Just so lost

[Violet72]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, am actually new to this whole online support thing too.  So bare with me if I appear like I have no idea what I am doing!

To sum up my situatuation - here goes ...  Have recently lost my job due to a workers compensation claim that my employer thinks is a fraudulent claim, but of course it wasnt fraud.  Therefore I am injured and unable to work.  I am taking this employer to court and fighting this but its not looking good.

My partner of 5 years has been rather uncomunicative with me for some time, I know something is wrong with him by the way he has been pulling away but when I ask him, he just sits there.  I know he's been depressed for a very long time (undiagnosed, although I do know the signs, I've been there too).  I hoped that I could be a good example for him.  Now, I'm dealing with depression myself.  And he's been acting quite narcissistic lately and seems to have no concern for me and my wellbeing.  (And doesnt see an issue in that).  He moved out 4 days ago, my choice.  His anger has been completely off the charts for about the past year - he also doesnt see that either.

We argued 3 days ago, and that pushed me over the edge, I was ready to end my life. I'm only just holding it together now, I live alone but have 2 cats that are dependant on me.  I DO know that I'd be harming them if I did something to myself.  But I'm destraught that my partner doesnt seem to care that much about me/our situation.  I've looked after him physically (after serious life changing surgery in past 2 years) and mentally for past 5 years, he also doesnt seem to see that either.

He is so messed up and it's made me messed up.....

[Queenie]

Hey there @Violet72 and welcome to SANE forums. 

I see you are currently struggling with a worker's compensation claim. If it is okay with you, I'm going to tag @utopia here, as she has also been through the rigmarole of dealing with Workcover and compensation (I hope that's okay Utopia?).

With regards to how your partner's treatment of you has negatively affected your mental health, do you see a psychologist or counsellor at all? If not, it might be worthwhile having that discussion with your GP who could provide you with a referral under a mental health care plan. A mental health care plan provides you with 10 either free or heavily subsidised visits with a psychologist per year. 

I notice you have had recent thoughts of harming yourself. How are you feeling now (I notice you say you are holding it together)? Remember, you can contact SANE helpline on 1800 18 7263 or on the online helpline chat at the top of the page. If you are at risk of harming yourself please contact Lifeline 13 11 14, Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467.

[frog]

Hello @Violet72 that sounds like a really hard situation. To me it's not surprising that you are struggling because work and relationships are so fundamental. I've been there and having trouble on both fronts is a tough gig. I have found the forums to be really helpful. Just being able to be honest without being judged is such a rare thing. I had no idea what I was doing for a while - it's also my first foray into online support - I wish I'd done it sooner! Do you have anyone you can rely on? Friends or family or mental health professionals? I have trouble asking for help, so I am a bit short on support, but I do have a good psychiatrist and psychologist and that is priceless. If the struggle is getting too much, finding a mental-health friendly gp is the go. Can be easier said than done, but it is worth persisting to find someone you can talk to and feel confident in, even if it takes a while. I hope you are not at this stage, but there are also crisis services. I don't have a lot of experience with them except my local Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT). I see @Queenie has some really good suggestions.

I think having pets is a good thing. My dogs help me. I hope your cats are good company too. Take care.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Violet72,

First of all, Welcome to the Forums! You seem to be doing great with the online support thing so far! Thank you for sharing your experiences around your job loss and your partner. Many people here on the forums have struggles with relationships and workplace/employment issues - you are definitely not alone!

I am sorry that you were injured, and that your employer believes your claim is fraudulent. It can be so stressful going to court, and incredibly discouraging when things are not looking positive - especially, if you lack other supports to get you through. I hope that justice is served and that you receive the compensation you seek.

I am also sorry about your situation with you partner. It is especially hard when communication starts declining and your partner starts pulling away (and or acting aggressive and narcissistic) - especially, when you have tried to support them with their own mental health and physical issues for so long. I am sure you have come to realise, with your partner failing to take notice of what you have done to help him, there is only so much you can do to help your partner.The fact that your mental health is now suffering, seems like a sign to me that you need to take care of yourself. Is there anything you do to help you when you feel depressed? You mentioned that you have felt depressed in the past, what helped you during that time?

