How to come back from the edge?

[ESPI]

Hi,

I'm new here and just wanted to share what I'm felling. 

I have suffered depression since my early teens and social anxiety all my live, never had treatment or talke to anyone about this. I've never been able to connect to people except a few I can be count with my fingers.

The social anxiety was never too much of a problem as I do enjoy spending time alone but in my working life in an office setting it caused me great stress which made me dread going to work every day and having to go to meetings, I was made redundant last year, it was a relief, not having to go to the office felt great. My social skills and confidence are non existent, when I speak even to the 2 people closest to me then don't seem to undertand what I say, I ask a question and I get a competle diffferent answer people just don't seem to listen when I speak they just have an answer ( or what they want to say) already decided and seem to "ignore" me, or at least this is how I feel so I just don't even bother any more, it hurts and just push me further away from trying.

This makes me feel even more depressed, I have gone to uni and have multiple skills and qualifications but I've realised that this is not of any importance as if you can't talk to people or be a nice person to hang around at the office and talk all day long with co workers the "friendly office" is just not interested in a bore like me. peopl seem to have this great need to cnnect with other and beocome friends with everyone they meet, so they don;t seem to undrestand I don't or want need this.

I can't see the point of anything in life. I don't enjoy anything I just sit in front of the tv and pay attention from time to time to the shows that are one. At the moment the only thing that gets me out of be in the morning is having to call my dad (as he expects my call everytday) to see how he's doing as he lives overseas alone, my mom suffers from dementia and lives in a nursing home. The only thing I have to "look forward to" is when my dad dies I'll have to travel overseas to sort out my mom's care (there's no one that can do this for her, she'll be alone) and all the paperwork involved with my dad's passing as I will be responsible to handle this, not much joy or happines to look forward to.

Since I don't have anything to look forward to I practicly gambled all my money away in the last year and now live with $100 bucks in my account, what's the point in having money other than paying rent and food? I just can't seem fing anything that's worth anyting

I'm currenlty working doing deliveries part time for a really low pay that's enough to cover the basics, I've applied for professional jobs but in a constantly changing industry my skills just never seem to be good enough, never enough experience never qualified with the right softwares, having work references is also a problem as I don't keep in contact with peple I have worked with so that also scares me of.

Of course asking for help or talking to anyone has always been imposible due to the social aniety 

Anyway, hope any of this makes sence, it's a long rant 

[Blep]

Hey @ESPI. So sorry that you are in such a hard place at the moment. It is such a different and weird world currently.

I know that you have not seen a psychologist or psychiatrist about your mental health, have you given more thought to this at all? Sometimes with going and speaking with a professional can be really helpful for they can either give you the right tools to take control of your life or superscribe you the right medication to make you feel stable. If you don't want to see someone face to face their are a lot of doctors doing telehealth calls now so you can do it from your own home.

If you are feeling like all else fails give lifeline (131114) a call for the people on the other end of that phone are really quite amazing. I have personally used the line a few times and they are just there to listen and help.

Just remember that life is always worth living. It maybe hard now but there is always light at the end of that tunnel.

Blep

[Zippy]

You are good at describing your situation and feelings so you have the ability to connect. Also while you say there is no point, there clearly is as you are looking for ways to come back from the edge.  Can I suggest you keep writing here on this forum how you are going.  You have a job which heaps of people dont at the moment and that gets you out into the world.  Just say hi to people as you ride past.  No big deal! Most peoole say hi back.  That can feel good.  You might notice other people are lonely and anxious too.  Maybe your never going to be totally socially comfortable and thats ok. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @ESPI 

I think it might be a case that your work mates never got to know you  - maybe they were not worth the effort on your part however that's over now 

Small talk has a place  - that's how people get to know each other but it seems extra hard for you 

I would love to meet you  - I would want to connect with you and your ideas - which university and which campus, what did you study, how far did you go????? 

And ideas, ideas, ideas. Perhaps I'm a nerd - actually sure I am. I find people interesting. Of course some people never open up  - social relationships require effort. Sometimes it's not worth it - perhaps it would be good to practise with people you meet in the course of the day  - and start with the weather - that a safe subject

Finding common ground is the aim and it takes time 

I wish you the best  - social contact is important 

Dec