I am embarrassed

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin.

I have'nt heard FITH for such a long time. It is a favouite of mine.

Psalm 23 is my lifeline. As we have discussed in the past I have an adverserial relationship with the "OLD MAN". As a warrior in Christ I and most of my christian friends believe that is appropriate for me. But psalm 23 really exposes the underlying truth of it.

You may have read in my posting about this idea I had about making not only the consequences(ie the f*cking illness) but also the 14 years of of of of bad stuff worth while.

It came to me after a bible reading, ( of course) that the only sense that could be made from the adoption through to the torture thru to the disdain from people I turned to for help, was that it created a certain character.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not egotistical in the modern idiom. If fact I really have no or very very little self esteem. I don't like me much. 

But what I know, from all  those experience is unique. And perhaps at this time it is a neccessary knowledge that can have a positive affect on other peoles ideas of mental illness and it's behaviours.

This is all a very roundabout way of saying I am hoping that my life thus far can be made useful and that is what will make it all worth while. 

As Isaid the idea came to me after prayer and meditation on something I read in the good news.

When I became a christain I became one to be a soldier.to fight on the side of good and to kick three kinds of shite out of evil. 

And God knows I have experience evil. 

I have waited patiently for a battle to fight. I believe my battle is begining. Not a battle for survival because that's old hat, but a battle for the damaged good.

I read this back 

it's delusional and egotistical sounding but in my marrow I believe it to be true.

Hope is a form of Grace. Grace is from without. Not from within. It is a gift and therfore is not generally affected by mood or circunmstances.

It is for this reason I believe in all my dogma,

Hope endures.

Rick.

Ps. I know, I know I sound like a deluded frootloop. But well I am not sane so it's not surprising.

Feel very vulnerable tho sharing that stuff here............................... Oh well,  What the f*uck?. I can only be though of a crazy and that's not far from the truth anyway, I spose.

[Ellie]

I don't think you're crazy Rick. You just see life from a different prospective, and there's nothing wrong with that!

Ellie.

[Rick]

@Ellie 

Hi Ellie.

Thank you. That is very kind.

Hope endures

Rick

[chemonro]

hey @Rick welcome back! Don't be embarrassed or beat yourself up with labels like "attention seeker". We're all human beings here! *hugs* Welcome back.

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

I hope you are travelling ok. I've been a bit overwhelmed dealing with Christmas, for once (in 40 years) the day was ok but I think the backlash hit me after the weekend. It's shut me down. Now trying to crawl back out of my shell.

What you say resonates with me, the not liking oneself (or even self-hatred) is part of the horrible mill-stone weight baggage left by childhood abuse and neglect - as children we naturally assume it is our fault that we are treated this way. The paths, from being severely broken, to a journey in search of wholeness are many - but I believe there is a unique path for each of us. I also believe we can do much to encourage each other along the way - as fellow pilgrims if you like. I'm pretty exhausted at the moment, but rereading this post reminded me of something I wrote last year, I hope it (&why) make some sense.

A Lenten Reflection

"Mourning the death that sin has caused in our lives"
carries a dual meaning for me at this point in my life

Like everyone I have a great deal that I need to recognise and confess,
thereby allowing God's light to enter
At times this process holds an invitation
but often it is an enormous challenge. 

This Lent more than any before I am struggling with
the death that others' sins have caused in my life

Lately the hangover from childhood neglect and abuse
is so weighty I feel as if I have been physically beaten all over,
and the grief is overwhelming

Small children are very open to believing that it's all their fault
Such a lie, once ingrained, is very hard to weed out

So for Lent I am trying to give up "beating up on myself"
for all manner of things,
including sometimes having difficulty telling whose sin
I am suffering from

The road to the cross is not promised as a bed of roses,
nor as a quick fix

What is promised is a bumpy road with a companion who always gets it,
loves each and every one of us, and sticks by us
no matter what

And –
should we find the courage to open the wounds of sin to His healing touch –
a transformative journey which reshapes brokenness into beauty
and resurrects through death into life

An invitation –
to take up my own cross and follow Him
– that I cannot refuse

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin.

I am saddened to hear things have been rough. This time of year should come with a warning label. When you say you are experiencing difficult times I truly wish I could hold my hand out and you could just pass them over to me. I would pass them to the Old Man.  And He would note it down in your book as an IOU. And He would be good for it. 

 you know that family is a trigger. You know that the symptoms come and go. You know you have the strength of will and character to keep going. To keep hoping.