Like @Queenie, I was going to ask if you are safe? I was concerned when you said that you were ready to end your life and that you are just holding it together. Please contact the services mentioned by @Queenie if you feel unsafe or suicidal. You may also want to get in contact with your local CATT as @frog said. If you are unsure of your local CATT's number, please email us at team@saneforums.org so we can give you the specific number. If not, you can always research it online.

 Please take care of yourself and continue to reach out.

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[utopia]

Thank you @Queenie. Always happy to be tagged when needed. Hope you are going well.
@Violet72. Firstly love the name Violet.
I have been on WorkCover now for just under 3 & a 1/2 years. Yes - a bloody long time.
I was also injured mentally in my workplace. My employer (a health network) denied all my claims. But being I was Admin - I was able to tell Workcover where to find the documents at work that would back up their neglect. And WorkCover approved my claim quickly. That is the good news.
To be honest WorkCover likes to mess with your head and increase your stress levels. Seriously. It is not an easy journey.
Being a mental illness claim - WC will send you to a psychiatrist of their choosing to do an assessment. This appointment takes an hour. Generally I get sent to a Psychiatric review every 4 months and only once have I seen the same psychiatrist twice. They like you seeing someone different all the time. Causes a massive rise in my anxiety.
So I'd recommend finding yourself your own psychiatrist to see. A psychiatrist who will work for and with you & who aren't employed by Workcover. You really do need your own. So find a psychiatrist who specialises in your area of mental health eg: depression, ptsd, anxiety, etc and make sure they take Workcover patients. Because once your WC claim is approved - WC have to pay for all your treatments, including your gp, psychologist and psychiatrist appointments.
It's also good to find a psychologist to see. Again someone who specialises in your area and will take WC patients.
So the Psychiatrist will give you a diagnosis and prescribe any medications you may need. The Psychologist is your talking therapy. Teaching ways of reducing your stress, refucing negative self talk and trying to reduce or eliminate anxiety or panic attacks.
I'd honestly be lost without my psychologist. He has saved my sanity and my life.
I'm aware I may have written some negative or scary things about WC. I don't want to put you off making your claim. Just to be aware that you are going to need your own mental health team supporting you through everything.
Sorry, I could write a huge essay on my struggles with WC. However I'm grateful I at least have WC to fall back onto and was not just left to try and struggle with my trauma on my own. At least I can pay some bills.
If you want to know anything in particular - just ask. My experience may not be the same as yours. We are all different. But there will be similarities in dealing with WC.
I wish you all the best

[Violet72]

Hi Queenie,

Thankyou so much for your kind response.  

Luckily, I got into to see a counsellor yesterday.  Funny how things happen just at the right time.  AND I somehow ended up with a counsellor that I used to see 7 years ago in a different organisation (and was so helpful back then AND she remembered me!)  Anyways, she had an unexpected cancellation and I had informed them that I had recently dealt with feelings of wanting to hurt myself or worse and well she wanted me to come in yesterday.  

Thanks for you info on the Mental Health Plan, luckily I had one in place but there was a 6 week wait on appointments to see anyone (last week was 7th week), it all happened at the right time.  Well actually I needed it months ago but well you know how it is - I was struggling with just normal day to day stuff, let alone setting up couselling for myself, as well as for my partner & I both.

About the WC thing, I am a bit more in control of that situation now, well emotionally anyways.  Ive been to first court appearance and we are still debating the evidence, so go back in middle of Feb to hash it out again.  You had the right word for it all - "rigmarole".  It's such a dogs breakfast this whole process!

[Queenie]

Hey there @Violet72, I am so glad you are now linked in with a counsellor and it is a bonus it is one you have seen before (you won't have to re-traumatise yourself by having to go over your story again with a stranger). How do you feel now that you have counselling taking place?

I'm glad to read that your WC stuff is now under control (for the time being at least). It definitely sounds a bit like to a dog's breakfast that is for sure! Remember, you can always post here and know someone is always listening.

