Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

[Elephanthart]

Ok so my Dad left my mum & I when I was 13 months old. When I was 11 years old I met him & kept intouch with him. Before then I didnt have any father figure in my life. I was over the moon to meet him & to finally have my dad in my life. However, over my teenage years he took my naivety & trust for granted. Without going into too much detail he was incestuous and always inappropriate with me. Many times I would stop contact with him because of the way he treated me, but I longed for my dad so deeply that I would always get back in contact hoping that he would have changed. I continued contact with him until my late 20s, also in hope that he would be different each time I allowed him into my life.  Then the day came, when I was in my early 30s, that I finally got the courage to cut him off completely & wrote him a letter stating why I was taking this action. I also have a half sister by him who he used to beat up. Horrible man.

Earlier this year I was told by a cousin who lived near my father that he passed away in 2012. The news hit me hard, i don't know why the news affected me. I was in shock & grieved as I would if a close relative had died. Even to this very day, I look at photos of him and I feel that I miss him, even though I cut ties with him due to the horrible, sick way he treated me. He lived in another country but I always feared that he would come back to Australia, I was scared of him. So why was I so distressed at the news of his death? Why do I looked at photos of him & feel deep grief and sadness? 

Shouldn't I feel relieved that he's gone? Relieved that I don't have to live with the fear that his may come back? I'm so confused. 

[Rosemary4]

Oh, this is so hard @Elephanthart, I'm not sure what a psych might say about the ambivalence you feel but I've had my share of those conflicting feelings and might have something to offer.

I'm wondering if your grief is due to the finality of it all? That daeling little girl within who longed for daddy, a real daddy to love her, she is feeling the loss that her dad isn't coming  back to put things right. He's left again, it hurt bad enough the first time, but this time there's no hope left. Perhaps the reality that the door has closed for ever. It's the innocent and pure part of you that's crying. He won't be coming back to fill the gap, the space made for proper dad's. It's not the ugliness you miss but what dad's should be, what you needed.
But then there's also the grown-up self beating up on the inner child a bit for not making sense. Can you comfort your inner child,. Love her. Tell her it's ok to cry, that everything is gonna be ok, we got this. Deep breaths...
Self Compassion Therapy has helped me a lot with this pain. Be kind to yourself. Finish raising your inner child yourself. It's been so hard . Give yourself time 💞
Oh, 

something else that might help... write your dad a letter, saying everything you've always wanted to tell him and read it out loud as if he was in front of you. Get it out. And when youre ready, forgive him, tell him you forgive him. Burn the letter & watch the smoke drift away out of your space.
💙💚💛🧡❤️💜

[Owlunar]

Hi @Elephanthart 

Difficult relationships are harder to grieve than loving ones 

My loving father passed nearly 11 years ago and I  was torn up even though he was in his 90s. This sorrow ran it's short course and now I am sorry - I went on with my life 

My relationship with my..other was complex and she was very angry and psychologically abusive  - her death nearly 7 years ago wrecked me and I needed to see a psychologist  - I did recover but it was hard and confusing 

I understand  - this is mind-bending for you  - I will write later on my computer  - atm I am using my phone  - I am not good at texting 

I care about you

Dec

[Gwynn]

Maybe you miss who your father was supposed to be in your life.

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Elephanthart 

I'm Rhye, one of the peer support workers here at SANE. I normally start out by extending a warm welcome to our newest members and offer them a bit of a virtual tour, of sorts, but I might leave that to the end of this reponse...

@Elephanthart I want to start by commending you for the honesty and bravery in your post. It takes a lot of courage to share your story with us, and it also takes a lot of self love – sometimes when those who were supposed to care for us as children, protect us, nuture us and help us become the little people that we were, sometimes they do a terrible job of it. By reaching out and sharing your story, I think you're doing a wonderful job of caring for the parts of you that weren't shown the love they deserved.

