Fresh start?

[bl25]

Hi all, long story short I moved from London to Melbourne and everything was meant to be perfect... fast forward 5 years and I think about hurt myself everyday.

I moved because I needed space from everything I knew, I still smoke to cope but back then it was a long list of random drugs, sex and self harm. My friends were all going to university and I was working as a freelance photographer, I felt so inferior so I made the move. I was in a long distance relationship at the time and he had agreed to move to London after he finished his tradie apprentiship... 1months into covid he quit and whenever I brought going back he wouldn't engage much. 

We never left the house because he didn't want to get covid so I'd go by myself (I've never had covid) he continued to say so even when we lived on a 200 acres farm and when we broke up he got covid multiple times going clubbing when I had begged him to go dancing. The relationship ended badly and I wasn't completely innocent by the end, he wasn't a bad person but I still spiralled and relasped. 

After everything I've been through I was able to go to university and complete my diploma!!

I started working a job I loved which I now hate due to burn out, no support from managers and snaky managers.

When I finally thought I met someone similar to me his friends kept making innapropriate comment on how we were having sex despite me being in a relationship and when i confronted him about he told me to get over it and I was over reacting. He's since apologied but he's become closer to other poeple in the group and when they go out on weekends they don't invite me.

I can't help but feel like all the work I did to stay clean, be happy and move on from my past trauma  has been for nothing. I feel worthless and feel so much anger towards my current partner and family for forcing me to stay alive after seeing all my work crumble around my like one big failure.

[rav3n]

hi again!! @bl25 i really appreciate you sharing your story with us, i can hear how difficult these last few years in particular have been for you.

i'm so sorry you've had to experience all this pain, and i can see that you've made a lot of progress in managing some of those risky coping tools. that's not an easy thing to do, i hope you're proud of yourself for getting there. and congrats on completing the diploma!! another big win!! 

it really sucks to hear that your work environment hasn't been great, and not having much support from family or friends can definitely make things feel harder. yet you're here, pushing through and fighting on - and for that i'm so proud of your strength. 

when you go through something so painful, it's hard not feel grief and anger. so feel it. and let those feelings pass through. yes, it's easier said then done - but just know that it's okay to feel your emotions rather than bottle them up. do you have any healthy outlets for processing those emotions? whether that's journaling, therapy, sports/gym, walking, breathing techniques, etc.? you are so worthy of love, you are so deserving of support - and it absolutely sucks that people have treated you in a way that makes you feel like you don't deserve all that. but you do. 

sitting with you 💜

p.s. here's a lil tip - if you want to reply to someone, you can tag them using the @symbol and then typing their username like this @bl25 that way they're notified of the post/reply.