Q

[Violet72]

Hi @frog,

Also, thanks to you and your kind words.  

I totally agree that finding a place where we can speak freely without judgement is so difficult to come by and priceless if you an find it.  

That's great that even though you're short on support that you still managed to find great therapy.  I too, have difficulty asking for help (I guess I was asking the wrong person - my partner and getting nothing in return which increased all that anxiety etc).  I'm glad I did though - just wish I had been a bit more serious about looking after me a long time ago (AND arranging counselling back then).  Speaking of support, my mother has been checking on me daily and we've had a few long conversations over the phone that have helped greatly.  I've started seeing a therapist yesterday and will as long as she will see me, also a great help.

Another point we agree on - pets   They rely on me to look after them, I am an animal lover and always will be, I could never intentionally do anything to harm them.  And really funny that my two little girls have been smothering me a bit more than normal, I think they know 'something' is going on since he left.  I hope your dogs brings you his/her fav toy when they see you need it!!  

I hope you are happy and well today.  

[frog]

Hi @Violet72 it sounds like a few positives going on. I hope the therapist is a really good fit. And it's a real plus that your Mum is checking in with you. Yes, you probably guessed I'm an animal lover too. I believe they get a sense of it when their human is sad, stressed, lonely etc. I had an ok day at work. Now I'm off to pick up my kids. They've been away for a week which has given me a bit of breathing space. They fight and both were ringing me telling me about the other. Hmmmm. Dogs are so much easier! I would love to find out more about cats because I promised my son, who has always wanted one, that we'd get one post dogs. I live in a tiny (1 bedroom) unit and can't accommodate anyone else right now! I'm so grateful for my courtyard, or dogs would not be possible. We moved here in Sept. last year. At that time my daughter moved into a share house but is now moving back. Take care.

[Violet72]

Hi there @Former-Member,

Thankyou for the kind welcome and encouraging words.  

You are completely right - I need to take care and time for myself.  Even when I was in a really bad place (while in the relationship) I knew no matter how much I was hurting that I had to be on my own to sort myself out.  I did come to realise that, simply put, he doesnt want to put in a similar effort for when I need support, consideration etc as I did for him.  BUT, you mentioned one word that broke all this down into some sort of simplicity (in a totally complicated and complex situatuation!) that word was NARCICISTIC.

I was doing research, wanting to try to understand what was going on here so I needed information.  And so many times I saw that word again, so that's what I started researching.  I'd never really knew the indepth meaning.  But once reading a few articles and anything I could find, I realised that my partner is a narcicist.  He has been doing all the points I was reading to look out for.  All of them.  And had been for some time.  I cannot tell you how much this has helped me.  I understand (as I like to beleive I am an intelligent person!) what a narcicist is and how they behave.  It also confirmed what I suspected many times earlier on, although didnt have a word for it all.  He is a damaged man, I already knew that and had a pretty bad upbringing that I assume was never really dealt with sufficiently.  There isnt much more I can do for him at this point.  Especially since he doesnt think there is an issue.  Although, I just cant get over the lack of empathy, for someone you say you love?!  I guess that's because I DO feel empathy and DO care what others are feeling (and that's how I got sucked in to this mess).

You asked me what helped me when I was feeling depressed years ago ....  Well the therapist I was seeing back then (who I saw again yesterday) educated me about cognitive therapy and distortions.  So me learning about these situations help greatly.  

At the moment, since I am out of work, which I think is a blessing cause I dont think I'd be human enough to put in a productive day so as instructed by my therapist - work on being happy.  That's what I am doing.  Trying to chill out, but still be productive around the home and simply looking after myself.

Your words had such an impact on me, that then lead me to a level of understanding to what I saw a completely crazy and insane situatuation.  Of course, you would know that then had a big effect on how I am feeling now.  I am better, a little bit broken though, but at least I am on the right path to understanding this situation.

Thankyou, thankyou THANKYOU!!!!   

I hope someone uplifted you today.