CSA, especially when its intrafamilial, is complex, as they say. This level of complexity can often play out with a lived experience of confusion. It's confusing to implicitely trust a parent, yet that parent betrays your trust. It's confusing to love a parent, yet that love is met with pain, and it would be particularly confusing to have felt this all your life, to have been estranged from your father and then to hear that he has passed – he has passed, but it makes sense that all your feelings have not left with him. This is your lived experience, as much as you might wish it would be buried with the man who caused this pain, I imagine your experiece has a depth that may not immediately dissipate with his passing. There are no "shoulds" when it comes to grief, and there are certainly none when it comes to processing the confusion and grief that comes along with being a survivor. All your feelings are valid. I have found that by welcoming big feelings when they come, leaving a space for them, that they become gradually less intense over time. 

May I ask whether you have any supports to help walk beside you in this grief? A trusted therapist, counsellor or friend? This forum is a wonderful place for online support, and I trust that you'll find many a friendly SANE member who can empathise with the grief and confusion you're experiencing. I'm going to tag a few members who have reached out previously, and a few who I know are very skilled at offering a safe place to land here in the forum @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @oceangirl @BPDSurvivor @Appleblossom 

Go gently with with yourself today, @Elephanthart, I will be thinking of you 💜

[Appleblossom]

@Elephanthart 

I guess grief can be layered and trigger deeper griefs. The mixture of memories and longings, loss and anger need teasing out.  Write it out, maybe as a journal, especially when bits of insight arrive, but I do not believe easy one size fits all approaches.  It is your life and relationship.  It may take time.  Sometimes we need to understand how our family members became messed up to put it in context, and then it might be easier to let go the grief. The unmet need and anger may be mixed up in the other atttachment feelings.

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Elephanthart 

It's natural for little girls to idolised their fathers  - I did and he was worth it  - every man I have ever met has been measured against him and this has always been good for my self esteem 

Your father let you down in a huge way - his bad. Of course you are hurt and confused 

Grief is complex and layered. My son died 35 years ago - it had been tough rearing this troubled teen  - I was baffled about the intensity of my emotions 

The thing I realised was how permanent death is. No more chances or choices  - it was over 

With help you will learn to manage this  - I hope you are able to access help - you deserve it 

Life will go on and it will get easier  - it will take time

Best thoughts  - Dec

[Elephanthart]

Hello Rhye, thank you for your reply.  It is very confusing for me because I hated him for what he did to me & how he viewed me, he treated me like I was a girl friend, even saying to me that he wished we were more boyfriend/girlfriend. He was a a man who not only stole my dreams of having a stable "normal" father/daughter relationship,  he also stole money from me. He was abusive in everyway possible. 

My mum and I lived with my grandparents which was a nightmare in itself because my grandmother was a naccarsist who subjected me to psychological and mental abuse. I was basically targeted from all sides.

Plus I was sexually abused by a family friend and molested by a neighbour.  (I don't know how to why I'm adding all this extra info but there you go)

As I previously mentioned, my dad gave me the hope of some sort of normality in a family sense. But that was never to happen either.

[Former-Member]

No child, nor person, should ever have had to endure what you have @Elephanthart. It's so much for one person to manage, along side the regular things that arise with day to day living. I know I asked you previously, but just wanted to check in with you again – do you currently have profressional supports in place to help you through this? That element was key for me in being able to learn to process and live with the after affects of trauma.

[Shaz51]

Ohh @Elephanthart Sending you lots of tender hugs my friend ❤❤

My father  mentally and emotionally abused me , and my mum and I left when I was 12 being soo skiny and sick 

When I was 17 I thought I should keep in contact with my father as we live in the same town  but  that day He physical abused me , I never went back to the house  but was rejected daily as I went down town , I would see him dart into the nearest shop

Rejection is terrible and then I last time I real saw him was in hospital the night before he passed away  

And then I inherited his house,  soo many emotions  , I cried , was angry , everything 

It has been 14 years since my father has passed away 

Have you have anyone you can talk to xx

I did not have any support,  my husband who has MI has trying to support me through this 

How are you today  

@Former-Member , @Owlunar , @Appleblossom , @Gwynn