@Historylover Here goes. I am suicidal and have been fighting this all year - trying to find ways to combat this feeling. I have no family and no friends. I have tried talking to every source available to me but nothing solves the problems I am facing - only I can solve them and they are just too overwhelming.
My psychiatrist used me as his test case to see what could be achieved when notions of 'mental illness' were discarded and treatment for consequences of psychological abuse were used instead. Healing the wounds. He restored me completely - while my life fell apart around me.
I can't blame him for my dysfunctional family - of birth, my own or my extended family. There is no unity. I thought he had been trying to help me bring everyone on the same page. We worked as a team. Restoration of families. What a nice idea. As an example, I researched my genealogy and tried to bring about a team project within the extended, interstate family by trying to get everyone to contribute copies of anything of family history interest they may hold to the records which all could then photocopy. A family project. Get together at my parents' home where the files were to be kept, chat, have a cup of tea. Sounded a fabulous way to bring everyone into a cohesive group. No-one would co-operate. We even worked together on a project helping the homeless.
That was post-marriage/family breakdown. As I had become more restored, my husband could no longer control me and put me under more and more pressure to break me. He couldn't so he went off with a workmate. I made the decision to give up my daughters to him so that for the first time in their lives they would have stability and not be torn between conflicting parents, waking up in different beds depending on which day it was. They had lived in three states, attended six or eight schools, lived in even more houses and it was time for stability in their lives - not more upheaval in their adolescent years. It was not an easy choice but made in their best interest. I had no choice.
Of course, the new woman and my husband poisoned my children against me and after almost four years of living together, he divorced me and married her. He had had a foot in either marriage option to ensure he got the most favourable outcome as the situation evolved, but as he couldn't break me, he married her - her third - as close to my birthday as possible. I have not seen my daughters in 35 years. I had always held out hope that eventually they would think for themselves.
There has been so much trauma in my life and in those years since the breakdown of my family. My physical health broke down completely.
I don't know what to make of my psychiatrist.
We worked as a team. He guided me, protected me, educated me etc. All my life I have experienced inter-personal relationships which only worked when I took a subordinate role. My psychiatrist would not allow me to do that so I simply didn't try any further futile attempts to fit in. I was too ill anyway. So I have been isolated now, since finishing my treatment, for 20 years. I kept busy - studying, gaining new skills and quietly recovering. Why did I let it go on for so long? Because our relationship was that of two kindred spirits and he had offered friendship when my family was restored. I did not wish to rush things as I thought we were trying to solve my family's problems - not simply put a patch on them. Cure takes time. I simply got on with my life while I waited for him to establish the social group I was to be a member of. I know doctors and patients do not usually socialise but our relationship had been out-of- the-ordinary and we had been deprogramming for 20 years. It was one of pure friendship based on the teamwork we had had.
Early this year he told me, after I had waited 20 years, that I was more trouble than I was worth and the offer no longer stood.
He had given me financial advice which had left me in a very difficult position - I thought he had sound reasons for his advice. All other advice had been sound so why would I not believe him? He had shown himself to be beyond reproach. I had built my life around his offer and now was abandoned. I was suicidal.
I have discussed this with a number of GPs, a psychologist, psychiatrist, call centres etc. as it just doesn't make sense that he would do something so out of character. He is retired but has a website for e-mails. He is the only one I can talk to. He understands me. I e-mail him. How sad is that? The person who did me such harm is now my confidante. I think he is enjoying my pain. I'm not sure if he did this on purpose or if he got cold feet. It doesn't make sense.
Please don't reply if you only wish to say you feel my pain. I hurt terribly. Please genuinely care.
