Mid 50's friends drifting apart

[Ricardorider]

Am  finding that as Covid restrictions have lifted my freindship group has drifted apart. Most of my mates have been married and now divorced. The stats dont lie my age bracket has kept up with the national average

We used to go to the footy (AFL) most weeks get out n about, Now we are older plus covid and job loss I find we are just acquaintances

I need to make new friends clearly

Am single never married, not found the right girl to go that extra step with

Have had a breakdown through work and suffered anxiety depression & PTSD which through a lot of hard work I have got on top of and am talking years of counselling.here Mindfulness ACT !!

Have had some good jobs in recruiitment so i know about life and loss. But the loss of my mates, some have new partners who i dont get on with. Not that their ex wives were freindly towards the end either.

Its a shock to the system  that sounds a bit weak doesnt it. 

one of my 'closest mates has been retrenched. With my recruitment background i reached out was met with silence, IMHO depressed and stoic. But was told today by another acquaintance to leave him alone he isnt in the right place to talk.

So life rolls on doesnt it

Am seeing a psychologist my sister is going thru hard tomes after a DV relationship breakup. She is taking her pain out on me with silence. WTF did i do to deserve all of this?? i disowned her before christmas last year. That was the timing not just walk away it was talking to my psychol and the realisation my sister wasnt interested in being  asister wither right now or ever again.

So christmas on my own a real challenge I needed lifeline to help me through things just to talk to someone about the pain.

Come full circle with the friends are now acquaintances.

So I vacuum my conscience to all of you and look for some help 

Thank you for reading

RR

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ricardorider 

I also have connection as one of my core values and can empathise with the amount of change & discourse that the past few years have really brought up during these covid times.

Friends drifting apart and especially at a time in history where connection has been majorly hijacked with the various limitations through lockdowns, ways of staying connected and the stressors of things unknown I feel has amplified that.

I can hear that you value connection and have tried to stay connected to one of your close mates and offer support but perhaps he might be more in a place to receive that at another time.

Have you got any other interests where you might be able to connect with others that are like-minded in that way?

Friendships take time, effort & reciprocity which I find somewhat difficult when I’m at the place of really feeling alone. But I hope that your efforts in wanting that for yourself bring you what you’re looking for. As it’s absolutely possible.

Flybluebird

[Willy]

Hi Ricardorider,
If as you say the “stats don’t lie”, here is another one for you. Approximately four and a half million Australians (20%) are in a somewhat similar position to you.

I don’t say that to dismiss or trivialise your own suffering but to simply say that you are far from being alone. The four and half million are those who have actually reported mental health issues. If you included the unreported, that number would probably be very much higher. In other words, the sort of problems you talk about are a part of the human condition.

One way of looking at mental health that I find useful is  known as the mental health continuum model. This model applies to everybody, not just those deemed to be suffering from some form of mental illness. What it is saying is that everybody at any point in time is somewhere along the line from positive healthy functioning (Green) on the left to severely impacted everyday functioning on the right (Red).

Some of my friends with mental health issues seem to really like this idea. First it helps deal with the all too common stigma and dehumanisation that is frequently associated with mental illness. On the other hand, mention this model to someone who firmly believes that they are above all this “mental illness nonsense” and you are likely to receive a very hostile reaction.

The beauty of the continuum model is that if you are experiencing mental distress, rather than concerning yourself with “getting better” you can just work at trying to move towards the green section a little bit at a time. It can be comforting to realise that all of us live on the same slippery slope and need to be ever vigilant about sliding into the red zone. We can also take the view that those who do manage to stay more or less consistently in the green zone may just be a bit more skilled at navigating the stormy waters of life and perhaps these skills are something that can be learnt. Again this learning can be done just a little at a time.

Peer-to-peer support
In my opinion, friendships are a very important part of maintaining positively healthy functioning. Many years ago I joined a mental health support group. I was very uncomfortable at first. I found myself amongst people with some of the most serious mental health issues you could imagine. Once I got used to it I felt really at home with some of the bravest, kindest, most caring people I have ever know.

Somehow it all worked for me and within about 6 months I had turned my life around. It would be wrong to say I didn’t still have significant problems but I felt that I was at least heading in the right direction towards the green zone. We often supported and encouraged each other to do the very opposite to what professional mental health experts said we should be doing. We had learned from our own life experience that so called experts didn’t always have the right answers. In any case it was our lives at stake, not theirs.

Eventually this created problems for all of us. Certain medical and psychiatric professionals became aware of what was going on and starting expressing concern about a group of people with serious mental health issues supporting and helping each other. The fact that we were also at times defying conventional wisdom and their authority was anathema to some of them.

That fact that it worked quite well and was able to provide a service that was not otherwise available was completely lost on these people who with funding from the Victorian government to pay their wages eventually moved in and took over. Those of us who made up the original groups (there were several of them) were pushed out because we “had the wrong attitude”

While this was the end of our regular weekly meetings, many of us kept in touch and supported each other through difficult times. Unfortunately most of these people have now died. Many of them way too young - a legacy of high prescribed levels of anti-psychotic and other medications.

To find a friend be a friend
There seem to be a few different peer-to-peer support groups around these days. If you are a moderately enterprising sort of person it is also easy enough to start your own. Check out the local neighbourhood house, civic or church hall for an inexpensive or free place to have a weekly meeting. Put some flyers around or contact the local community radio station for a free plug and you’re on your way.

The job of running such a group is to open up and lock up the meeting place each week. Turn off the lights at the end of the night, collect some coins from those who can afford it to pay for tea , coffee and biscuits and pay the meeting place rent if any. That is all. Each week the group can elect someone to be the leader for the night and over time you will probably evolve some sort of routine or nightly program. Long and lasting friendships are likely to develop from this type of simple arrangement. You can of course extend these sorts of arrangements with online interactions but I personally feel that regular physical connection is important.

If you are joining an existing group just be on the lookout for toxic professionals who sometimes try to take over or run these sorts of groups. The problem, technically known as counter transference, comes from people with their own deep seated issues who take on the task of trying to help or lead others without first dealing with their own problems.

This is definitely not a criticism of all mental health care professionals. There are some very good dedicated and caring people our there doing a wonderful job.

What you are looking for is friendship, not dictatorship so if you encounter a group where someone appears to be in charge and they start telling you how to run your life then I would very quickly head for the door. In a healthy group, which doesn’t necessarily mean that the individual members are all that mentally healthy, a dictator or toxic professional will quickly be made to shut up or will be shown the door.

Even the strongest friendships can fade over time. People die or sometimes move away. I recently came to the realisation that my own friendship support group had become impoverished. I had a collection of fair weather friends who in reality were just acquaintances. I needed to rebuild my support group. I sent an email to all these so called friends telling them about my mental health history. You couldn’t see some of them for the dust.

Not all the people in my new support group have serious mental illness but some do. I can say however that every single one of them is at least a little bit crazy.

Companionship and Compassion are at least as good as anti-depressants and a hell of a lot safer and cheaper.

Regards
Willy