THAT is the amazing thing about you. You continue to hope. And you express that hope. It's just incredible. 

That hope you express, even when you are riding rough, serves the rest of us as a beacon.

Now I understand the feeling of dismissal that that statement might bring. 

If nothing else good can come from all those years of pain and deprivation then the ability to share hope is good.

I mean GOOD

As opposed to the evil perpetrated against us. 

To metamorph the evil into such GOOD is a gift of grace. That would make you gracious!

So even with that internal monolgue that runs on an endless loop keep this firmly and visibly in your mind's eye.

You find hope!

You share what you find. If that's

I want you to be willing to recieve the gift you give returned as hope.

We live in a duality. We are alone. Yet we are far from alone. When you write to me I don't feel so alone.

Thank you Kristin for this gift of hope. 

If that;s you crawling out of your shell, then I truly wish I crawled wiith such grace.

You know hope endures!

Rick

[kristin]

Dear @Rick 

Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful response. Sorry it has taken me a few days to have the space to respond.

A general public health warning would probably be apt - especially when combined with extreme heat here in the southern hemiosphere, and extreme cold in the northern.

Your generous and kind offer to lighten my burdens is so appreciated, I really don't know what to say. He is indeed good for it, and often lightens the load when I remember to offer them up. I think it is one of the things we collectively do very well here I believe, helping to lighten one another's loads.

I am humbled and honoured that you see this in me. It is what I endeavour to do, but with the full knowledge that our very humanity means we rarely fully achieve the good we seek to do.

Every time I have read this (and I have several times, including in the digest after you posted it) "That hope you express, even when you are riding rough, serves the rest of us as a beacon" I have wriggled away from it, in denial. So I have made myself keep reading it, and smiled with the statement which follows "Now I understand the feeling of dismissal that that statement might bring". I know you do.

I believe you have the same trouble here as I (and probably many others) - quick to hear and believe the worst of ourselves (even when knowing it is unfounded or unfair) and struggle enormously to accept simple and genuine affirmation. Such are legacies of abuse, and all we can do is keep doing our best to gently challenge these ingrained things in ourselves each time we encounter them (constantly at times). 

I do find hope - so much that it completely blows me away to be honest. It's a good thing grace is free and not earned, for I could never earn all that He has poured out upon me. Every time I steel myself to look into the depths of pain, past or present, in order to process it further I find epiphanies big and small. I really can't even explain very well. But they are gifts, and I find His presence is & was everywhere when I believed for so long He was absent. 

The feeling of being alone can be horrible, it resonates with a sense of abandonment. Contact with others who accept us as we are and endeavour to hear and understand us eases that pain. For the reality for such as us is we were abandoned by those who were supposed to love us, and then abused in numerous ways to boot. But God never abandons us, even when we do our utmost to abandon Him.

You are truly welcome for this gift, it is one you give too. So perhaps we can agree to be lighthouses to each other and to all who need encouragement to seek the light in their own lives?

I confess I have to laugh at the idea (mental picture!) of crawling with grace. I accept what you say, but if I do then you also.

Yes it does, TBTG.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Rick]

I think I just f#cked up again.

I posted some reviews of research that I found personally useful. I, in my twited way got hope from them.

I did'nt stop to think how others might view the black and white conclusions drawn from the research. I was looking for such answers. I think there are times I forget others have completely different questions.

I'm such a fecking idiot!

Just can't do anything right lately. I think it'll be best if I withdraw for awhile and learn some f3cking humility. idiot

Sorry people, I meant to do good not cause pain. I am obviously too selfcentred to be a decent support to anyone. It's hubris on my part to think I could.

I won't bother any one anymore

R

[Baboo]

@Rick 

I dont think you have stuffed any thing up- all of us think differently and thats ok. You putting up resources that you were interested in is good i thought.

Please dont "leave us alone' I think your input to this forum has been really good- you sharing your stories or supporting others.

Baboo

[NikNik]

Hi @Rick 

I hope you don't mind me being very direct right now in saying I think you have a very distort view on this situation (one of the crappy things that a mental illness can do!). You always show great humility!

What I read from the thread you're referring to is simply a variation of perspectives, nothing more and nothing less. On top of that, your response explaining your perspective was really clear and considered.

I think something that we all have to also remember is that our responses to each other are missing tone of voice and body language - so there's a lot left to our own biased and tainted interpretation.

This is my favourite example of this:

The forums are a better place because you're a part of it... not the opposite.