Making mistakes and falling out with friends

[Desert2023]

Hi everyone, 

I’ve found myself here because lately my mental health hasn’t been great. When I have conflict with people it puts me in a very negative head space about myself thinking there is something ‘wrong’ with me and I’m a bad person. So rather than being truthful about how I feel, I usually bottle my feelings up. I’m not good at expressing myself. This happened with one of my best friends who did something which hurt me. We had a couple of discussions about it and after a while I found myself apologising and forgiving, when in reality I was still upset with her.

I then ended up having a few wines and posting something on social media on her birthday which was clearly a message intended to hurt (I posted a photo with other friends of mine saying that you realise who your real friends are etc). It was so stupid and of course, she unfriended me completely. 

I made the mistake of posting my mistake on another online forum for advice and became the target of abuse. A lot of people said how wrong I was, that a 33 year should know better, that I was stupid and immature and what a horrible thing to do to someone. It sent me into a total spiral and I wondered how people could be so mean. 

I ended up reaching out to her, apologising and taking accountability. Deep down I’m glad the friendship ended because I too wasn’t feeling valued by her.

But we have mutual friends and the idea of her now going around telling people I wrote something vindictive about her makes me feel awful. I feel like such a people pleaser and am annoyed that I couldn’t stand up for myself to begin with and keep apologising for myself. 

It’s really starting to get me in a very negative mindset. No one seems to understand. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you 

[tyme]

Hey @Desert2023 ,

Sounds like a challenging situation. I see you realise you made an error and you did apologise.

I can also understand how she may be still quite hurt about it.

Is it possible to post a public apology?

[Desert2023]

Thanks for the advice. I don’t think it would be necessary because the only two people I have on social media that would’ve known are her boyfriend and another mutual friend. 
I guess there isn’t much I can do now that it’s done, but if anyone has advice on how to work on not bottling up because this is my problem. I find hard conversation very painful and will avoid at all costs. 

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @Desert2023 .

We've all made mistakes - some bigger than others. I know I have. And if I could turn back the time, I would. But I can't.

For me, it was about being able to acknowledge the wrong and move on. I know it is hard, but it's do-able.

[Desert2023]

Thank you. Yes, I’m at the acknowledgment stage but moving on can be so hard. 

[David_888]

@Desert2023 

It sounds like some sort of court battle.

Stop trying to convince them and just be with the people that end up wanting to be with you.

Otherwise you will live constantly 'on guard' for defending everything you do.

[David_888]

@Desert2023 

The sub, the con and the suss.

Which we shape from electricity going against our head.

Will be hard to deal with if you live in an 'on guard' state of defending everything you do. 

[Salvia]

I can do relate to to these feelings trying to navigate relationships, the self doubt, always being the one day to eat humblepie, hating myself for not having more backbone (like them!)... ...
I think its not hard being a San sd itive person, and being messed up up were forever second guessing our interpretations, and presuming that we must be wrong. Reminds me of of a battered (abuswd) qhousewife, so i wonder if it's t h a result of accumulated trauma?. Makes me feel so alone and unloved/able. It's painful. I  withdraw, feel more isolated and go exhaust myself more challenging every minor detail. So ### stupid! even today I was beating my forehead to try to stop the thoughts of 's to, what, how, why...

I don't know how to fix it for us,

Just want you to know youre not alone, but also, it comes in the seasons, rid iit out,

"those who matter will understand, those who don't, dont matter"

[Desert2023]

Thank you. It was comforting to read that. And yes, there’s more work to be done unpacking some conditioned trauma responses.

Time to focus on me. I appreciate you sharing, it did make me feel less alone in this mind battle.