must be very difficult to experience this behaviour, especially if you do not partake. Sometimes in relationships people drift and they see experiences that dont align with loved ones as something they MUST do.

When someone indulges in drinking as it seems your wife does, rationale can goes out the window but you do not have to keep putting up with this.

You have tried to address it and I feel have done the right thing. You must look after yourself here and being somewhere else to do this is what you need.

Maybe read, listen to some music and just take some time for you, although I know you have a lot on your mind. Take care 🙂

[KuriSun]

You’ve got this!
Everything is happening for your own growth and healing.
Whenever a negative thought arises, allow it to come and then let it go, practice impermanence.
Many loved ones may step away, sometimes only for a season, and that space can be an important part of your healing journey. Focus on your inner work and your healing, and everything will align in time.
Sending you strength and clarity.

[Appleblossom]

Good on you for managing your drinking @Breakfast68 

Good on you for caring for step kids. More shame on her that she dumps them on you rather than taking family responsibilities more seriously. Good on you for attempting to deal with all the complex feelings about the situation. It doesn’t seem as if she cares about the relationship. I know it can be hard when children are involved and step parents have very little rights if you were to separate. I was in a delicate step situation myself.

Try and treasure the good in your being and if she is not worthy of your love and trust, work on self protection and yes, some women can be badly behaved and flip it onto others.

take care 

🍎

[vcorral2009]

Hi.

That really is a lot.  I guess you went further than I have at the moment.  And I feel that I can learn something from you.  Don't be afraid to say what I have too.  No matter what, we need to get things out.  I know the outcome isn't what you had expected, but it still was very brave.  And in the right direction for yourself.  

I hope that things do work out for you.