Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sophie1]

Hi @Former-Member @Shaz51 @outlander ... not sure about you guys but I'm struggling - so many reminders this time of year re MsS's limitations due to MI and the judgement from family members and friends re that ... AND the usual reality check Christmas brings re the limitations of the family unit in general 

also my grief that socialising will always be a source of tension and anticipation and anxiety for MsS and trying to not let that impact my life too much but of course it does 

also the usual family rifts and arguments and tantrums - esp with a Mum with undiagnosed BPD playing up already with tears and swearing insults in front of young children - I find this so distressing and unacceptable and find it hard to understand how Mum can't see the damage this does to the family unit - and it's all over really really imagined problems that are not real at all - like why doesn't a distant relative call me at Christmas ?!?!?!?

just finished four days of Christmas celebrations in a row and I'm exhausted - MsS made it to them all except today which was my work colleagues party so that's ok in the scheme of things ... 

we have one day off then we are off to a family holiday house for 2 days with BPD mother and all three adult kids - two of us with partners and one child ... a recipe for BPD tantrums as the audience is so large and mother doesn't deal well with groups and not being the centre of attention ... she even gets jealous of a 5 year old (my brothers daughter) and will compete with her for attention  !!!! 

I really struggle to process this time of year ... with BPD mother , step father who passed away traumatically and too young three years ago AND my father and step mum who refuse to talk to or invite my brother and his wife and child to family Christmas since they have had a fight three years ago ... sigh ... every way I turn it just feels like a powder keg with mums temper tantrums or a fake family as my older brother is missing ... 

then MsS is of course still in major anxiety and depression land also with severe headache and migraines STILL continuing ... so I am driving the car, the organisation , the motivation and feels like everything lately ..: worried that I am heading for being overwhelmed myself and not sure what to do ... 

[Smc]

@Sophie1, some of that's a bit outdside of my experience, but we have had the experience of trying to shield our kids from my undiagnosed-BPD Mum's meldowns. Which sound like they were very similar to your Mum's.
BPD behaviour is in one sense "bad behaviour", and can be really damaging to other people, but on another level, it's driven by a deep fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. So there's that hard balance of how to get the "we love you and we're here for you" message across while still keeping appropriate boundaries.
What we'd try to do is decide in advance that if things were heading towards "pear shaped", it was a good time to have an outing with the kids. Us getting out of the house for a bit often took down Mum's stress levels to tolerable. We'd also try to keep on top of some of the basic household tasks like food prep and clean up, because part of her "no-one loves me" mental script was "I have to do all the work". I think that was partially from her feeling like she had to earn our love, and partially from her feeling abandoned to slaving away in the kitchen? Neither of which were heathy or true things for her mind to feed on, so we tried to break to break the mental loop by voluntarily doing those tasks. It was somewhat successful- I won't claim complete efficacy.
So would it work for you if you mentioned sometime shortly after arriving that you'd like to go out to a certain place at some stage, but try not to let it turn into a big-production highly-organised outing- just a casual "at some random time we'd like to wander off and...."? If she knows in advance that you want to get out and about a bit, hopefully she won't interpret it as "running away from her".. even though on one level it is. If it's also giving her some space to regain equilibrium, it's "running away" for her benefit as well as yours. If that doesn't sit well with her, perhaps a more direct "there's a lot of people underfoot when we're all together. Would you like us to set a time each day when we all go out and do our own thing for a bit, so that you get some breathing space? Or so you can go out somewhere yourself?"
The BPD thing of feeling unwanted is very deep seated, so I know that no approach is going to solve that altogether, but I hope you can find something that works in your situation.

[Former-Member]

Is it possible to get any time out for yourselves to temporarily escape the family dramas @Sophie1?

[Sophie1]

Hi @Former-Member and @Smc 

Thankyou for your advice - really great solid ideas 

I found my alone time cleaning the bathroom for 5 hours today !! Sounds nutty but I loved it and the shower has been my nemesis for a while now so I'm well pleased with the results 

was lovely to feel positive about achieving something and also not have to think or talk or interact - very relaxing 😌 

[Former-Member]

If you ever feel the need to get away for 5 hours again, my bathroom/shower will readily be made available to you @Sophie1 😁😁😁

[Sophie1]

Hi @Former-Member @Smc @outlander @Shaz51 @Determined 

MsS depressed and in a state of constant headaches at the moment and migraines a few a week ... in bed almost all time .. I have been doing ALL the work and organising in the house ... 

feeling overwhelmed - have some new treatment options queued up for MsS headaches in the new year ..  but for the next week we will be travelling to see MsS family interstate ... i offered to cancel the trip but MsS wants to see her family with or without the headaches 

so now I'm procrastinating on doing dishes , watering garden , folding clothes so we are ready to just do final packs and make our flight tomorrow

today I am sad to be doing this all alone 

[Former-Member]

Yikes @Sophie1 

Depressive phase = ☹️☹️☹️

Will you get a breather while you are away.

[Sophie1]

@Former-Member  it's only 4 days if exclude arrival/departure days 

possibly mornings and late evenings may be my only chance to be alone .. they live near a beach so I think I'll take myself out for walks to take photos and have time out esp first thing

how do you keep yourself going when you MrD isn't functional ? 

[Former-Member]

@Sophie1 once I was able to relax that Mr D was no longer suicidal (and only then) I held on to the hope that the darkness would lift. I kept up hope and positive talk that we can live well in spite of a mental health diagnosis. In an act of self care I got help with cleaning and a friend kindly paid for someone to help in the garden. 

At the time I was not happy with the treatment being given to Mr D and spent a lot of time researching mental illness and it's treatment and I advocated very strongly in relation to this and I think it gave me some sort of purpose. He had a lot of medication induced sedation and slept all night and  most afternoons. As the crisis meds were withdrawn things picked up.

[Sophie1]

Thanks @Former-Member  ... I will think about where I could ease the load a bit .. 

something I've been thinking about is giving myself another term off Cello lessons as I'm struggling to find time to attend lessons , practice in between lessons whilst also juggling work and rehab for my hip which still troubles me ... 

I would love to have a bit more breathing space before and after work so I can maybe go for a swim or just relax ... otherwise every minute of the day is jammed with activities and I am easily overwhelmed even when MsS is semi functioning