More and Bigger and Better

[Techunique]

I've been really strugglin recently, but it has finally been paying off too. I've been searching for over a decade now for a way of living with schizoaffective disorder. It's been very difficult. The compulsive or circular thoughts are my biggest enemies, but I have treated them as friends, which is to say I spend most of my time with them, but I've recently learned how to accept them. well, maybe accept is a strong word. I've learned how to tolerate them. I simply acknowledge they are there and replace their powerful emotions with a simple sentence, it may not work well but it works better. I just tell myself "I am more than this, I am bigger than this, I am better than this." It started as a self-pity mantra, but eventually I realized it's the emotion behind the words rather than the words themselves, I'm a big mind (we all are) so I truly am more than this. I am bigger than this, and the the very fact that I am more and bigger means that I am better. It's still very tough and the mantra doesn't always help, but it's good to have a little refuge in my skull I can visit sometimes that will rest my soul for a bit. I never realized how very tired I am. not frustrated not sad or hateful of the thoughts, just weary, deeply weary. I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm moving down life's road again, not the manic pacing from elation to depression and back, but actually walking slowly forward through life. The scenery changes slowly but at Long Last it is changing. Glad to be here, which is a big deal for me.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. they have been instrumental in making me realize that I am Bigger, Better and More. Also, that I am far from alone, I'm sad you all have to be here but I am grateful beyond expression that I'm not Alone.

[Appleblossom]

 @Techunique

[Neelix]

Hello @Techunique I have scihzoaffective bipolar as well and I am similar to you with compulsive and 'circular thoughts'. I like those words 'circular thoughts' - it does describe how my thoughts are. I didn't get lonely as well? this behaviour kept me company - sad I know, perhaps more so busy rather than company in hindsight. I can say that I didn't have self-pity or acceptance it just seemed normal to me and others had something wrong with them lol People tolerate me. I jump topic's when I chat, I let my thoughts out and just say what I'm thinking. I do experience relief this way and I am not as irritated or get angry with myself.
Your mind sounds similar to mine where it is busy, curious and likes to learn. I use to read a fair bit simply to distract and as I have insomnia but I tell myself now my mind 'needs food' lol and it teaches me to focus for periods of time. Like? when I cook I focus on the food, preparation and the yummy outcome. This may seem weird to others but it is difficult for me to focus.
I wish I could write everything I am better expressing in 'writing' than talking. I've realized I need visual prompts to focus and apart from carrying around 'little cards' to get things done in public it does help me.
I use to be weary. It was tiresome to focus and drained me of energy. I will admit I wanted to 'hit' my head.
I am constantly manic and people around me get concerned when I pace, shake my legs or up and down in a chair. But I think in my mind I'm not harming anyone or in their 'bubble' so to speak so why not move around.
I hear you and can relate to what you say tho our expression will be different. I am glad you are here too. Cheers

[tennisstar]

Hi there @Techunique,

It sounds like things have been very hard for you not only recently, but also for the last decade, where you have been trying to locate an answer for living with schizoaffective disorder. That must be exhausting. I'm very pleased to hear that you're learning to tolerate the intrusive and repetitive thoughts that you experience, are recognizing their presence, and are replacing the thoughts and emotions that surface as a result of this condition with positive self-talk. That is a big credit to you, as I understand that can be very hard. Though these intrusions can be overwhelming, it is great to see that you have a shelter and strategies to use that can put you at ease for a while. Although it has taken some time, it sounds like this approach is really working for you. Perhaps @Bunniekins and @frog can share there experiences on what they have found helpful? Have you been in touch with any mental health services @Techunique? 

[Bunniekins]

@Techunique Hi Techunique like yourself I have schizoaffectieve disorder. I am very lucky to to have found a wonderful psychiatrist who has me on the right medication ... funnily enough not enough to totally deaded my rather wild side but enough to keep everything under control. 

I am currently studying which I am finding trains my mind to stop running away with itself which is also  a good thing. Teaching it self control. I find self control hard as my other diagnosis is bp1 and when I become manic I am a bit over the top and do many things that I regret later on ...

I still have to learn more stratergies to keep reining myself in but I am getting there. 

[frog]

Hi @Techunique it sounds like you are making real progress. I know the deep weariness of being with troublesome thoughts. I have Bipolar 1 and GAD and feel like my mind has worked against me most of my life. I love how you said more, bigger, better. One of the things I try and do with my thoughts, with mixed success, is make space for them rather than focus on them - another form of acceptance. Russ Harris, who wrote the Happiness Trap, talks about turning off the struggle switch. He says that by struggling, wrestling with difficult thoughts we add another layer of suffering. I find that meditation and mindfulness helps me with acceptance, making space and turning off the struggle switch. It's been very slow - a six year journey so far - but like you I feel like I am taking steps along life's path. While I wish the weariness would ease, meditation is a little bit of respite. Thanks for sharing your story. I came to the forums looking for solidarity, and I found it.

[Techunique]

Hello all! Sorry for the long absence but electricity has stopped being a part of my life by and large. Since last I logged on here I have moved almost two thousand miles and now I live isolated on the top of a desert plateau (called a mesa locally) I have no water electricity or any modern amenity. Bliss. Not without setbacks, obviously, but I feel that I have continued the progress I had started when writing this post. My mind is still unquiet but I am more able to deal. I haven't been hospitalized in a year and I am a qualitatively better person than I had been across the board. I love life, I, who had a weekly psychiatrist visit every week for a decade and started each session with "I still want to die." That person loves life. (It is worth noting that I do not type this from a manic state or wonderful emotion, I ended my relationship today, I'm depressed. But, I also Love Life)

As far as mental state I have 9-11 screaming whispering terrible tenants in my belfry on the daily and regularly see horrors and people who do not exist. I havent slept more than an hour in a night for three or four months and my anxiety is through the roof. But with my progressive system of analysis and emotional excersizes I'm pretty able to seem almost normal on any given day. Feeling good.

Overall.

[Bunniekins]

@Techunique Hi Techunique you sound like you are having a fantastic adventure 🙂 I envy you (in a nice way). I am picturing you ontop of this mesa wind rushing through your hair looking out into the horizon. How fabulous is that! Am so happy that your health has been good with no recent hospitalizations (may it remain so). Just take good care of yourself. greenpea 🙂 xxxx