I am embarrassed

[Rick]

Hello, I am Rick.

I am extremely embarrassed by my behaviour of late last week. 

I emailed the moderators and asked them to delete my posts. I was in a rage.

I lost my temper. Blew my cool and generally drew myself away from everyone and everything that was positive in my life. 

The reasons for this are not important, what is, I without meaning to caused moderators at the forum to be concerned for my welfare. This shames me deeply. I am not any kind of attention seeker, I've worked way too long as a performing muso to need attention (.Dichotomous I know) 

I am very sorry that I caused you very kind people to worry.

The upshot of everything is that currently I cannot find the hope that was supposed to endure. It was broken. 

I am talking about this now because my Doc suggested I try and push thru the shame and become once again a member of this forum, which in a short period of time has become important to me.

I ask that you accept my apology for poor behaviour.

Rick

[NikNik]

@Rick !

Please don't feel embarrassed, shame or feel the need to apologise!

We (I think I speak for all in this forum) don't perceptive you as an attention seeker. We genuinely care. So when we thought you were a bit out of sorts, we wanted to make sure you were okay.

Like I said, nothing to be embarrassed or feel shame, about.

I could have literally just done a cartwheel seeing you back in here (too bad there's no cartwheel emoji I can use) because I'm that excited. Obviously it's great to hear your safe, but also, you have a great presence in these forums that it's just great to have you back.

Nik

[Rick]

Thankyou Nik. I feel priveliged to be able to take part in these discussions. Your acceptance of me is a rare thing in my life. I am right now shedding tears because I'm grateful to you all.
It is good to have a place to go even if it's only electronically.

I'm waiting for the hope to return but you have brought it a little closer


Rick

[kato]

hey @Rick 

don't be embarressed, you should have seen some of my rants the first couple of days i joined. let's just say, i was myself very embarressed, but everyone here, to some point or other understands the trials and tribulations that encompasses what each of us go through, and have probably been there as well.

i always find what you write intriguing, well written and enjoyable to read, i might not comment to much on what you post, as i don't have expierence in some of the things that you are going through but i always enjoy others stories, and what helps them through certain things, i never know when it might help me.

thank you for being you

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Rick, welcome back! The best part of the Forum is it anonymity.. So if you are feeling embaressed or shame or really any kind of emotion..it is OK because we fellow members, well we are in the same boat! No one will be judging you..just applauding your honesty and bravery in writing about these emotions that many of us struggle with too!!
Hope this makes sense..and wow, I think its great your GP advised you to come back..hope endures!!

[Rick]

Thanks to Sandy and Kato as well for your kindness.
It's nice to be among other frootloops.
There is a solidarity here which is most bewitching and truly comforting.

Hope......................?

Rick

[Hobbit]

Hey @Rick welcome back!! Hey I'm a muso too!! 

I played Father and Son for about 100 people at risk of homelessness yesterday, not quite Cat Stevens, but I think I pulled it off appropriately!!

Hobbit.

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

I agree with the others, nothing to feel ashamed about, and I'm so glad for all of us (you're included in "us") that your Doc encouraged you to reach out again. We would miss you terribly if you were to stay away. 

After what you (and some others) have been through it is any wonder that you feel intensely vulnerable opeining up anywhere, something which can make any of us react in all sorts of less than "logical" ways in desperation to try and protect ourselves against the possibility of more abuse. Please try to be kind and gentle with yourself about this, as I'm sure you would be with anyone else here in the same circ's.

So whilst the fire in your own hope is rekindled, I feel we might need to have a bit of a bonfire which we each throw a stick on so that there's a lighthouse reminding us all... hope does endure.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Rick]

Kristin,

Please allow me to be slightly in awe of your character.

I've read many of your posts and through all you've endured and all you currently live with, you take the time to show such grace to all of us. Not just this simple fool of a man but I've seen you pour Grace like wine onto the hurts of others here.

PLease as a personal favour to me- take some of that grace and pour it on yourself as well. For tis ever a healing balm.

And yes

though anger might try to blight it

Hope endures

Rick

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

I guess we'll just have to agree to mutual admiration then, perhaps a sub-branch of the FITH club? All joking aside though I mean it sincerely. You're no fool, nor simple either. Humble yes, in the positive sense.

As for grace what you see is the overflow of what I receive, and you offer it too (usually easier for others to see than for us). I could be cynical and say that I was well trained by my mother to be the family carer, and there is truth in that. But it is not even half of the story any more, because God has taken what was part of my enslavement and transformed it (ever so slowly and painfully) into a passion for my own growth, and for supporting and encouraging others to grow (not as I would want, but as they need).

Thanks for the lovely reminder to partake of the same balm . I try, but sometimes I forget.

I thought you might appreciate this - I wrote my own interpretation of Psalm 23 last year.

Abandoned Lamb

God broods over me
I shall endure

He brings me home safely
to my beloved mountains
He calls me to immerse myself
in the river’s healing waters

He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths
of truth and integrity
for my sake

Though I dwell in the midst
of riot-torn Chicago ghettos
I am sheltered from evil
for He is with me
He fashions a shield
from my lost grandmother’s love
to comfort and protect me

He nurtures me in the face
of abandonment and abuse
He names me His own
His abundance pours into me
and overflows

His love and grace are with me
every day of my life
And I will dwell in Him forever

© June 2013

And so hope endures...

Kind regards,

Kristin