Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppiPatty]

remorse;  sorry for something you've done

                  Regret 

Its a wonderful thing to have. But i dont think  people who think they are right all the time are very nice people. 

[PeppiPatty]

i love this message about your music. Many years ago, i used to play classical guitar. 

[Former-Member]

Hello,

@Appleblossom Everybody is different. It is good to share your story to the extent that you feel comfortable it is up to others if they read it or not. I am more interested in privacy than secrecy.

@PeppiPatty You wrote "Im wondering how to change my story" this reminded me of reading a book Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I have a short quote from page 406 which seems to offer a response.

"But there is good news. The way to change a tragic drama back into a heroic one is to open the secret, speak of it to someone, write another ending, examine one's part in it and one's attributes in enduring it. These learnings are equal parts pain and wisdom. The having lived through it is a triumph of the deep and wild spirit...Any person who has kept a secret to her own detriment has been buried in shame".

She is concerned with writing for women however it seems relevant to everyone whichever gender they choose to ascribe to.

cheers,

Carer101.

[PeppiPatty]

dear @Former-Member

Wow, i am so impressed. Ive tried to read tbat book 1000 times.. something happens, it sits in my bookcase for 6 months , i give book away...and then a year later, i get given the book again. 

Thank you, it is very helpful and definately will do. 

[Appleblossom]

Yes I know the dictionary meaning @PeppiPatty

I am beginning to realise that often people use attack as a general state of being... accuse the other of being too smart or know it all or ... but then find another way to attack when a weak spot is found.

I try to be honest about my weaknesses but also try to take responsibility and not just whinge.

I dont like it when people p/matronise or pretend to be nicer than they are, too cutesy, or make false promises in a syripy tone of voice or play at false cuddles or pretend to be helpful ...

Lucky for you I am more of a "look at what I did wrong" type, than self righteous, but still pick myself up and have a go ya mug.

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

I appreciate your "Forge ahead fearlessly" line .. I have tried to do that, believed in the importance of courage or if I have fear address the fear.

I also loved Women who Run with Wolves .. a turning point book for me... the quote you cited might even be a bit why I am like I am .. 

I am not sure that telling one person has such a transformative effect if the circumstances are as complicated as mine. 

I appreciate your distinction between privacy and secrecy and I will work with it fmore or myself.

Personally, I am not sure about  the words "privacy" and "comfortable".  It is not that I dont know the dictionary meanings of them, but I dont have a lived or felt sense of the experiences. Things like showering with both sexes in orphanages .. state sanctioned virginity checks etc .. no boundaries .. and then only boundaries to suit mother's purposes.. because if I was violated (physically/sexually) she could not bring herself to notice or respond .. it was just too hard for her.

Since late 20s had chronic physical pain as well, so I dont know what it is to be comfortable.  People often talk down to me about that stuff .. I am trying to dialogue about it and not take things for granted, nor accept that I am stupid because I dont get these types of things, but perservere and be patient and try to get to the bottom of things..

Luckily my pain levels have reduced in the last 13 years as I have had some control over my home environment.

Maybe I am a bit aspergerish .. I once had difficulty with the word "like" too, but I think I am getting better at understanding that.

[JedEyeKnight]

Thanks PeeGee for the contact details for the Compassionate Friends

Just make sure everone that you use the area code (03) as this is the Melbourne number.

Thanks again PeeGee

[1997]

What a comfort to find a forum for carers. I think the last step in recovery relates to the person taking responsibility and control for their own well-being. This doesn't mean they operate in isolation, but that they respect relationship boundaries, and contribute in a reciprocal way in relationships.

We are only just beginning to experience this in our family after 18 years of walking the long hard road of caring for our son (mid-30s now). We lost count of his suicide attempts, he was sectioned 3 times, and only received the BPD diagnosis 2 years ago. We enlisted a family advocate support to work with our son and his psych to secure government housing. Our relationship with him is much richer with him out of our home.

Although he has had several jobs and career changes, he is unable to work due to debilitating anxiety. He is loving and kind, but even when his BPD is stable with medication, his OCD restricts his ability to live a purposeful life.

I have a wonderful friend, who trained as a Counsellor. 2 years ago following another crisis with him, she helped me let go of my hopes and expectations for my son, and helped me "to hold his balloon of hopes"; she assisted me to change my communication with him and stop my practice of problem solving for him. I now let him lead our communication, offer no advice, and only offer an open question style, enabling the communication to continue. In that 2 year period, my son has experienced 36 different combinations of medication to find the current combination which has no side-effects unacceptable to him. It's not perfect, as with the suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression under better control, his OCD is monopolising his thinking.

Thank you for "listening".

[NikNik]

Hi @1997

Welcome to the Forums.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. So often in these situations we look past looking after ourselves and focus on the person we care for, and don't think to reach out to professional help ourselves.

It's great that you had a friend who is a counsellor. I love that way you described 'holding onto his balloon of hopes'.

We did a poll in this community a few weeks ago asking 'what area do you need additional support in' and 100% said 'Emotional support'. I started a discussion about finding emotional support here and I would love for you to contribute to the discussion to share the benefits of speaking to a counsellor - if you feel comfortable to do so.

Welcome again to the Forums. It seems like you have a lot of wisdom and experience to share. I'm looking forward to 'seeing' you around the Forums again soon.

Nik

[Appleblossom]

Hello @1997

Welcome.

Good luck maintaining yourself with your son.  It would have been incredibly stressful to go through.

I worked a lot with open questions about 20 years ago when my marriage was still intact. .. now I am a mish mash of strategies, good will, dithering and screwball craziness.

I just have not been able to get enough support to help me maintain a consistent approach .. wits ends etc. .. but overall I think my son realises that my "love" and sense of truth and caring is consistent even if my feelings and esteem are a bit all over the place.